I 31F have been invited to a wedding. It’s not until summer but I want to start purchasing tickets soon to avoid price increase. Unfortunately, there’s no way my boyfriend can attend with me because of work commitments. Shortly after I was invited I told my guy best friend about it and he asked me to be my plus one instead of my bf or if he could still come along even if my bf was also going. In the moment I told him he could only be my plus one if my bf wasn’t going. It’s a lot of travelling to get to the wedding destination and I’d love the company. Now that my boyfriend has confirmed that he absolutely can’t attend, is it okay to take my guy best friend?
The two haven’t met as yet but I am open to introducing them. I’m just not sure how as yet. Initially, I thought maybe a double date but my guy best friend and I talk about everything under the sun except his love life so I’m not even sure if he’s dating…I just kinda assumed he was. I don’t want to pry since it’s something he doesn’t bring up even though I talk about my boyfriend often. So I would also welcome suggestions on how else to introduce them.
ETA: Guy best friend and I have history from years ago, before we became best friends. (Dated. Ended. Moved on with separate lives. Ended up doing a project together through work and got close in that time. Eventually became best friends after. Completely platonic since breaking up.)
38 comments
This seems like a question for your boyfriend. (And maybe for the engaged couple? If I offered a plus one, I’d assume it was for a romantic partner, not just any random person who the guest wanted to bring, but I know wedding etiquette really varies so don’t presume to speak for your friends or anybody else!)
Were you invited with a +1 or with your boyfriend? First, I’d check with the wedding couple to see if it’s okay to bring someone besides your boyfriend.
If you do want to bring you guy friend (it sounds like he wants to go but do *you* want him to go?), next, I’d suggest the idea to your boyfriend to see if he’s okay with it. If he is, then ask if he wants to meet him first or has any boundaries (ex: not sharing a hotel room).
I personally wouldn’t touch on that. Bring a girl friend instead, just in case guy friend gets a little touchy or says some things that you may not be interested in.
This is coming from someone who has a lot of male friends.
I’d start with unpacking why you’re finding it difficult to introduce your partner and platonic best friend. Doesn’t seem like something that needs alot of thought put into it.
Next id ask the people involved if it’s ok not anyone else, first the people hosting the wedding, second your boyfriend.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing something like this if I were in a relationship especially if my partner hasn’t built a rapport with this person. I think this would take more than a 1 time meet and greet type of situation to form some type of comfortability. For me, this is not necessarily even about fear of what could happen but it’s just about relationship etiquette, boundaries and respect.
Edit: grammar
If the roles were reversed and you couldn’t go, would he be able to bring an ex who he stayed close with?? Be honest with yourself
Suggesting attending a destination wedding with someone who you find incredibly attractive and who you’ve kept from your partner until now — honestly, if I were your boyfriend, I would appreciate the clue and politely excuse myself from the relationship.
I have some questions about this question. Why don’t you and your guy bf talk about his dating life? Do you talk about your relationship with your boyfriend? Are there any friends you have no dating history with that you could take instead?
I’ll tell you that if this was my relationship, I would not be comfortable with it. I wouldn’t want to feel like my partner was subbing in someone else in my place, instead of just hanging out with 100 per cent platonic friends at the event. Especially since there is travel involved/this sounds like quite a major time commitment, and the two haven’t even met.
The reason I ask those first questions is: Even if there is nothing “going on” between you and your guy bf, it seems like there is a level of emotional intimacy with this person that wouldn’t apply to other friends. For me, that would cross a boundary.
Only your bf can say whether he’s comfortable with it, but I would question whether it’s worth it to put him in the position to decide that, and look for alternative ways to have a buddy at this wedding.
How long have you and bf been together? Just curious how he has not met your ‘best friend’ yet.
Nope
Sus bc he wanted to go even if bc came. Mail in the coffin is the dating history. No fucking way.
I’m just curious, if it was your boyfriend who asked his girl friend with whom he had a history with to be his plus one for the wedding, would you be okay with it? Plus they will be sitting next to each other in the 18hours flight as well.
I’m not judging you or anything like that, it’s totally up to you but I personally don’t think that making your bf’s work commitments as an excuse for you to go with your guy best friend is a good idea. Work commitments seem like something he doesn’t have control over, not that he doesn’t want to go or anything like that.
