TL;DR: My family has never had any boundaries and they cross mine all the time and I dont know where to start implementing then.
This year I had a gap year. Working and traveling a lot. Last 3 months I traveled and It was so refreshing to not be home and actually process and work on myself. But everytime I go home I feel so much anxiety because I just know I’m gonna be uncomfortable by many things. How they touch me, talk to me, what they talk about, how they act. It’s horrible and I don’t know where to start but I will give some examples. They are divorced but still living together. On and off having fights throwing eachother out the house. Drinking a lot.
I had a concert abroad and a week or two between that concert and a flight. My plan was to work and travel around in my country a bit. But my dad had called me and offered to go on holiday with him to Greece or Turkey. And then after he would bring me to the airport. Alright sounds good. Let’s do it. I call him after the concert to make some plans. He says just come home first.
I come all the way home. I did some mental preparing in the train. My goal was to state a boundary that I don’t want to talk about my parents relationship with them anymore. Dad picks me up and asks me to go out to eat. So we go and ofcourse he starts talking about my mom, the house, his headache because of all this. And immediately I feel so tensed. Mostly I just ignore it or give short answers. Now I gave my more honest opinion. Still not what I wanted. I didn’t want to engage in this. But then he tells me “you are the only one I can talk to about this” I felt guilty for stating a boundary right then and there.
We get home and it turns out he wants me to help out in the house. And not go on holiday together. “So you can make some money” and oh btw I can’t bring you to the airport either. Well nice that I get to earn some money but I also spend a lot to get here.
I’m dating a girl. We are not in a “serious” relationship. But i still take her seriously as a person ofcourse. My dad has this really stupid nickname for her that is basically saying she is a pig. It makes me very uncomfortable but if I say anything it is just a joke!
The last couple days I was sick and laying mostly in bed. Sleeping 16 hours. Then he makes jokes about me being lazy. I don’t find it funny im not lazy I am sick. It’s just a joke!
It’s not only my dad, my mom also overshares a lot of their relationship. some time ago my (22) sister decided to break contact with her. For an unknown amount of time. I was home for 1 day. After have spend 22 hours in transport. And she comes to me. “I want to talk to you about something” I get all tensed thinking I have done something wrong, as this is the tone she is using. “Why doesn’t your sister wants to talk to me?” As if I know and can help the situation. She got so emotional saying things like I cant live without your sister and what do I do now. I’m not the one here to give advice I don’t even know what the situation is and I don’t want to either.
Some questions regarding boundaries:
– if I have a conversational boundary like I dont want to talk about your relationship with mom or dad. How to enforce it if they do. Because I know they will. People advice “walking away” but how do you do that in a restaurant or just a normal setting. Isn’t it just enough to say I don’t want to talk about this?
– do I need to state my boundary in the moment or not. I would say mostly not but with minor things like the nickname maybe better and then what would the consequence be with that then? What would be reasonable
– I feel like I have so many boundaries to set. I can’t do it all in one go. So I need to pick one for every day maybe or something like that?
9 comments
How old are you? Move out
Oof, I am sorry OP. You are the child of emotionally immature parents, and it’s absolutely unfair of them to burden you with their relationship problems. It’s not your business and they shouldn’t make it your business.
>if I have a conversational boundary like I dont want to talk about your relationship with mom or dad. How to enforce it if they do. Because I know they will. People advice “walking away” but how do you do that in a restaurant or just a normal setting. Isn’t it just enough to say I don’t want to talk about this?
It is often preferable to physically remove yourself from the situation (since that’s about as clear a signal as you can give that you will not tolerate them pushing further) but if you can’t, you need to repeat that you will not continue the conversation unless the topic changes.
For example:
**Dad:** *tries to initiate conversation about your mum*
**You:** “I do not want to talk about your relationship. I am not your personal therapist and it makes me uncomfortable.”
**Dad:** *tries to continue conversation or otherwise pressure you to hear him out*
**You:** “I just told you I do not want to talk about it. Stop trying to make me.”
**Repeat.**
>do I need to state my boundary in the moment or not. I would say mostly not but with minor things like the nickname maybe better and then what would the consequence be with that then? What would be reasonable
I think it’s generally best to communicate boundaries upfront. When you do it in the moment, people tend to get their heckles up and respond out of tension, awkwardness or frustration. If you address it upfront, you then also give yourself something to refer back to in the moment (“I told you I wanted you to stop doing this. You’re doing it again. Stop it.”) which might drive home just how much they do this without realizing it.
For the nickname, if he tries to tell you it’s “just a joke” respond with “it’s not funny. Stop calling her that.” Don’t laugh at it, don’t play along. If he persists, just walk away without a word.
>I feel like I have so many boundaries to set. I can’t do it all in one go. So I need to pick one for every day maybe or something like that?
You can actually communicate this too! Think something along the lines of “Mum, dad, you both do a lot of things that make me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings. It would be impossible to sum them all up, but I am letting you know that I will be communicating my discomfort with you going forward. I am doing this because I don’t want to grow resentful towards you both.”
