He (25m) called me (21f) his ‘girl’, but then said no to exclusivity

15 comments

1. He wants to date you and other people too.

2. Those are the signs of someone who wants to control you, not someone who cares about you and wants to be in a relationship with you. He wants to make sure he has all your attention, but that doesn’t mean he wants to give you all of his.

3. He meant one his girls.

4. girl. this has red flags all over it. dump him and get a man who treats you deservingly. and doesn’t question you just living

5. Keep him blocked. He’s already shown problem behavior.

6. Those things are not really hints that he wants to be exclusive with you, they are hints that he is controlling. Exclusive healthy relationships don’t include inquisitions about stuffed animals or not allowing you to have male friends.

   I’d move on, he did you a favor by telling you directly that he isn’t looking for what you’re looking for.

7. >He got upset at me when I wouldn’t show him my phone, and even gave me the silent treatment that night
   >
   >He wanted to make sure that the friends I was hanging out with were girls, and not guys.
   >
   >He questioned me on a new stuffed animal I got after Christmas asking me ‘who gave you that?’ But I got it myself

   This guy sounds like an abusive, deeply insecure piece of shit. He did three fucked up, controlling things to you (probably more that you didn’t mention too) all within the span of only one month… and you want to be his boyfriend?

   Dump him and block his number. This is the type of guy who is going to be hitting you within six months.

8. So … this guy is facing consequences. “If I don’t want to be exclusive, I don’t get to be with kappa_gam.”

   That being said, I want to congratulate you. You didn’t assume. You asked for what you wanted. So many problems we see on this sub would be solved if more people did that.

   *Some* guys need to be dragged kicking and screaming into being exclusive, but then are great partners once they’re there, once they’ve gotten over their fear of losing something.

   That being said, I have real concerns about some of your boyfriend’s behavior. Getting upset that he can’t see you phone, stopping you from hanging out with social groups that include guys or being friends with guys. (I don’t have a huge problem with asking about the stuffed animal … so long as it was genuinely asking, not suggesting that there was a problem).

   If you decide to give him another chance, you have to draw some lines in the sand. You have to talk about boundaries, and that includes you ability to have private conversations, and your ability to hang out with friends.

   (Again, it’s fine to ask “who were you hanging out with on Saturday?” But it’s not fine to ask it in a way that implies that there’s a wrong answer. So HOW he asks matters. He doesn’t get to “make sure” that the people you hang out with are girls, but he is allowed to ask questions about your relationships with guy friends, and to ask that your male friends know you’re not single and that their behavior respects that).

   Is it worth continuing to engage with him? I don’t know. It depends in part on how he responds to you checking his behavior. Like I said – some guys experience consequences, and improve their behavior. Other guys apologize like mad, but then fall right back into their old patterns the moment they feel like they have a tiny bit of power in the relationship.

   If he’s generally been a good boyfriend (and it’s not clear that he has) and the behavior your describe were atypical, then I could see continuing to talk to him. But if he’s generally been selfish and shitty, then I would not. This sub likes to assume the worst, and the worst is definitely possible here – but I’m curious if you were talking to somebody about him, how much of what you would say is positive?

9. He want you to be ‘his’ girl ie his property. But not be ‘your’ guy, so he can play around.

10. Those were hints about exclusivity, they were controlling and borderline abusive behavior.

    Consider yourself lucky to have gotten out now, and don’t look back. In the future, keep an eye out for the difference between “wants a serious relationship with you” and “doesn’t actually want to seriously date you, just wants to make sure you’re waiting around for him in case he’s bored or lonely.”

11. Coming from a guy.. that is terrible on his part

    Sounds like a manipulative person, and in this case he ain’t in the right, sounds a lot like leading you on in some cases with giving hints, but they really meant nothing, and it’s only been a month which really shows who he is and how he will be. Not really a good person to be with.

    Sorry you gotta go through this tho. whatever decision you make , I hope things go well for you..

12. He wants to fuck other women but wants to make sure you only fuck him.

13. Honestly, you lucked out.

    Him wanting to disregard your privacy, the complete lack of trust, the controlling under and overtones. He is not the kind of guy you should want as a partner.

    The fact that is only compounded by him acting and sounding like you are exclusive while also wanting to dodge the title is obviously a factor too. He wants *you* to be exclusive while he won’t be, most likely.

    You unwittingly dodged that bullet. Keep it dodged rather than jumping back in front of it. And assess what ‘exclusive’ means to you, because that toxic behaviour of his is just him being controlling.

14. Bro has issues good riddance.

15. your first respons was the correct one. Walk away and block him. If he is that controlling after 1 month, imagine a year from now. He wants to play around while you sit on the sideline cheering for him.