Just want to vent this somewhere…
My former fiancé (28m) and I (28f) downgraded our status from fiancés to bf/gf due to circumstances mid-2022. We’ve been together since just before the pandemic and have been in a long-distance relationship. We visit each other when we can, which is 1-2 times a year (different continents). We had planned to meet each other in Europe where he would get his papers together so he can finish his school and start his career there. While we’re there, we would travel a bit so I can get familiar with Europe. December 2022 rolls around and I was about to put in my PTO at work for this trip we had been planning for months. The night before I planned to submit my PTO request and book my ticket, we’re talking on the phone and my bf says “my mom is going with me to Europe.” I was shocked since I didn’t know she planned to join us. I responded saying “oh she’s joining us? I didn’t know she wanted to come. Does she know that I’m meeting you there?” He then says “our plans weren’t solid. We were just talking about it but we never decided. You can come if you want but I think you might feel awkward or make my mom feel awkward since you don’t speak a common language.” I was dumbfounded. I felt so disrespected and unwanted in that moment. I let it go since it was his mom… but this really made me consider our relationship status.
Fast-forward to February 2023, I had been hinting to him that I would be happy with just flowers this year since he would be traveling during Valentines Day. He always laughed it off and I told him I was serious. I had a gross feeling in the pit of my stomach in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, thinking that I wouldn’t get anything. He calls me early on Valentines Day and wishes me a good day and hopes that “we will spend next year together.” Being petty I responded saying “yeah… we were supposed to spend this year together but you’re with your mom.” He ignored my comments. He said he got me something for Valentines Day but it’s with him and he can’t send it. Though I appreciate him thinking of me and getting me something, I can’t help but feel that receiving this gift at a much later date would not only remind me that he chose to vacation with his mom over me and the gift might lose its value to me at that point. I just imagined receiving a little trinket in October and him saying “Happy Valentine’s Day! Sorry it’s late.”
I didn’t say anything more, wondering if I’d get a package or flowers at my door sometime through the day or even a post/story on IG. I kept checking my cameras and the only thing that came were my dogs’ Dentastix from Amazon.
He didn’t call me me again but sent me a regular text message talking about his travels.
I know I might sound completely shallow for putting so much weight into a gift on Valentine’s Day, and believe me when I say that I normally don’t mind situations like this. But because of how everything has progressed from us “downgrading” from fiancés to bf/gf, his mom taking my place on a vacation I really needed to be on (I won’t have many chances to visit Europe before moving there), and seeing everyone be acknowledged by their partners online… I feel like my feelings are justified. He posts pictures from his trip on IG but won’t share a single picture of us for VDay. Im becoming petty and I don’t like who I’ve become. I just cried myself to sleep and am being super passive with him. Im waiting for his trip to end so we can talk about this more seriously. God-forbid I ruin his fun vacation because of my feelings🙃
TLDR: my bf didn’t get me anything for VDay and went on a trip with his mom instead of me.
14 comments
You hardly see this person, why not try to find a relationship with someone close to home who you can see. Sorry but he doesn’t seem that invested.
Why are you with him?…..
I think he’s showed his feelings pretty clearly I’m afraid. If you met just before the pandemic and only seen each other 1/2 a year then you’d have only seen each other 4-5 times so I think it’s wise you take it slower
I hope youre ok
I think that this is the type of “care” you’ll be looking forward to if you stay with this person. Not to say he’s a momma’s boy but…he might be.
I would tread very carefully and slowly from here on out, if you don’t end things completely. Have an honest conversation with him that you were hurt by his apparent lack of thought towards you and your future together (as you say, this would be one of the few times for you to become familiar with Europe before moving (???) there). I find it helpful to write out your feelings as bullet items to make them more concise and clear.
I’d definitely rethink moving to be with him in general – if you’ve only met in person a handful of times over the years and this is how he’s treated you lately, I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I can’t figure out why you consider this person a boyfriend.
How did you become engaged and did he give you a high quality ring?
Why are you with him at this point? Sounds like the problem is deeper than just a valentines gift. He chose his mom above you, that already says where his priorities lie.
I was in a long distance relationship with a European and we got married not long after and am now living in Europe with my husband. My husband and I would visit all year as much as the law would let us, nothing could hold us apart, not even vacation time with his parents or mine, not even Covid.
The fact that you guys barely see each other and the fact that he barely seems to make an effort to see you or travel to where you are says a lot about how he feels about you. If I were you, as hard as it is, I would leave him and move on. Find someone who values you, who puts you above everyone else, someone who will go to the end of the world to see you and make you happy. Not someone who shrugs you off for their mom.
Simple: you aren’t dating him. This is a friendship and that’s all. It’s not even a close friendship. He doesn’t even want you to come on his Europe trip, he made that very clear that HE will feel awkward if you came along. You are living for the future hoping that you will someday date him. Start living for today. He wished you a happy v day because it was polite, not because he loves you. Stay friends with him if you want, but it’s not going to turn into anything more.Tell him how you feel instead of hiding it and “waiting until the trip is over to talk about it”. The time to talk is now. You feel neglected and unimportant, tell him that. Find a guy that wants to be with you.
Meeting someone once or twice a year is not a relationship. Are there no men in your city? Total man shortage?
Hopefully you won’t “hint” at things witb your next bf. Also make sure you improve your communication. I’ve been in situations where one person things plans are set in stone and the other person thinks it’s not. You didn’t say exactly what was said but I bet it’s that scenario since you also said you “hinted” at what.you wanted. Next time just say “I want x” so it’s clear.
date someone closer to you, long distance is obviously not working as you aren’t getting what you need out of the relationship. You’ve even communicated your needs, he laughed it off and ultimately ignored it.
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Drop the dude. Find someone that works hard at treating you right.
So you’ve met Face-to-face max 10 times, and you were already engaged ?
Long distance doesn’t always kills a relationships but rushing and lack of effort certainly will.
My fiancé didn’t get me anything for V-Day for 15 years. This year, he surprised me with 2 gifts. The whole V-Day frenzy about “oh, you have to get your SO a gift or flowers or they’ll be mad” is so frustrating. That’s just a rant about you being mad that he didn’t get you anything on *that* day.
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As for him going with his mom vs. you…sorry, but it sounds like he’s not really with his mom. He doesn’t seem to really care much about your relationship based on what you’ve shared. Of course, we’re missing a little, but if you’ve only seen him in person a few times and he “downgraded” your relationship, that’s a very horrible sign. If someone asked me to marry them, then later said, “Nevermind. I didn’t really mean it”, I’d be FURIOUS and wouldn’t be with them. You have to put more value on yourself than that.
Are u even in a relationship? Not really. Why out so much weight in this person that you depend on them for internal happiness? Block this loser it’s not a relationship.
1 you shouldn’t expect anything for Valentine’s Day. Yes
It’s nice but it’s not guaranteed
2 this guy sounds flaky, personally I’d move on. He ditched you for his mum 🚩🚩🚩