And if they don’t hear you, you can tell them (and especially your mum) that if they don’t want you to go the same route as your sister, this is their chance to prevent that. It’s mean, but let’s be honest – you probably do know why she broke off contact. Because your parents are inconsiderate and disrespectful of their children’s feelings.
Do you have to go home like this? Because it seems not worth the effort due to the mountains of dysfunctional stuff here.
If you try to tell them “I won’t talk about your relationship with mom/dad” they won’t hear it.
If you’re out with dad “Dad, I won’t talk to you about your relationship with mom. It’s not reasonable to put me in that position. I can advise you to speak to a counselor about her or speak to mom directly.” If he starts pushing that boundary, excuse yourself to the restroom for a few minutes. Come back like nothing is wrong and begin a topic on something else.
If he starts calling your gf by names tell him in the moment that it’s not ok. If he starts, excuse yourself to the restroom, come back a few minutes later and discuss something else. You can also refuse to go out with him to a restaurant. And say “I’d live to share a mean with you but it ruins the meal when you want to talk about your problems with my mother and when you neg my gf. I don’t want to be around you when you do that.
Remember, you cannot change him. But you can choose to to share your company with him. If he doesn’t want to act right, don’t reward him with your company.
Other than calling your girlfriend an offensive name, that all sounds relatively reasonable. If you don’t want to be a part of these family conversations and have anxiety about being home, I suggest you get a job and get your own place. Your current lifestyle isn’t working, so work towards a new one.
Out of curiosity, how are you affording going to concerts and traveling internationally? Do you pay for your own phone and medical expenses?
There is a lot to be said for communication skills and what a reasonable boundary is, but at the end of it all, it all boils down to you being able to enforce the boundary. You have to practice having the confidence to stick to your guns. Honestly their behavior reminds me of my parents when alcoholism was in the house. The lying, the lack of consideration, being an emotional support for my mom as a 10 year old. At the end of the day, the only way to deal with the behavior is to forcibly maintain the boundaries. For some people the only way to do that is NC or LC. Reading all of what you write, the best boundary might be to not go in that house. There is a lot to be said for how you communicate your boundaries but it all rests on your ability to say No (which is a complete sentence). Confidence in the face of family is really hard to develop but it will be your best asset
When your dad (or mom) says stuff like, “you are the only one I can talk to about this”, I think it’d be reasonable to respond, “You’re a grown adult. You can find other people to talk to about this besides your children. I’m your kid, not your therapist. You’re still living with the person you divorced, that sounds like your problem to resolve.”
Working through those feelings of guilt is hard. But boundaries are the only way forward to creating a healthier relationship with them. Think of it kind of like enforcing rules with a child. It may be hard and unfun to discipline them but ultimately it’s the best for everyone involved.
I think space will be your best friend right now. Taking significant time and space away from them will allow you the mental headspace to grow stronger in your convictions and more protective of the peaceful new way of life you’re creating for yourself. This will be best achieved by moving out. This will also help a lot in enforcing your boundaries. The most effective consequence for boundary violation is removing their opportunity to spend time with and interact with you. That’s much harder to enforce when you live with them.
Best of luck. If you need to talk more, feel free to DM me. I’m 31 and have put a lot of space between myself and similar type parents while still maintaining a cordial relationship with them.
I’m sorry OP. My parents are a lot like yours. They’re not divorced but only because it would financially ruin both of them and they are too old to pull themselves out of it and untangle the mess they would make. So they both decide to put up with each other. In my mind I should view them as divorced.
My sibling cut off my mom and by extension my dad. Not fully but they have very, very limited contact. My mom constantly laments about how I’m the only daughter who loves her and she’ll do it in public. That tenseness creeps up my spine and it makes me feel terrible. Guilty because I want to cut off contact too – I just feel too badly for my mother and then I feel like a bad daughter. My sibling cut off contact because my mom is toxic bordering on narcissistic and cannot let go of the past or take accountability when she abused pain killers and got sick.
My dad also said I’m the only one I can talk to about his issues with my mom. He doesn’t have any friends. I love my father dearly though and it hurts to set a boundary that I don’t want him talking to mom because I don’t want him to feel rejected or lonely or isolated. But it’s not good for my mental health.
Sometimes I think if my mom just died then my life would be easier and I would be unburdened from a large emotional chain. But then I also think that’s a terrible thing to think. I’ve started putting distance between my mom when she pulled some insane shit during a move and it’s helped. I’m going to stick harder to my boundaries.
This is all to say that I haven’t found the answer to this but that you’re not alone in the struggles you face with your parents. I understand.
Hi OP. You received good advice already, as in: put boundaries, and leave as soon as you can.
But I also wanted to tell you that none of this is your fault. Your parents are immature. Read about ‘toxic parents’ and you’ll see. A comment down there is focusing on money and this is unfair. You don’t have children if you are not ready to support them financially for the time they launch their career etc. So sorry, OP. Move on, and be free.