I’m 49 and my wife of 24 years passed three years ago. I’ve recently started dating and the women I’m meeting, all 40+ (edit years, not count haha), are fairly universally into rougher sex. Nothing crazy but definitely biting, hair pulling, slapping, etc. No real dirty talk so far but the woman I’m seeing now has already told me she’s holding back until I’m more ready (help lol).
I’d like to be able to meet them where they are at but I’m really struggling with maintaining a sexual frame of mind when doing things that are forceful or painful. For example, pulling hair or nipple play, as soon as I get past my comfort level of force I can’t help but just focus on not sailing past her pain threshold or causing injury. It basically takes me out of the connection part of sex and she turns into this thing that I’m managing.
I dated a big lady briefly and she was thick, heavy and strong which I think made it a little bit easier. The woman I’m with now (in her 40’s, mother of three, all woman in appearance) has the strength of a child. I can completely control her with one hand and it instantly kills the sexual mood and makes me want to protect her. Probably doesn’t help that I have two daughters.
So getting back to the question in the title, how do I need to think about myself and the woman that I’m with in order to pull the stops out a few notches but still stay in the game?
4 comments
I’m still figuring the same things out. What i’ve found is if I focus entirely on reading her and seeing the signs of pleasure I can get into the moment and do those things. It doesn’t work if I just do it because I think she wants it. I need to see her tilt her head back and expose her throat before I know she wants to be choked. I need to hear her say “take it” or “harder” before I slap her a$$ and go hard and fast. Things like that. It has to be in the moment and knowing she wants it is how I get into it. I watch her face and listen to her voice to know when its getting too intense and I back off or switch to something else.
I can’t decide that tonight will be rough and tomorrow will be gentle. It is all about the moment. Sometimes she wants it rough and minutes later gentle, then rough again. It is far too variable for me to just decide this is a rough session.
I think it just takes some time getting used to the idea that they actually really do enjoy it. Start slow with spanking, holding her arms behind her back, getting rough during penetration, and maybe not so extreme dirty talk referring to how she is acting, having a slutty [body part] and etc. then work up to slapping and more degrading speech and maybe some bdsm stuff later (presuming they’ve stated an interest). After you push a boundary, talk it over after and if she’s all encouragement, then accept the reassurance and you can move further.
If you get to a point where moving further just feels bad, then you can just stop and say you think you’ve reached your limit. Not everyone’s a 100% match.
Also key point I can’t stress enough: rl and what happens in the bedroom are two completely different things. If she wants to be treated poorly in the bedroom and that turns her on that’s great, but outside, day-to-day stick with being the kind caring guy you sound like without any change (just b/c a lady likes to be tied up or even whipped and beaten in bed, doesn’t mean she cares to be treated as inferior in regular interactions).
Try this questionnaire with your partner. Note your tastes might change as you loosen up or try new things too, but you might find you have some common ground in terms of kinks you didn’t realize. [https://bdsmtest.org/](https://bdsmtest.org/)
Edit: Forgot the link
Worked it out with my girlfriend. She likes rough sex. I never was particularly excited by the idea. So we sorta eased into it. Talk about “hard no”s and yes and maybes. Slowly try things out, and give feedback. Like, “this felt uncomfortable for me, did it push against your boundaries, how much harder/softer do you need me to go”, that kind of stuff. Then it becomes this thing where you get more comfortable getting into that mindset. I’ve also found that aftercare in cases of like, *much* harder core stuff is as much for me than it is for her.
Don’t go from 0-to-100 in one shot. You make your comfortable way into it, and if you don’t like it *at all*, well you find yourself someone who’s okay with that!
I’m recently exploring this as well. It really depends on my partner. My current partner really brings the more dominant and primal side of me out. She makes me feel like I aggressively want her and then need to nurture and protect her afterwards.
It’s about recognizing that rough sex isn’t about mistreating or abusing someone. It’s the passion and primal nature you feel. My current partner makes me feel more like a man and likes when I’m in charge. I see and feel her excitement when I get passionate and aggressive with her. She knows I’d never harm her for real so trust plays a big part of it. At the same time she really enjoys when I get aggressive and move her into the position I want, pull her hair, tell her what I want or that she’s mine, spanking, and other things. I’m still exploring it.
The headspace for me is realizing that my partner likes the feminine, submissive role and that leaves me to be the masculine, dominant one. My passion and sexual aggression are exciting to her. No matter what, she knows that I can be soft and gentle with her after we’re done. I can hold her and touch her and give her compliments. I don’t think you can do one without the other for long. The tender moments make her free to accept my sexual aggression and I don’t feel guilty about my passion because she likes it and I get to hold her afterwards and show her affection and gentleness. It makes you feel like a whole man that can be a little rough and aggressive but protective and loving at the same time