My boyfriend is a bit younger than me, and I’ve been with him for about 6 months. I am coming out of a divorce and he’s done nothing but be kind and supportive. I don’t have much experience dating or sleeping with men because I’ve been with the same man since I was 22, who never wanted to be sexual with me because he is asexual (admittedly).
Another thing to add to this is that I grew up as a teenage model and had to face a lot of rejection and criticism regarding my looks and appearance. So in general, I’ve always been a bit insecure about my looks and my sexual ability as I am inexperienced, but have always been praised for my looks and it has gotten me far in life.
last night my boyfriend made me feel horrible during sex. he stopped mid sex to yell at me for being hesitant about doing something he wanted me to do. It’s not that I’m not explorative, but I do tend to be a bit shy but do have a high sex drive.
He is a quite aggressive person which I find helpful as I am the opposite, but he also made a critique that I’m never the one to say elicit things or send nudes. I would of course do this (and have in the past) but this is all new to me and it makes me very nervous.
I’m wondering if he has a point or if I’m just a complete loser?
TL;DR: boyfriend constantly critiques me for being shy, and it’s starting to make me feel unappreciated and terrible about myself.
8 comments
Your boyfriend sounds like an abusive, controlling asshole and you should end this relationship.
In a healthy loving relationship your partner will be gentle and understanding and make you feel sexy.
He is not one of those partners. Yelling at you tells me he only cares about himself.
Find a partner who makes you feel beautiful. And if you settle for less maybe find therapy to help you find your worth.
Break up with him before he hurts you physically.
It’s interesting that your response to your history of insecurity is to date someone who makes you insecure. Why do you think that is?
The fact that he is making you feel like a complete loser is what’s important. Part of being in a relationship is understanding your partner, their past, their experiences (or lack of), and their feelings. He has more experience than you at this particular subject, that doesn’t give him the right to be an asshole. H needs to be patient while you guys communicate and physically push beyond some of the things you might be afraid of or inexperienced with.
Your knowledge doesnt matter, your experience doesnt matter, your feelings do. Hes being an asshole.
>he stopped mid sex to yell at me for being hesitant about doing something he wanted me to do.
I’m sorry your self esteem isn’t in the right place. If it were you’d have dumped him on the spot because this is completely unforgivable.
What part of that sounds healthy or reasonable to you?
>He is a quite aggressive person which I find helpful as I am the opposite
Aggression is not what you want. You want someone that takes action, is driven, and in turn makes you feel comfortable and supported doing the same.
In reality this partner is just recreating the trauma you experienced as a teen. He is another person just barking at you, telling you what to do, making you feel self conscious. He is aggressive in the negative sense, the toxic sense, the abusive sense.
Meaning in reality he is the opposite of what you need in your life. You need someone that can help you realise that it is okay you are inexperienced and that you can slowly explore new things at your own pace. No more going with the flow or letting men define how you view yourself and the choices you make.
Please walk away from this. It can be the nature of trauma survivors to settle for ‘less bad’ then the worst we have experienced because often our sense of what is normal and healthy is just completely distorted. I worry you honestly don’t see just how bad this situation is.