So your boyfriend doesn’t know you have a guy best friend? I don’t see how you tell him you want to go to a destination wedding with a guy best friend that he didn’t know existed. Oh and btw you actually used to date but you’re just friends now. That would I be a deal breaker for me.
If he really is your best friend, your boyfriend would already know he exists and you wouldn’t be scared to ask him would he mind if your best friend tagged along.
Your comments make it pretty clear you’re just fucking around. You know your friend wants to fuck you, and you enjoy the attention. You don’t want your boyfriend to meet him because you’re afraid it’ll spoil your fun.
This wedding is honestly the least of your issues.
If I were the boyfriend I would leave this situation so fast based on the title alone.
Yikes I wouldn’t do it. Nope nope. You “talk about everything under the sun,” with this guy? “*except* his love life”…? Idk about you but any best guy “friend” of mine who isn’t discussing even the bare minimum of their love life with me has never turned out to be a friend, but waiting prospect hoping for an opportunity such as this. You’ve acknowledged he’s attractive and you’ve hooked up in the past, this is straight up asking for trouble.
Imagine the situation was reversed, how would you feel if he went to a destination wedding with a hot girl he once hooked up with?
Oh boy, I thought it was bad that my gf of a month up and told me to choose her or my beat friend, a female of course, but damn we never ever had anything going on, never were in the same room alone. If I was your bf and saw this post I would truly think you’re insane.
Did bf say he was busy those dates or just couldn’t commit half a year in advance?
Just break up instead of fucking with his feelings
Sounds like a pretty bad idea to me. I was going to say you should talk to your boyfriend about it, but honestly I don’t think you should even bring it up.
I’m foreseeing a lot of drama in the future with this guy who you used to date, and apparently isn’t dating anyone else, and wants to attend weddings with you for people he presumably doesn’t even know.
The first issue is you’re going to a wedding, an event where most people are going to assume you’re a couple. It’s rare to go to weddings with platonic members of the opposite sex.
The second issue is, technically he’s not a guy friend but an ex boyfriend. It’s unfair on your partner that you still have a close relationship with an ex. I doubt you would be fine with your boyfriend going to a wedding alone with an ex girlfriend.
Respect your relationship and don’t go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend.
Wait hold up OP you HAVE a thread where you asked about the friend and should you cut him off, and said you have mixed feelings about him asking to go, you know what this is OP cause you admitted it in your LAST thread???? OP whats going on in your head atm? What changed from the last thread you made asking should you cut this guy best friend off 🤣?
Well I have a fun perspective as I am the guy who gets brought as a plus one when the boyfriend can’t attend.
My best friend is a woman and we have been friends for 10 plus years. We have traveled together, slept in the same room, gone on vacations just her and I and done all sorts of things.
However, I have absolutely no attraction to her whatsoever. Like sexually. I am not interested at all and I am not interested at all in dating her. She is simply one of my best friends. I love her to tears, but again, not like a “mate”. Like a sister/friend.
So, I don’t think intrinsically its bad.
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NOW, since you two dated, that is different. If I were your boyfriend I would just assume I’m getting cucked. lol Once you sleep with someone, it is always on the table. Always.
red flags galore! 1. why ask the internet when this is a question for the bf and no one else 2. if i’m the bf, i’d leave this relationship yesterday.
i’m not interested in being friends with exes (scorched earth all bridges burnt because they no longer serve any purpose in my life), which means i expect the same from my partner. edited after reading OP’s replies: i really hope you’re a troll because if this is real and you are this dense…jfc. get off the internet and work on yourself because you have problems beyond reddit’s paygrade.
The cynical take here would be that it sounds like you’re keeping the guy best friend on the back burner in case your current relationship doesn’t work out.
On a gentler note, you should ask yourself which relationship you care more about preserving.
I don’t follow how you can call someone a best friend, but not be comfortable asking him if he’s in a relationship.
I also don’t feel you’re being honest with yourself about how you are treating your boyfriend. You haven’t just not introduced them. You’ve actively hidden this friendship from him.
