So for some background, me and my bf have been together 5 years and bought a house together last year. We have a really great relationship and I truly believe he’s the love of my life. We also have a cat (6M) and a puppy (6 months, F)
I’ve always been a cat person, I like other people’s dogs to an extent but have never wanted one. My bf is pretty much a dog person through and through, doesn’t mind cats but adores dogs. A few months ago he brought up that he wanted a dog, I had reservations but caved for him. We looked at rescues but they were all not allowed in homes with cats, the few dogs that we did apply for without those restrictions never got back to us.
Eventually we decided to just get a puppy. For context my bf is military and I work from home, however at the time we adopted the dog he had a month off work which he said would be enough time to train her and then by the time he went back to work all I’d have to do was keep her fed watered and walked. I’d never had a dog so I just assumed that he was right.
6 months in and I’m miserable. She’s destructive. She always wants to get at things she’s not supposed to. In the scheme of things typical puppy stuff but I just can’t take it. I’m tired and I want to cry. I never get to spend time with my cat anymore because she chases him away I only see him when he comes up to sleep at night or when I’m working in the office, but I miss cuddling with him watching TV on the sofa. Ironically everyone says that having a dog makes your mental health better but mine is way worse, I used to walk everyday by myself for relaxation as we’re lucky enough to live by a stunning park with a lake but now I absolutely hate walking because it’s so stressful with her because she’s scared of other dogs but always tries to go up to her and she always pulls and wants to sniff things and I just want to actually walk at a reasonable pace.
I know I’ve messed up here. This is my fault. I didn’t research enough about dogs going into this and thought I could handle it but I can’t. The other day I found myself googling how long beagles live and cried when I realised I’d by 40 before I could have my life back. I hate spending time with her and I’m ashamed to say I haven’t been taking her on walks for like 2 weeks now because I’ve been depressed and she’s got way more energetic and destructive. She literally ripped apart the couch when I came downstairs earlier. I also feel like my bf wanted a dog with none of the responsibility. Yes he pays for her mostly, he paid for training but he’s only home on weekends and even when he’s here he just spends time upstairs away from her so I still have to go down and spend time with her.
I can’t live like this but it feels unfair to him to ask him to give her up, he really loves her. Plus he puts up with the cat who also has obnoxious tendencies (wakes is up every morning and only friendly and cuddly to me) so it feels unfair to ask him to give up “his” pet and expect to keep mine.
TLDR; I hate the dog and want her gone, my bf adores her.
Edit: I haven’t been walking her for 2 weeks, but she has all day garden access and we play about 3 hours of fetch and tug of war in the evenings. She does get excersize I just haven’t been able to bring myself to walk her.
29 comments
I suggest you not do this. read up about dogs learn to tolerate it for the time being. get a trainer to help when the dog reaches near one year old. in time you will probably learn to appreciate the dog
You can ask but what happens if he chooses dog over you? I’m a huge dog lover if a girlfriend asked that I’d pick the dog
Uhhh that’s like asking for a kid and not wanting to do any of the raising, he’s being selfish, he’s not home, he’s not around, you’re the one picking up the pieces, you have every right to tell him that you don’t want to be spending your personal time picking up after a puppy
A major problem here is the “we decided”. You agreed to a puppy and you have a puppy. You understand this, but it’s worth keeping in mind since you seem to be saying that the puppy is “his” and not “ours”. It’s like you’re trying to blame him for the dog being there when you agreed to the dog being there.
Since “he really loves her”, then he needs to be far more active in training and raising this puppy. He’s not allowed to ignore the puppy on the weekends. He needs to spend HOURS AND HOURS training this puppy on the weekend. No negotiation about it.
You: *”I am doing the vast majority of the work with this puppy who is destructive and difficult and unless you start spending hours training and working with her on the weekends I am going to rehome her. This is way too much and you’re not helping.”*
(This will go over way better if you’re able to really understand that YOU are largely at fault for this for going “OK LET’S GET A PUPPY!” This isn’t all his fault. Share the blame with him.)
