(22M) For context, I work as an assistant for a psychology professor at my school. Today, she pulled me aside to address her concern about my “odd interpersonal vibe.” Basically, she has observed that I can appear somewhat off-putting when interacting with others. Sometimes I make little eye contact, keep my head down, and make very short, quiet responses.
Now, from my perspective, these are usually moments when I’m focused on something, like reading or writing. However, I’m still willing to consider her opinion since I have been studying to become a counselor in the future and I can’t have emotionally vulnerable people feel uncomfortable or believe that I’m hostile.
The core of the problem is that I realize I struggle to express emotions. For most of my life now, I’ve felt the need to keep my composure, so I restrain my face automatically in front of others a lot. My personal hypothesis is that it stems from a need to perform a cool, masculine persona in my early teen years and it’s coming back to haunt me. I used to be so emotionally free as a child, but I think adolescence crushed that.
Studying psychology over the last 4 years has made me realize how important traits deemed “feminine” really are. I honestly envy a lot of women who can so freely express themselves and make others feel at ease. Especially the extroverts. They’re great.
Whenever I look at myself smile, I just cringe at myself. The way my face distorts just makes me feel ugly, which feels ironic since it’s supposed to make you more appealing hence the point of this entire post.
So, can you guys help me smile for people?
3 comments
I don’t think smiling is the problem. In fact as a patient I would prefer my therapist not to smile. Smiling shows submissiveness and I wish him to be professional.
The most import thing to me is that he would actually want to help me rather do it just for the money. I believe this is your problem. People perceive you as someone who doesn’t care about them. And this makes sense especially if you often in your head with your own thoughts.
And the reason you can’t smile is because deep down you know that your smile is insincere, it’s fake and people will notice that.
My suggestion would be to stop focusing on yourself and your problems and start focusing on the patients.
I suffer from RBF too. I’m not sure there’s a cure 😕
Are you able to smile at home? Do you have a pet that you smile at? Basically if you’re talking to someone (or someone is talking to you) then you should look up from whatever you’re doing and smile as you make eye contact. Keeping your head down could be interpreted as indifference or even hostility. (When in fact you could just be busy or distracted.)
People actually CONNECT based on emotion. So it would be helpful to start bringing a bit of that aspect to your workplace. If you do have a pet (or have ever had one in your family), people are often liberated to talk in a VERY friendly and emotional way with those pets.
Try putting a little of THAT into your tone when you talk to people. (Not over the top, but start shading it in that direction.) See if that increases your comfort level with it.
Also for your smile, look in the mirror and get your smile how you ideally want it. A genuine smile involves your eyes. Do an online search of real vs fake smile if you’re not sure what I mean. When you get the smile how you want it in the mirror, REMEMBER how that feels on your face, so you can produce the smile when you’re out in public.
Good luck!