Yesterday evening while I was changing my husband 45M said “You could do granny porn”, I was like “WTF” and noped out of there while he was saying things like “Is there even such a thing? I’m sure there is…”
To be clear I’m 40, I know I’m not 20 anymore, I’ve had kids, life hasn’t been easy. But I do work out, and I try to take care of my body, in fact I just recently thought I’d finally made peace with how I look. Our children are also not anywhere near old enough to have kids so he didn’t say this as some sort of inside “You’re a grandmother now” joke.
He apologized after I told him later that its very hurtful when he makes a comment like this. However I’m really struggling on how to feel better about it. I’m too mortified to discuss in real life so made this throw away to vent.
Also yes it did make is somehow worse that it was on Valentines day, where I live this is a very commercialized big deal. My husband has never celebrated Valentines day and I thought we’d come to the understanding that while I expect nothing from him I do get small treats for him and the kids. Nothing extravagant just something to make them smile and feel appreciated. I am ok with no grand gestures (he said the dinner he made was my valentines which is fine, he does cook about 30% of the time but it’s obviously appreciated) but I’m not ok with negging.
14 comments
I’d take this as a sign that he’s just clueless, lacks real world awareness, and watches too much porn and media in general, where women in there 40s in great shape and beautiful are often cast as a grandmothers or in older matron like roles.
I really recommend you take this a sign to focus on yourself and your happiness. Be a little selfish. I don’t know you so I can’t really recommend much but if you are constantly at home or with your children make the conscious decision to treat yourself to some time away. This is your life and your happiness should be a main priority.
Is your relationship having problems in general? It’s like he’s trying to sabotage your relationship.
Why would he think that comment would ever be appropriate, funny or kind? Why has he stopped being kind?
I don’t think you should feel better about it. That was an awful thing for him to say to you, both the “granny” part and the “porn” part. Literally what the hell was he thinking
ask him “jokingly” if he intends to cheat on you with a minor girl.
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i should understand quickly what he has triggered.
>I’m really struggling on how to feel better about it.
You shouldn’t feel better about it–– there’s a lot of lowering the bar in this post that makes me sad for you. You have no expectations he will even make a small gesture on Valentine’s day, and now he’s actively being hurtful on that day.
This deserves a really honest examination of your relationship. Start advocating for yourself that you deserve respect and better treatment, and be honest that he can go eff himself if he thinks he can insult you as a “joke.”
My therapist would say “say it straight or say it crooked “. There’s a part of him that meant it which is why it’s impactful.
Tell him it’s too bad his d!CK is too small or he’d be great for Grandpa porn.
Let him see how it feels. 🤷
I think you should not just let it slide and learn to live with it. I think you should talk about it again. How hurtful it was and how it made you feel. Maybe you could plan something just for you, like a visit to a cosmetic studio or a spa day or something. And tell him very specifically that this is to feel better about yourself after he said something like that.
I’m 41 and i understand you so well. This was no joke. He wanted to insult and hurt you.
I don’t know if you had this in your country, but when i was young, we had at night those “call me” sex hotline spots in tv and there were also the ones of women 70+. This is grannyporn.
Does he forget that he is even older?!
I wonder if he often puts you down. Those little hurtful things he always sells as jokes to bring down your self-esteem. You said that you made peace with how you look – isn’t the timing for his “joke” not too perfect? As if he couldn’t take that you get self-secure again, so he must put you down. Think back how often he did this before and if he does other forms of abuse.
That comment didn’t come out of nowhere. He meant what he said and was comparing you. There’s issues there that you are missing. The mentioning of porn part is telling. When and how often is he searching for that? In the meantime, continue what you are doing for yourself.
Gotta see some pics to get the visualization
(My worthless two cents) I never understand why women put up with men like this, so forgive my anger.
Your husband makes a cruel comment under the guise of it being a ‘joke,’ when he knew exactly what he was doing, which makes it sound like he knows you look good, so he wants to beat down your self-confidence so you won’t leave.
The Valentines thing: He never celebrates it, even though it’s obvious you want to. Over the last few days, there have been sooo many posts about women talking about how their significant other refuses to do anything for Valentine’s Day for them, even when they ask, and I always say the same thing—if he wanted to, he would. Meaning, if he cared enough, he would.
My love, don’t put up with his bullshit any longer. What if you did an experiment? Say for a solid year, you don’t buy him anything—not even for Father’s Day. Tell him you don’t celebrate that stuff anymore and see how he reacts. No birthdays, no Christmas, nothing. And during that year, I want you to work on yourself. Like someone else said, be selfish. Focus on your babies, and then, yourself. JUST yourself.
What do you want from your life when those babies grow up and move out? Are you going to be staring at a this man, wondering why you gave him the best years of your life?
Because they grow up so fast, and suddenly, one day, you’re sitting there without an identity because you’ve been momma for so long. I lived that reality.
That’s all my negativity, and none of my anger is directed at you. I want to protect you and tell him what a shitty husband I think he is.
Now the positivity: what good does he do? What little things does he do to make you feel appreciated? How many breaks does he give you? How many times does he tell you he loves you? Or kisses you? Or says you’re beautiful? What’s your thing? What made you fall in love with him? How long did he chase you? When did he stop chasing you? Tell me something good about him—that has nothing to do with the kids and being a father. How good of a husband is he outside of this hurt? (If all of this is too pushy, ignore my post, and many blessings to you)
Dear OP: I’m sorry your husband hurt your feelings. Now that he’s apologized, I hope you can move forward. I suspect that in your husband’s mind, the granny porn comment was a compliment, albeit a clumsy, thoughtless attempt at a compliment. Be sure to address him as Grandpa.