My husband and I got married in 2021 and we just had a zoom court date, we didn’t dress up, we didn’t have rings, it was just solely to get legally married with the promise we’d have a ‘vow renewal’ within 2 years and it would be like an actual ceremony that we didn’t have. My husband hasn’t even proposed to me to get married before zoom court or now.
Anyways we have a baby now and things were ok after she was born, I had a super complicated pregnancy so that wasn’t the easiest of times but we are all ok and healthy now.
Fast forward his brother proposed to his girlfriend and now are planning to get married ASAP and my husband is best man so he has a lot of the planning he’s thrown from their wedding that now he doesn’t even want to plan or have our wedding because he says he’s so over it and that I should just enjoy their wedding day since ours will never be more then a zoom court date on a random weekday during his lunch break. I feel extremely hurt by this and I tell my husband crying that it’s not fair and that I don’t feel we have committed ourselves to each other because the zoom court was extremely lame. I always dreamed of feeling pretty and special on my wedding day and I didn’t at all. Ever since I expressed my feelings my husband has been distant from me. He doesn’t touch, kiss, or say he loves me like he used to. When we lay in bed we used to cuddle or spoon and now he plays on his phone then faces the opposite direction and goes to bed without talking or saying anything. When we are home during the evening after work he plays his computer games with random people talking to him on his headset all night until he goes to bed.
Despite all this I still got him some chocolates and a nice card for Valentine’s day. He stayed late in the office and came home looked for a second at the card, threw it in the trash and said he won’t eat the chocolates because of a new diet. I feel devastated. He didn’t hug, kiss, touch me in anyway shape or form or even say thanks or that he loves me. He didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day but I wasn’t expecting him to because it’s just not his thing. The only time he touches me or kisses me is when we have sex which is close to never.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting this other then to vent I guess. It just sucks and I wish things would get better.
14 comments
How old are you and your husband?
This guy sounds like a child who wants to live an extended adolescence.
He might be acting out resentment of making a commitment to you and is not mature enough to talk about their feelings. An all to common pattern with men and the women who try to ‘be better’ in hopes they will change.
Some men just get bitter when their life shifts to being the foundation for a family. Marriages are work, if he cant see that or is shutting down, how can you proceed?
For your child, I recommend couples therapy. There is clearly a lack of communication that needs to be worked on. He also is an asshole and needs to work on it.
He threw out your chocolates 🙁 this does all seem pretty cold. Whats going on in his life? Maybe its not the relationship but stress or something. Does he contribute anything positive to the relationship anymore? Is he open to talking or does he shut you down?
Hm.. why is he being so rude? Is he mad at something that he isn’t able to properly convey? Cause no matter how tired he is, it doesn’t warrant him being dismissive of your loving gestures.
Why are you still having sex with him???
What a childish man you are married to. Find someone who is mature as you husband will never change if he is like this at age 29.
Info: was marriage even a conversation you had with your husband before you knew you were pregnant?
I understand he may feel like the wedding is done and he may just want to keep it moving per se but the fact that you expressed you still would like something or that it hurt you not to have what you would have liked should make him really think about your feelings and how this affected you. It seems not only does he not care but also is deliberately being cold and mean, I don’t think this would bother you as much if things in your relationship were really great, from the sounds of it you guys need some couples counseling. He seems mean and you seem to be trying so hard to make things work and he’s not putting in the same effort.
Sounds like he’s checked out of the marriage already. He’s not even treating you with respect or like your feelings are valid. I’d turn to your support system instead of him to get some advice on things and when you’re ready, go to counseling, individual and-or couples, and don’t let him try to control the sessions.
Why doesn’t he show you any affection? Does he have any mental illnesses? This just sounds like he’s going through the motions of life without considering if it’s something he actually wants, which is obviously not only hurting him but you as well.
Sorry OP, but it also sounds like he doesn’t wish to invest in your marriage. A wedding ceremony also serves as an announcement, a day of celebration, of memories and definitely an investment, small or large. Seems like your husband might feel it easier to get out of a marriage without all those things. He sounds more like a roommate than a partner. Maybe therapy together could get you closer and help you figure out what’s up but more likely than not, he’s checked out. Your feelings, wants and needs are valid. Maybe he did you a favor, and the only photos and memories you’ll have in the future are of someone that would love to experience this day and everything it brings with it, fondly with you!
So you married because you needed something (insurance) and now are upset at the lack of “romance?”
You’re a wife and mother now, so maybe try letting go of the fantasy of a fancy wedding. The wedding should never be why “you feel committed to each other.”
Work on your marriage, get together in a good place, and then maybe plan an anniversary party. You’ll enjoy it much more if you’re happy in your marriage.
I’m sorry that you are going through this. Your feelings are valid. Have you talked to him about how you feel your in a loveless marriage?
Sorry to say it but he wont change.. you and your baby deserve much better
If you want someone to tell you to leave, I’ll be the one. My ex was like your husband. He even said the same thing about the video games lol. I left him after being married for 6 years, together for 9, and it was the best thing I ever did.
I tried to get my ex to go to therapy to work on our problems and he refused for as long as I asked him. I read couples books and articles on communication and did everything I could to try and fix things on my own. He wouldnt even talk to me about the books I was reading. I cried about how unhappy I was and he didnt even care. He wouldnt even put his phone down when I told him Ive never been so unhappy in our marriage. I guess watching tiktok was more important.
Then a few weeks later I told him I wanted to leave him. Then he cried and begged me to go to counseling and went crazy planning an extravagant trip for us. He even told me he was going to give me a real proposal since he never did (something I asked for many times in the beginning of our marriage). Too bad our marriage was already dead and he pushed me to the point of no return.
I left and never looked back. I reccomend the same for you. Seriously, you deserve better.
And the next person I started dating seriously did all the things my husband never did that I would get so upset about (ex. Complimenting me or apologizing when he made me upset, bought me flowers for Valentines day) notice that this is literally the bare minimum I’m impressed by now 🙄
You deserve better and dont forget it.
Ouch. This hurts to read.
I’m so sorry OP. You deserve to be treated WAY better. There’s no excuse for that kind a callous behavior. It’s just unacceptable.
I can’t believe he threw your card in the trash. What a jerk.