YOU CANT BRING YOUR EX YOU HAVENT TOLD YOUR BF ABOUT TO A WEDDING. THATS WACK
Why are you asking the internet instead of your boyfriend? Something seems a little fishy. Why would someone invite themselves to a wedding in the first place? That seems really uncouth. Does your boyfriend know you and your friend have a history? How long have you been with your boyfriend? It’s kind of unusual that a boyfriend hasn’t met a best friend. This whole situation seems off…
Based on what you described, if I was your SO I would prefer you not go to the wedding with this guy. In this situation, in your shoes, I would ask myself, 1) how much do I value my relationship (maybe it’s new and you don’t value it that much?) 2) is this decision serving the relationship. There are many gray areas when it comes to hanging out with ex’s. I prefer to stay solidly on one side of that scale as I feel it builds trust, but that’s just my preference.
I’d be honest with the current boyfriend about the history between you and the guy friend, and then ask him if he’s cool with the guy friend being your plus one. But before you do that, you should ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot.
If you have a guy best friend your bf knows nothing about what are you doing? That you have waited to tell him is a giant red flag. You’ve already f’d up this relationship. Break it off with your boyfriend and go have your plus one. You are not trustworthy as a partner.
This overall is odd. Now I have a womea best friend too but me and her husband go back and we all know each other very well. I even flew to Vegas for their wedding. In my case it would be no questions asked. I’d still get a separate hotel just because that would be a little weird IMHO and I respect my best friends husband.
Short answer…yeah if I was your boyfriend I’d think that was pretty eyebrow raising.
>my guy best friend and I talk about everything under the sun except his love life so I’m not even sure if he’s dating
So by mentioning that y’all both discuss everything but ‘he’ only refrains from discussing his dating life, it says you do talk about your dating life.
You already emotionally cheating which women generally consider to be worst then physical so you can’t do anything worse then you already doing.
In the unlikely nature that you really don’t see the issue of your situation, then that’s an even bigger issue itself
I dunno, OP. After reading some of your responses, it sounds like you like the attention from the attractive male friend possibly more than your boyfriend or you’re not even sure. You might even hook up with the male friend over at the wedding destination if it were convenient enough. I don’t know you so I can’t tell for sure. I think this mentality would be immature for even a 22 year old. Nobody would want to be with someone like this.
Some guys would just break up over something like this, but others file it in their mind and treat you like a fuck buddy until they find someone new because you basically just told them you are not someone that is marrigeable or a serious long-term option. Are you sure you want to do that in your 30s? Wasted time is a killer at this age.
I would talk to your boyfriend about it. Sure, he is your friend but this is about what your relationship boundaries are and what is/isn’t appropriate.
The fact that the two haven’t met in person makes you and your friend seem really sus from the bf’s perspective.
I(36m) have many girl friends and I always bring up my dating life. I appreciate their input on it. Sounds like homeboy is holding out and doesn’t want to tell you what’s really up.
OP, I say this with love — why did you post here if you weren’t willing to listen to EVERYONE TELLING YOU that this whole situation is extremely problematic? All I see is your denial in response to everyone pointing out valid reasons for concern. Do you really think that if this many people are all saying the same thing to you, it’s worth dismissing *all of them*, instead of the possibility that YOU might not be assessing your situation correctly?
You dated him. It doesn’t matter if your still friends don’t take him.
Everyone here has already told you the answer to your question, but you are completely ignoring it. It’s clear you didn’t come for advice, just validation. Your best friend has insinuated having feelings for you and even if he hadn’t, you have a history. Especially considering your boyfriend hasn’t even met the dude (because you’re making excuses and waiting for the “perfect double date moment”), this is not at all reasonable. If you’re too concerned about the flight alone or costs, you shouldn’t go. You could ask the bride and groom if anyone else will be traveling from your area so you can link up, but if you are seriously wanting to go on this destination wedding trip with your guy best friend (who is likely in love with you, even though you don’t want to admit it), then you should plan for the end of your current relationship.
Yikes.
I have a guy best friend who I was friends with for years, we dated for a few months, broke up, weren’t friends for over two years and now we are best friends again. Known each other for about 15 years.
The difference between my situation and yours is I am very upfront about my friend to everyone I have dated. I know how it looks and how people may feel. After meeting my friend none of my boyfriends have had issues. My friend and I have proven time and time again, that we’re not interested in anything more than a solid friendship.
My current partner and my friend are happy to hang out without me. My friend has a girlfriend he’s been dating for years and she knows about me and we hang out one on one. The key here is everyone is comfortable and there is open communication.
I don’t see a situation where your boyfriend would be okay with this based on your comments. Take a girlfriend or go alone. You also probably need to reevaluate your relationships with your friend and your boyfriend.