My boyfriend (30M) and me (28F) have been dating 2 years going onto the third. The first 1.5 years we lived together and moved in quickly. He has never lived with a girl before and has been single most of his 20s. This was a big adjustment for him and we fought about finances, groceries and housework. He always said – if your the one that wants it then you buy it. I would regularly ignore him and buy food for us both as I grew up in an Italian family and food was always abundant in my home and homemade dinners were common. This is how I live as well. He on the other hand eats out every meal. He likes my food but doesn’t want to be apart of the process. Fine I get it. But it’s expensive and it was hard on me every week getting stuff for someone who was not appreciative and just wanted McDonald’s.
Second – housework. He considered me a clepto cleaner and complained about how there was always laundry and I was vacuuming . We have a big dog and both of us go to the gym and use the sauna so lots of towels and clothes are always piling up. I did all the laundry without complaining but he would never appreciate it and say that all I do is clean and “it’s not normal” and my way of life is causing him stress.
Third- expenses. He did not contribute to expenses , I own my condo so rent isn’t a thing and he said i would still be paying for internet even if he wasn’t here so why should he pay for that. Only time he would give $ was for his parking spot and dog food.
He constantly complained about not having money when he makes great money but because I am more financially stable than him I think he felt insecure especially living in my place.
So due to all of this we broke up. He moved out and appears to be much happier.. he said he needs his own space and doesn’t want to deal with me controlling him. Which I did not I just expected a partner not another dependant.
We are taking things slow I guess but I am extremely hurt that his life is “better”without me and he says I don’t want someone to always have to check in with . He says he loves me and we spent Valentine’s Day together but he gets mad every time I ask what is going on between us.. he says he can only handle me in small doses but he said I’m his person and we can work towards a relationship.
I just don’t trust it and I’m really unsure if I’m wasting my time . I would rather grieve the loss and find someone who wants to be with me but I truly do love him and want him to be my husband. I just don’t get how he would ever want to move in with me in the future if he had all this anxiety when we used to live together.
I guess my question is why can’t he be open about how he feels and his timeline of progression, If we are dating or not ?
TLDR; boyfriend moved out after 2 years for space is happier but gives no insight into whether we are together or it’s possible to rebuild. Won’t tell me his plans or what he is doing on weekends, sometimes hangs with me sometimes he does not…He is reassuring that there is nobody else & he isn’t looking .. am I wasting my time waiting for him to be ready
10 comments
Move on…you are wasting your time…he wants you when he wants you and other times he doesn’t. This person cannot be in a stable relationship.
Do yourself a favor. Pretend this story isn’t about your life, read it, and think about what you would say to the person in your shoes. I think you already know the answer
Move on. This guy is a loser
You either want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to pull their own weight and who also wants to be in a relationship, or you want to be in whatever this is.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
OP, you are normal.
It is normal to want to share meals, share chores, share expenses.
He wants a fuckbuddy – and live his own life without you the rest of the time – that is okay too but that is not what you apparently want. It is completely normal to want more just being fuckbuddies. It is NOT okay that he is trying to make you feel guilty of your perfectly normal wants to have a more equal partnership that involves sharing your lives.
You have to assume he is happy this way and isn’t going to change. If you don’t want the fuckbuddy life, you know what you need to do.
I’m sorry, but he won’t ever love you how you need to be loved. You either except him as he is—right now, in this moment—or you walk away for good. He’s shown you every red flag, but you refuse to see them. How many more does he have to shove in your face before you realize he’s not the one? He’s deliberately leading you on, making you think he’ll come back but he has no intention of doing that. Find someone on your level. Know your worth.
Sounds like he doesn’t want a serious relationship only something casual
You shouldn’t have moved a bum in with you just to say that you have a BF. If he isn’t contributing to making your life better and making it harder, then you should’ve been rid of him. Nothing about him says he’s relationship material so how did you to get husband out of him? You are not together and quit downgrading to FWB / side chick. Ghost him and move on.
I could understand if you’d say you wanted him to be your lover because it seems there are some moments between you, that you hold dear **BUT** I‘m very doubtful a lifelong (?) committed relationship where you share a lot of ordinary moments and make a life together will be full-filling given the circumstances.
not saying married people have to live in the same house, have children and so on. but don’t forget: legally you’d be one entity, you’d share responsibility for each other despite all the other arrangements. imagine filing taxes, having power of attorney, and so on.
This reeks of Sunk cost fallacy