My (36F) husband (39M) hid from me that the ex who he broke up with 3 months before meeting me lives like a 4 min drive from us. Like a block away from our go to grocery store
I found out this info by accident (her mail forwarding service still sends mail occasionally here ). So I casually asked him if any of his exes stay nearby and though he was honest at a high level and told me yes , he did not tell me she lives so close to a place where he shops for groceries multiple times a weeks. He tried to give assurance that the ex doesn’t know about me and is blocked on all avenues
I am anxious that he’s catching up with her occasionally at this grocery store. Though no cheating is going on , I believe he generally has poor boundaries (he was a lease guarantor for this ex after they broke up) and might be hanging out with women who are bad for our marriage . I hinted today he should go to a diff store that has better selection but he flat out refused.
Last week I let another such incident pass – he lied to me that he is going for a happy hour drink with just a male coworker. Turns out 2 female friends joined – one of whom I have a problem with because she was a direct report once who left presents outside his house and went on to became a very close friend – let’s call her Jil. When I met her she few months ago it was obvious she was single and had a massive crush on my husband and he was clearly oblivious to her body language signs (she just kept touching his shoulder after a few drinks). Add to that she was cold with me . I have no issues with other female co workers who are his close friends. I requested my husband to have appropriate boundaries with Jil – seems like nothing changed and he just hides stuff now when he is doing stuff with her or taking to her on text (he muted her notifications)
What should I do ?
– turn a blind eye and just trust
– announce last min that I am accompanying him to this store
– snoop on his phone / I really don’t wanna do this
I know I might get some hate comments for checking my husbands phone w/o his consent. Our relationship trajectory is super accelerated and I have switched countries for him so I just have to be sure and the occasional phone check (only twice in 2 years) has helped debunk or surface things that have led to honest conversation – I trust but verify
6 comments
If anything is good on it will come out but if you’re anxious then do what you need to do to feel comfortable about yourself dm
I briefly looked at your post history and it looks like you married someone who routinely hides things from you and lies about them. Trying to play “gotcha” is a stupid game and won’t get you anything; you know he’s hiding stuff from you and lying already. You don’t need to “catch him” at it.
None of your options as you present them seem healthy to me. You know who he is. You either tell him it’s no longer acceptable and mean it, or you decide to live with it. If he’s not interested in changing, which is honestly the most likely scenario (people don’t change without serious intention, time, and effort on their own part), is that a dealbreaker for you? Setting a boundary means he sees consequences. Which is not you getting mad, it’s not you going through his phone, it’s not waiting for proof of cheating. It’s you leaving.
He might not be doing anything wrong other than lying to you. But that doesn’t make it okay.
I feel like a ton of relevant information is being left out of this post.
It’s clear there are multiple unhealthy habits in this relationship at both sides and we cannot judge this one issue in isolation.
Trust but verify. My wife and I have an open password policy with each other. In a marriage, there should be no secrets, least intimacy will suffer. I’d propose that for you marriage.
At this point, hire a PI and consult a divorce attorney. Man has years of history lying regarding other women. Just call it for what it is.
Girl, he has lied. No wonder you don’t trust him. People can expect privacy but not secrecy in a relationship.
You need to look out for you. Check his phone and don’t feel any shame. You cannot trust him. He is a liar. Wouldn’t you rather check and be wrong than not check and never know if he is cheating on you? If he’s cheating, he could bring home some nasty STI that gives you cancer.