You just need to tell him that you can’t take care of this dog. And you need to do it now, because at this point this dog is being neglected and you’re crying because she’s not going to die soon enough for your liking. Frankly that dog is not safe, loved, or cared for in your home and she deserves better than both of you.
That poor f*cking dog.
I’m gonna get downvoted, IDC. I feel for you, i really do. I think you need to tell him everything you’ve written here. Its clear he’s not responsible for the dog that he wanted and has left you taking care of her a majority of the time. That’s left you exhausted and unhappy and that’s now spilling over into her care (no walks in 2 weeks) and that means she may suffer in the long run unless your boyfriend finds a better solution. And for the people saying “what if he chooses dog over her?” Well then i guess so be it. He’ll clearly struggle to take care of her on his own so.. Id like to add..none of this is the dogs fault.. she’s just a pup and eventually she will calm down but she deserves a home that’s willing to commit to her care.
This dog deserves loving owners that will take care of her. Please rehome her.
Would your boyfriend be able to pay for the pup to go to a doggy daycare for part of the day? Not only to give you a break, but they would help socialize her with other dogs and get all that extra energy out. When dogs are destructive, it’s usually because they’re not getting enough exercise and play time and all that pent up energy has to go somewhere. When my dogs come back from boarding with other dogs, they’re always WIPED OUT from all the excitement and playing.
She’s likely destructive because she’s got too much energy and not enough stimulation. I have 2 huskys, so i know destruction. When they’re bored it’s horrible. Do you have a garden she can be out in and run and play in till her hearts content if you don’t want to walk her?
Or could you pay for a dog walker, they’re not overly expensive and they’ll help her burn some enrergy off even just 1 lomg walk a day will be better than none.
She’s only a baby it does get better. My youngest dogs destruction peaked at around that age. Look into an automatic ball launcher as well as toys that will make her think, mental exercise works as well to wear dogs out.
Also definitely get a good trainer, you say your husband pays for training, depending on when it was started at 6m she should know the basics and walk well.
Ngl I think people are sick for doing this to their dogs. Don’t get a dog if you are just going to rehome them. That’s really cruel
I think people are coming down on you a bit hard. While I think this being a mutual decision of yourself and your partner is important to note, people are focusing on that a lot. You are taking on most of the in person responsibilities of this pup. That is difficult to be sure, especially since you have never had a dog before. Now, has your partner had a dog before? Because telling you that the pup will be trained in only in a month’s time, seems like a dream lol I wouldn’t say that was correct or fair, especially if your partners work schedule has always been this way.
I think going about telling him would be tricky but before you talk about finding a new home for your pup, I would tell him your struggles with her, you are her primary caretaker, your partner hopefully can see that imbalance. He may have a lot to say in the way of keeping her, I’m not sure if you are at all open to that at this point, but make it clear that having this conversation in general is hard for you and you don’t want to hurt him but you do want what is best for your pup and right now that might not be the both of you. This discussion needs to be had and preferably soon. I hoped that helped some, I just hated all the negative comments you were getting and I’m sorry what could’ve been a good experience turned into a sour one with your pup. Mistakes happen though! You’re trying to fix it! Hope you figure all this out.
Op complaining about destructive tendencies when she’s abusing the dog by not taking it for a walk for 2 weeks. Just wow. Irresponsible dog owner. You do realize dogs need exercise right? Some tug of war in your yard isn’t cutting it. Take the dog to a dog park to run around at least.
Hes a dog person. He will want another dog when that one dies. So that’s not even a factor. Have the talk now. You may break up over it.
