Ok, this is gonna be a long one. Sorry in advance.
Me(29) have been living with 3 other guys and 1 girl(27) in a shared housing for the past 6 months. Me and this girl have been hanging out a lot(almost every day) since she moved in and we’ve been lightly flirting a lot. Since we’ve been hanging out so much we know almost everything about each other. From our most embarrassing experiences, childhood stories, dirty stuff. Everything. Sometimes when it’s just me and her in the evenings we play board games together, watch movies together or just sit and talk/play the 20 questions game. And she’s always interested in listening to my stories and she asks me at least as many dirty questions as I ask her. Also sometimes she gives me this intense look when we’re talking, but I have kind of just passed it off as lightly flirting, because we have been flirting a lot.
So, one night we were out drinking and when we got home, we continued drinking just us two in the living room and we both got really drunk. She then asked me if I wanted to sleep in her room, and I did. We only spooned that night and nothing more. She had work early in the next morning, so we didn’t really get to talk about it when we woke up, so we never did lol.
A few weeks later there was a very similar situation. We had a game night at home where all 5 of us were drinking except me. As the night went on everyone went to sleep except me and her, and we ended up talking for an hour after that. She was very drunk, but I was sober. Then I told her I was going to sleep and she said something like: “Nooo… Can’t you sleep in my room tonight?”. But I told her that I just wanted to sleep alone that night and went to bed (I thought she was too drunk).
After that night I became unsure if she really liked me or just wanted to sleep with me that night.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, we were playing the 20 questions game one evening and I asked her about the time when she asked me to sleep in her room, if it was to sleep with me. She became really embarrassed, but said that it wasn’t for sex, but for “closeness”, cuddling etc. I also told her that the reason I rejected her that night was because she was too drunk and I didn’t want to take advantage as I thought it was a hook up.
Anyway, in the past month or so I have kind of confessed to myself that I have feelings for her. I didn’t tell her at first because we live together and I didn’t want to complicate things, but one night we were out drinking she started heavily flirting with our other temporary roommate while ignoring me all night, so I thought that maybe I had just misunderstood the whole thing about her maybe liking me back. The next day I confessed to her that I’ve recently catched some feelings for her and from all the flirting and when she twice asked me to sleep in her room, I thought that maybe she liked me back, but from last nights events that she probably didn’t. I also said that I would probably feel jealous if she took a guy home, but I reassured her that it wasn’t her problem and that it shouldn’t stop her from doing it if she really wanted to.
She then told me that I actually wasn’t “too far off” about her liking me back. That she’s been thinking about it too and that she was glad I told her. She said that she also had became a bit jealous when I talked about a girl at work that I was flirting with. She also said that she’s been trying to take a “step back” the last few weeks because we live together and that she would also be fine with us just being friends. Also that we’ve never been intimate before so she was unsure if it would be weird or not. From all that I’m not too sure if she likes me as much as I like her. And even though I like her, I kind of agree. I don’t know if it would be weird or not because we haven’t done the whole romance thing yet, and it’s probably not a good idea since we live together, but emotionally she checks all the marks in my head for what I’ve been looking for, for a long time. I think if we became romantically intimate, I would probably fell in love. We agreed to just stay friends and not go trough with it. She also basically stopped talking to our other roommate that she was all flirty with that night a few days ago(not sure why lol).
Anyway, that was a few days ago, and since then I’ve been trying to hold back a bit, but her behavior towards me hasn’t changed at all(almost like we haven’t talked about our feelings and decided to just be friends). She also turns my lights on to mess with me when we go our separate ways to sleep at night (I have smart lights that can be controlled with our phones). She had her brother, his GF and her best friend over for game night yesterday, and after they left she continued flirting with me, and I kind of slipped up and asked her if she maybe wanted to sleep in my room that night, but she just asked me “From 1-10 who smart would that be?” (Kind of reminding me of the night we talked about just being friends).
SO…. I’m confused. I’m feeling like I get a lot of mixed signals from her. She keeps flirting like before, but it seems like she doesn’t want to take it further. Almost like she’s playing me along. I agree that it probably isn’t a good idea to take it further, but at the same time, there are a lot of couples out there that started out as roommates and are doing fine to this day.
While I KNOW that it probably isn’t a good idea, I think I’m willing to risk it, but I’m not sure if she likes me enough to risk it.
Okay, that was my whole rant.
What do you guys think about this whole thing from an outside perspective?
7 comments
if it was me, i would risk it. I’d rather regret having done it than not having done it.
she was in love with you from the beginning, and nobody took action. maybe this is the opportunity.
Of course it could go wrong, of course things could get weird, but in what romantic situation do we not run that risk? it’s part of the process.
I would risk it
I would risk it too. You never know
Hm, I’d draw it out until she corners me with a confession of her own. Keep the mystery with fun flirting, which could lead to you being close friends, then eventually a relationship. Don’t over complicate it with over thinking too much, have fun.
Love is always risky but waiting won’t change the dice. You either roll them or someone else takes the turn.
~ Yvette Nicole Brown as Shirley Bennet in Community
Too long to read
Ha, the relationship I am in now started just like this. It’s been 6 years now. We moved way to fast about it and didn’t really catch the red flags and compatibility issues that are definitely an on going problem now. I don’t think I would ever regret our decisions though that led us here. We had a crazy, strong, instant connection from day one and the more we fought it the more we would unintentionally hurt each other. (So maybe prepare yourself for this a bit 😔)
We could not seem to stay away from each other (in a romantic sense) but we would both try our hardest too out of fear and shock that we were both catching hard feelings.. while being roommates. It’s scary and confusing to navigate. But we would date other ppl in front of each other, try and ignore one another, or just end up drunk and in each others arms again. Finally, we quit fighting it and just got together. I’ve never loved someone more. But it is quite chaotic to this day. I feel like we still hold some of the trauma from the messy start of our relationship. Like sometimes to this day, it seems like both of us have one foot in and one foot out the door.. still questioning the whole situation. It’s hard to explain. It’s also very weird never having not lived with the person you are in a serious relationship with, never having dating, taken things slow, and had your own space to make smart decisions and also not be co dependent. Anyways.. I guess what I’m getting is-
1. take your time.. do not rush anything. Even if she suddenly confesses her undying love. Just take. It. Slow.
2. don’t even start to pursue being more than friends until you KNOW that she really wants it (this one is huge, I was you in this whole scenario, I had way stronger feelings, I was sure of how I felt while he was not and to this day I have a bit of resentment and insecurities lingering from his rejections or how he treated me when other women were around, as if I were a ghost. Some kind of last option)
3. If you can tell she does really like you at some point and the head games and avoidance is getting out of hand.. put a stop to it. Maybe find new living situations for one of you. Then you could still date or not date and just be friends. It’s not worth hurting each other. It sounds like things are pretty light and easy going now but this shit just progresses quickly with more time. Feelings I mean.. good and bad.
4. For right now, I would choose to spend more time apart and set better boundaries up like maybe not drinking alone, late at night, getting into personal questions lol. This is how all of my relationships started 😂 20 questions at 4 AM drunk is a helluva hack to make you feel very close and bonded to someone when there is a lot left to know about someone. Like how they react on vacation when there rental car is towed or some infuriating shit like that lol.
This is turning into a novel so I’ll leave it at that but I don’t really know anyone else that’s ever been in this situation, personally, so I very much feel for you. Message me if you ever wanna vent or have questions. Best of luck, OP. ✨