I (30F) sometimes get so distracted that I stop responding to questions mid conversation or zone out after a while. My (31M) bf says it feels like I’m giving him the silent treatment or ignoring him which causes him to withdraw. The problem is I don’t realise I’m doing it. My minds just blanks / assumes the convo is done.
Apparently I do this to a lot of people, cos my sister also complains about it but actively calls my attention to it. I find this helpful.
I’ve asked that he actively draw my attention to it (like my sister does) but he says he feels like he’s nagging cos it happens multiple times in a day. I’ve tried to assure him it’s not but he still doesn’t feel comfortable doing so.
I realise how frustrating this must be for him and I constantly apologize. He’s so important to me, I care about him deeply and I tell him this all the time.
I try to explain how it isn’t at all intentional and I have been working on being more present. I do feel he should be able to cut me some slack but I don’t want to continue hurting him or police how he processes the situation.
We’ve been together 18months and this is a recurring issue. I’d like for the tiffs on this to stop.
If anyone has any pointers on how to navigate this or tips for being less distracted. I’d appreciate it.
TL/DR: I get easily distracted and it upsets my bf. Need tips on being less distracted.
5 comments
you need to see a doctor.
Are you just staring off into space when this happens? Or distracted by something like your phone or tv?
Kind of random, but, have you ever talked to a doctor about this? It seems to me this could be an ADHD marker, which is very often overlooked in women.
I have a few suggestions, outside that:
* It’s great your sister found a way to make things work, but it’s not really fair to ask someone else to constantly be compensating for this, so if I were you, I wouldn’t ask him to take that on again.
* Apologies are great, but meaningless if action doesn’t accompany them. Can you try thanking him, instead? It’s probably that he isn’t cutting you more slack at least partially because the apology is empty when your actions don’t change. Instead of, “Sorry I was distracted” try “Thanks for bringing me back to conversation” or something like that.
* Are you looking at him during these conversations? When you’re face to face with someone, it’s harder to get distracted.
* Finally, make a habit of ASKING is the conversation is done, or simply SAYING your mind blanked. Anything other than silence, and this can also help you both identify when and why it’s happening.
Maybe talk to your primary care doctor about some ADHD/ADD diagnosis/treatment options?
Do you work? Do you get this distracted at work all the time? Seems like it’s time to see a doctor to see what the issue is.
It’s not enough to just be sorry, you need to try to fix whatever you’re apologizing for and not just doing it over and over again. It shows you don’t mean it. Whether that means you need to turn your tv off, put your phone on silent or in another room or whatever, but you need to make an effort.