Honestly dogs can take up to two years before they snap out of the stupid phase. Our havanese took 7-8 months and our malamute took 2 years (stubborn boy). Also realize that you may break up over this if your boyfriend really is a dog person. Some people can’t give up having dogs. I have a few suggestions that will help your mental health though:
1. Buy a crate. Train the dog to be in the crate for at least 6 hours a day so you can get some peace. Take the dog out for a bathroom break 10-15 minutes, to run around the backyard and burn energy for a few minutes before going back in the crate. Also if the dog is distressed in the crate do not comfort the dog. Let him cry it out until he learns nothing bad will happen. Covering the crate will also help make a “comfy space” for the dog. Feeding the dog in the crate will get it used to being comfortable in there as well. Having him in the crate will let you focus on work, give you a break and give the dog “on/play” mode vs “off/quiet time”. When my malamute really ticked me off as a puppy he would stay in the crate all day, with potty breaks, until 4pm and then we’d go for a long walk, he’d have about 4-6 hours out of the crate after the walk then go right back in at 10pm for sleeping. It felt horrible sometimes poor guy but he literally destroyed everything if you stopped looking for 5 seconds! Plus waiting for my fiance to come home to help supervise the dog helped. Crate training was a life saver.
2. Train the dog walking. Let the dog sniff stuff when you allow it but otherwise you keep on walking. With my little dog we used a harness that clipped on the front to prevent pulling. Halti harnesses that hook the leash to the nose Also work well. With our malamute we needed a prong collar. It is excellent and he doesn’t pull after the first few minutes. I found my stubborn malamute didn’t really start “listening” to me until 9 months or so. He would just be a dick and not follow commands because he didn’t care about respecting the owners.
3. The dog needs to socialize. Take it to the dog park to burn energy. Easy for you to go 30 minutes and gets the dog tired af to go to the crate for the afternoon afterward.
Puppies can drive anyone crazy even great dog owners. The malamute really fucking broke my spirit LOL but now he’s 90% there. I still don’t trust him out of the crate during working hours but otherwise he is a good calm dog that doesn’t destroy stuff anymore. When he turned 2 it was like a switch flicked. So weird. He was getting better between 1-2 but still wrecking things once a week instead of daily. He’s now 2.5 and just obnoxious because of his personality (panting for attention in you= face, talking back with woofs, regular dog stuff..haha)! Much better than how he was before.
You will survive. Beagles are also a bad choice for first time owners imo lol. Should have started with a retriever or something easier. I would never recommend a malamute either for first time owners. So keep that in mind when you get frustrated. You did not start with an easy breed and it will get better soon 🙏
I think you tell him what you posted here and then consider options.
Even as someone who loves dogs, fosters dogs with behavioral issues to rehab them, etc? Puppies are hard. A tired pup is a good pup but that means frequent walks and play throughout the day along with short training sessions of 10-15 min 4-5x. It’s just a lot.
Since your husband isn’t home to care for the dog, he either needs to put it in daycare or return it to the breeder (reputable breeders will take their dogs back, you won’t get money back though) or surrender to a breed specific rescue. I don’t recommend trying to rehome on your own as we (in rescue) are better equipped to evaluate potential new homes.
Like…if I had interviewed you guys, I wouldn’t have adopted a dog to you. You don’t know what you’re doing and don’t want a dog, and he’s not home. It’s not fair to the dog and it’s how dogs end up surrendered.
This isn’t fair to you or the dog. I’m with you. I think if you could get the right support and doggy daycare and training then you’d have a dog in a year that is a solid citizen that you enjoy. But it’s real hard to know if the light at the end of the tunnel is a good outcome or a train when you don’t have the support.
Your partner is supposed to care how you feel. If you tell him that you feel extremely unhappy, he should want to solve that problem. If his reaction is to dismiss your feelings so that he can continue patting a dog once a day, then he’s terrible.
It’s a good thing you’re not married. Get out now, while it’s easy. I pretty much love and am willing to handle anything with fur, feathers, hooves or scales, but you are not. If you stay in this relationship, this will be the rest of your life.
OP there is no perfect way to bring this up to your boyfriend. I can see you want advice on how to word it, but nobody is gonna just hand you a script. You just need to say what you have in this post, that the dog is making you fucking miserable and you want to rehome it.
Other people have already told you to use your words. There is no further advice to be given. Just say you don’t want the dog lol.
Maybe get her professionally trained??? All the things you mention are easily dealt with with proper training.
