My wife (29F) and I (29M) have been married for 7 years now. Things were great before and after we got married. Since we had a child (Now 4), she suffered from PPD, there was a time about 2 years after where she seemed to get better and I help her by picking up the slack (i.e cleaning, cooking, looking after baby) during those 2 years so that she could focus on herself. She never wanted to see a professional about it but was prescribed medication from the local GP. Not to say that she wasnt involved at all but she was just abit checked out. Anyway, after she seemed to be getting better, she decided that she wants a career change and we will need to move away from family in order for her to do this. I agreed and said that I would support her (this after starting up my own business shortly before). Time went on and she started spending very little time at home, ive been doing all of the cleaning, cooking and parenting to our son in this time which leaves me very little time for everything else. I am the bread winner by far in our household and im having to do most of my work at night when everyone is sleeping and then do everything during the day whilst my wife is at work. Mentally im drained and im starting to resent her for leaving me to do everything whilst she heads off to work for minimal pay and not much contribution financially. Our sex life has taken such a knock and tbh, I dont want to have sex with her because all I see when I look at her is the cause of my mental issues. Im trying to stay strong for our son. My wife does love our son but she gets extremely frustrated with our son withing a few minutes of being home and I can see how much it upsets him. My wife has a mental problem that I have tried to talk to her about but she wont talk to me, ive asked her to seek help with a professional but she refuses and im in a downward spiral because im fighting myself to stay in this marriage because I dont want to be away from my son and I know that if I get a divorce she will be granted custody. I really dont mind supporting her financially but not being with my son is a scary thought for me. Im also afraid that her mental illness will deteriorate further if I divorce her. I also know that my wifes mental illness came about after she gave birth and it happens to so many woman and its not her fault. But with her refusing to get help, I dont think I can keep doing this for much longer.
11 comments
I don’t think I know what to say. That is very tough. I’m so sorry you all are going through this. Sounds like you’re at your breaking point or very close. Maybe you could start talking to a therapist online at home during the day for guidance? I would say I can’t do this anymore if you don’t go see a psychiatrist or therapist. That’s very worrisome that she gets frustrated very fast when she’s with your son. Maybe she’s spending most of her time away becase she doesn’t want to be a parent? That happens sometimes. I hope everything works out for you. Sending you as much positive thoughts as I can.
You both sound depressed. I think you both should seek professional assistance with this – it doesn’t sound like you’ve been vocal about this extreme lifestyle change and have been supportive of her choices through your frustrations. At this point if you voice your opinions/frustrations, it would feel like an attack on her. She’s clearly not opening up to you. I don’t think divorce will make it better for anyone as a first option – communication is always key to a healthy relationship, and neither of you appear to be doing that (and it would be more of an unloading session than a productive conversation, at this point).
Unfortunately it seems she’s sinking and taking you with her.
Do you think her family could make her get help?
If she doesn’t get help you’ll need to divorce unfortunately, to save yourself.
I don’t know what you should do in regards to divorce or not but I would consult a divorce attorney to obtain information on how to get primary custody if you did divorce her.
I’m so sorry ♥️ I would go to counseling to work through this. If she won’t go, go yourself. I think this marriage is salvageable, but that’s easy for me to say. I think you’re right on the money with things changing after she had your son. PPD/PPA is serious, isn’t something that always comes on and goes away while child is an infant, and she needs help and support. Good luck ❤️
You need to communicate your feelings to her. You are starting to build up resentment because you did what you did to help her and support her but she’s not paying it back by working on herself and attempting to work towards being an equal partner in the household.
You have to stop considering what you are doing NOW as supporting her. It’s not, its enabling her.
Having PPD isn’t her fault. not addressing it and treating it is her fault.
Leave her. Don’t waste your life man.
I’d consult a divorce lawyer to see what you are entitled to where you live if you did wind up divorcing your wife. Perhaps if you serve her papers it will be a wake up call and get her to start taking her mental health seriously?
You also need to tell her to find a better job or be okay with being a SAHM. No sense she goes to work every day racking up child care costs if she is barely contributing as is.
You have been doing everything for many years, I’m sure you are tired of sounding like a broken record. But I do think it’s really admirable you are still fighting for your family.
If you are in the US there is 0% chance you will lose custody. Talk to a lawyer about it.
Mental illness isn’t her fault. But refusing to do anything about it is. You are being dragged down and no one can rightfully blame you for leaving.
It’s horrible how she’s suffering but you can’t fix it.
Have been there – wife’s mental illness and short temper with our kids for even the most basic of “kid things – spilled milk, forgetfulness, etc” has definitely put a drain on me, and caused my own depression. Definitely get help for you, and like others have suggested, it may be a good idea to talk to a divorce attorney. I’ve slowly watched my enjoyment for living slip away at the idea of being around my wife for extended periods of time, therapist suggested we take a break to figure out our lives and where we’re headed…and now the feeling of being in limbo has me being blamed for our ADD daughter having a lack of focus….
Get some help for yourself, and hopefully you can get some for her as well!
I’m sorry to hear about this situation you’re in. I’m appreciative you are being supportive to your wife with the struggles she’s having and her finding something she likes to do could maybe be a start of her getting better. I hope.
That said, you are human. A human of flesh and blood, emotions, your own needs and limits. You can only disregard yourself for the sake of someone else for so long. If you break also, it will be worse for your son. It will be worse for your chances of custody if that ever becomes a legal battle. You owe it to yourself and your son to give yourself the space to recharge and keep your mental state healthy. That requires guarding your limits and needs.
If possible, anything that can give you some breathing space may be good. Getting a cleaning help, or any type of help, to get yourself recharged both physically and mentally to have a bit more head space to think this through. Couples therapy sounds good. If she’s unwilling, maybe there’s someone she’s close to who can talk to her for you, but not “your husband asked me to talk to you..” but just a “hey, what’s up, how are you doing, how are you enjoying family life. Any things going through your head right now.” The purpose is to get her to see that she needs to get therapy, and based on your comments she may not want to take it from you (even indirectly).
With a depressed partner, it’s a delicate line. I know, I am that depressed partner. But the bare minimum should be that the depressed partner WANTS to get better, and does not want to burden their spouse. I sure as hell want to get better and I sure as hell try to have discussions with my partner about needs of each side. I struggle, I’m not always rational, but I care too much about my family to not try. It worries me she doesn’t try, but I hope the new job may give her energy. Keep a little bit of hope while still working out a plan of action for any scenario that may unfold.