I’ll try not to write a novel here about my history of depression, insecurities and self-esteem issues, but you get the idea. I’m in my mid-thirties, and am struggling to find a way to feel valuable, confident, and proud of myself, without being dependent on whether or not a girl (whichever girl happens to be around at the moment) likes me or not. I’ll be depressed, sluggish, feel like a failure and life is not worth living. Then a girl shows some interest in me, we start chatting, etc etc, and suddenly I’m a normal human being. I’m confident, feel like I’ve accomplished things in life, and I feel like everything is going to turn out ok. Then, the girl stops messaging, or loses interest, or chooses another guy, whatever, and I’m immediately back to feeling worthless and like life is pointless and I’m a failure. This leads to me constantly seek validation from girls, on dating apps or wherever else, which usually ends up in even more disappointment and low self esteem. How can I break free from this, and learn to just feel valuable and proud of myself, whether or not there happens to be a girl interested in me or not? I’m so tired of this constant cycle of chasing that high and then feeling let down again. I just want to be happy with myself. (Yes, I’m in therapy and on meds). Thank you to anyone who has any life advice for me.
10 comments
Do you have any platonic friends?
The most common advice I give on the sub could help, even though it’s not directly related to your question.
*The only source of joy in life is building things that grow.*
I think you are looking to find joy through those personal interaction which is fine but not a thing that you’ve built or that grows.
Go master a craft, start a business, build your body. Go pour sweat into your social cause of choice. Your self-worth comes from what you make, not from a fleeting social interaction.
Most importantly, when it comes to women, seek only *to build things that grow*. That means exclusively seek platonic friendships or family – nothing else. You are the builder.
Firstly, wanting / seeking attention from the opposite sex is a product of evolution. It makes you feel good, that’s a fact. Acknowledge this and stop beating yourself up for wanting it in the first place.
The problem begins when this is the *only* source of validation. Instead of trying to “break free”, build other sources that add to your confidence. Master a craft, take care of your body, learn a new trade, travel – whatever gets you going.
man. this is a terrible event . reddit cannot solve this. you need therapy and constant reinforcement. you are ripe for manipulation and control by others. please please seek therapy and talk to them honestly.
> How can I stop being dependent on the attraction of a girl(s) to get my self worth?
You’re in your 30s mate. Women.
(or men, if you’re experimenting or actually enjoy men, you get the idea here – adults)
Bro, if in your mid 30s you still give a shit you’ll probably be like this forever. So just stop worrying about this and focus on other stuff
Why do you feel your self worth goes up when a girl gives you attention or a girl is attracted to you?
Put a mirror on your desk, and every so often, look at it, smile, and say “I love you”.
The only consistent and reliable relationship you can ever have is with yourself. A mirror will not suddenly change things, but over time it will have an effect.
I think we need more info. What does the rest of your life look like? Where do you find meaning and fulfillment? Double down on those things.
You want to feel good about yourself, that’s totally reasonable! And a **massive** way that people feel good about themselves, is through social interactions with others where they convey interest, gratitude, like or love, etc.
My point is, this is all natural and perfectly healthy. It seems like the problem is actually that it should be coming from many different sources – where in your case, it primarily only comes from one source – your current romantic entanglement.
So, try to diversify! Build some of those “feel-good” streams from a handful of different places. Different people, platonic relationships like friends or family, or through community support like volunteering, working towards an important and meaningful goal, writing a blog series or book, mentoring kids, etc.
What you need is to GIVE to others, through both your words as well as your actions. It’s through giving, that we receive.