Tell the bf that unless he lives at home 7/7, and does ALL the dog duty, you’re rehoming the dog. Put foot down!
I would also recommend (and I will get downvoted by the PETA people no doubt) getting a crate and putting pup in there, with a chew toy or something, several hours at a time.
Yeah this is going to cause conflict, but all you have to do is show bf a weekly tally of dogs demands on YOU vs dogs demands on HIM. Say you’re done, does he want to step up?
You’re not walking the dog. No wonder she is destructive!
But yes sounds like you’re not suited to having a dog. No idea how you would bring that up as I’m a dog person so I would do maximum effort to train the dog. Good luck!
Tell him that either the dog leaves or you will.
Don’t have kids
Board and Train. Look it up. Find a place. Sip margaritas for a month and voila trained pup returned to you. (You need to do upkeep but … honestly it’s a lot easier than what you are going through. If he is deployed and comes back to no dog, I would not want to be you.)
Reading more comments, wait what your pup is not crate trained?!? Stop. Also beagle? Not a good first dog. Only dogs worse would be a Malinois, GSD, cattle dog or a chihuahua.
I still vote board and train and then crate and I would add a sonic bark stopper because then you have a chance in heck of stopping those mournful bellowing howls
Find a kid in the neighborhood who will walk the dog.
Look into crate training, but basically, the walks tire them out and are much better behaved when tired.
He leaves for weeks for work and you have to take care of her?
Not walking her is counterproductive because she is going to keep being afraid of dogs if you don’t walk her every day. However, I understand what you say, so you should get your BF to pay a dog walker. He doesn’t do “cat chores” and you are already playing 3 hours a day with the dog in the evening. The dog should be walked for a long time in the morning and then she’ll be less tired during the day. Your BF should also take the dog to a dog part to play.
I think that rather than rehome, you should make up a plan to figure out how to work with the dog. He needs to be more involved, pay dog walker (or pet sitter, for instance, my pet sitter took dogs in her car and then took them to a dog park to play and walk, then she dropped them off).
If that doesn’t work in a month, then you have to talk again.
Edit: How do you tell him?
“I am alone all week and though I appreciate the dog, I have been investing X amount of hours with the dog every day. It’s taking away of work, time with my cat, and I cannot even do my daily walks, which help me deal with stress and make me happy. I’d like to put up a plan in place so someone can walk the dog every morning so that she is tired during the day. I can commit X hour of play in the evening. Now the dog is 6 months and small. Soon she will be bigger and it will be more difficult to manage”.
Also, get baby gates so she cannot get into certain rooms and make your cat some shelves to be around your area, but away from the dog.
Hey there!!!!
So I totally understand your feelings… and understand his too. Right now the burden is on you because of his work demands and that is unfair… but reading your post and comments it doesn’t seem you hate this puppy. It seems like you are overwhelmed with the demands of a puppy. I get it, I love dogs but I am not a “puppy” person either. I exclusively have adopted dogs over 2 for this reason and think a dog is “perfect” at about 4+.
As someone else said, you deserve some breaks. Saturday puppy class is not enough cause he’s at home on Saturday. Instead of that I do recommend a doggy daycare, maybe particularly on Wednesdays or something so you have a mid-week break.
I also recommend dog parks. I saw you say that your puppy is scared of other dogs… many dog parks have small dog/puppy exclusive areas where your puppy can get over this. And the best part is after 30 minutes of you sitting on a bench and reading a book while the puppy plays, you’ll have one exhausted puppy.
Puppies act out from excessive energy and boredom. If you can help get that puppy tired, you’ll enjoy the puppy a lot more. And your boyfriend needs to do a lot of the heavy lifting. His work schedule may make that hard on many days but the it needs to be laid at his footsteps that if he loves this puppy he needs to support you with the tools and resources you need to support him. *”help me help you!!!”*
Finally, if the puppy is harassing the cat you can’t let that happen. To acclimate our dogs to our cats we crated the dogs and let the cats investigate them. When the dogs acted out we corrected our dogs with training collars (beep not shock!). We did this until they just got bored with the cats.