When my girlfriend [21] and I [24] have sex it’s usually great, we have similar kinks and good chemistry. However, the problem is getting to the point where she is ready for it.
Prior to penetration we make out, touch and go down on each other, dirty talk, and use vibrators, yet a lot of the time she will not be ready after significant amounts of foreplay. Often after a while she says I should try putting it in her, but when I do it hurts her and I can tell she’s not enjoying it. We will keep doing foreplay and try with lube but often nothing helps. After a certain point she gets really stressed that it’s not working and we stop, and for the rest of the night she is very sad and quiet. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t say much besides that she’s stressed that this always happens.
She tells me she wants to have sex and that she is attracted to me, and though sometimes this makes me feel like it’s not the case I do believe her. This started happening a few months ago and it has become a pattern which has been increasing in frequency. She says she is worried this is going to happen almost every time we are about to have sex, which makes it really hard for her to relax and enjoy the moment.
I think this is at least partly my fault, as I initially reacted poorly to this happening before I understood more of what was going on. However, now that I do I try to be there for her and not to take it personally. Also, when we first started dating I was clear that sex is a really important to me as it’s a way in which I like to express love, so when this happens she thinks I am going to eventually want to leave her.
I guess I am just wondering if anyone has any advice on what I can do to try and fix this. I love her so much but it is starting to become a strain on the relationship and I don’t know what to do.
3 comments
Have you tried enjoying sex together wouldn’t preparation?
Maybe it would be worth a shot for a few times going into it both without the end goal of preparation just playing with toys each other and masturbating, it might help get that stress off of her shoulders and maybe workout having to worry about it it will kinda drift away.
Your initial impatient reactions def could have a lot to do with the performance anxiety she has now. Was this recent? The more in her head she is about it the greater it will distress her. Maybe try a period where you take PIV sex off the table COMPLETELY. Where she feels that your arousal and affection toward her does not require her to turn the switch on and go. If you spend a couple weeks doing this.. spending time kissing (make out sessions are freaking unreal), massaging, caressing her, and hold her close to you till she falls asleep… it will give her body an opportunity to relax and know she is “safe” (from having to BE anything). As a woman I can tell you it’s a pretty safe bet to get her to a place where she just feels loved and unburdened by the stress of what she’s going through now.
Also, idk if she’s on any medication, but there are def some that affect that.
Her stress about the whole situation, fearing pain and fearing your reaction is clearly a huge part of this problem. Some ways you could help with that are lots of reassurance that you love her and aren’t going to react negatively. I also agree with the other comment saying that having sex without any expectations of PIV could really help relax her worries.
Lots of love and support and reassurances that she doesn’t need to rush things or have penetration at all if she’s not ready so probably.
Any attempts to keep going (from you or her) while she’s feeling pain will only make the situation worse. It will create pathways in her brain linking the memory of sex with the memory of pain and she’ll have muscle memory of the pain that makes her tense up even worse.
If nothing you guys are doing on your own is working well enough then I really recommend for her to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. They can really help with any physical issues she might have, and even with whatever mental block she might have.