Hey guys, so my birthday is coming up in the next few weeks and it’s been a source of turmoil in my relationship with my girlfriend of one and a half years.
1ST CONFLICT
______________________________________________
She had asked a few times what I would like to do earlier in the month and I didn’t really have a plan yet, she asked if I’d want to do dinner and I said that probably would be good. Fast forward to today, she asked again during our Valentine’s dinner what do I want to do for my birthday. I suggested I’d like to get dinner with her and my parents. She immediately stopped talking, got up and dinner was over. She was very upset, and explained that she had already talked to her parents who wanted to get me a gift, and settled on paying for our dinner. Once I learned about this I basically was like oh that’s no problem, very generous of your parents, why don’t we get dinner together me and you on my bday and we can get dinner with my family on the following day. She wouldn’t accept that because, in her words she would feel like I settled for dinner with her and she was the second choice. She was extremely upset about the miscommunication, spending probably 10 minutes going back and forth and not accepting my apologies. Basically just saying that she didn’t understand how it could have happened. She told me I was being selfish for not considering her feelings. I honestly didn’t know what to do at that point and the argument ended by her storming off (she has something to do tonight).
She then called me on the phone, upset but calmed down and said we need to figure out what to do for my birthday by tonight.
2ND CONFLICT
______________________________________________
So when she got back we agreed that dinner together on the birthday would work but then came birthday weekend. So after some friend group drama involving my gf, I distanced myself from my core friends. Because of that I don’t have anyone in town to celebrate my birthday with. My closest friend currently lives about 3 hours away and has the same bday as me coincidentally. He invited us to go out with him and his friends on the weekend, and I always go snowboarding for my birthday so for months before my gf and I had planned on doing that as well.
My gf told me that she can’t afford to do both, and that I have to choose one or the other. That is completely fair, I am very into personal finance and I respect not spending beyond ones means but this is my birthday and I really wanted to make both happen, especially because with no friends in town, this will be the first time I don’t actually have a “party” or get together for my birthday. Because of that I said that I would cover her expenses for the trip to my friend. I have more than enough left in my fun budget for the month and an in a very good financial situation. It shouldn’t be more than $150. She will not accept it because it makes her uncomfortable, but also was very very upset when I offered to go alone.
She went on to say that she will feel guilty if we don’t see my friend because of how disappointed I would be, and that she was upset that she will never be enough, and that she wasn’t special enough to just spend my birthday with her, for me to be happy I had to do other things (Snowboarding, friends, family etc). I explained that she is incredibly special to me and that’s why I wanted to include her in all those activities. I also explained that we could make it work if I covered for her but that reeeaally pissed her off because I brought it up again after she said it made her uncomfortable.
I feel pretty backed into a corner here and i’d like another perspective. Is this behavior normal? Am I being selfish or inconsiderate here?
More particularly: is it fair for her to not let me see my friend when budget is the concern, but also guilt me into not being disappointed?
Tldr:
Girlfriend called me selfish for miscommunicating my birthday plans. then did not allow me to pay for our trip to see a friend to celebrate my birthday with, but feels guilty and will not accept me being disappointed in not seeing him.
4 comments
It sounds like shes making YOUR birthday about HER. And it sounds like you tried to mediate the situation but shes standing her ground. But at the end of the day it is your birthday and it is about you. You can tell her hey im going on this snowboarding trip with our without you ill be happy if youre there but im not going to not do what i want for my birthday because youre too proud to let me pay for you. And about the dinner gosh shes making it more complicated than it needs to be you already said it was fine if you did a dinner with her and her parents and a separate one with your parents why wont she just take that as a comprise.
It sounds a bit concerning that she’s the reason you distanced yourself from your friends and now is trying to push you to celebrate your birthday with her exclusively. She might have some attachment issues. It’s normal for someone to want to celebrate their birthday with friends and family as well as their partner. You should clarify that it’s healthy for you to spend time doing what you love outside of the relationship and to stay in touch with your friends. She should be doing the same. Does she still have friends still and her own hobbies ? In any case, don’t let her influence you to isolate yourself.
She seems very controlling, good luck with that
Happy (almost) birthday!
I have feelings of concern for you. It sounds like you’re being subjected to emotional manipulation/abuse as well as controlling and isolating behaviors. Abuse isn’t always in the form of a punch or a kick.
The suggestions you’ve made are reasonable. Maybe they’re being rejected because you’re not in a reasonable situation.
Do you think anyone from your former friend group would be open to reconciliation with you? I’m not suggesting for your bd, but to start rebuilding your friendship and support network.
May you be safe. May you be happy.