When I say obligations, I mostly mean basic courtesy. If we make plans to get lunch, they will show up 20+ minutes late with no apology. Or even not show up at all, and then text me back two hours later saying they overslept, or were sick, or forgot. Sometimes even “yeah I woke up and just wasn’t feeling like going out today.”
I have brought up my frustration with a few of the flakiest people and they blamed their ADHD or Autism (I have ADHD too and I’m always on time) and basically said to just get started on the meal or activity without them and they would just join in when they arrived. Having to eat alone for the first half of a meal, or being a half hour into a movie while they’re getting popcorn at the snack counter is just not gonna work for me. It feels so disrespectful of my time. But they feel that as long as I don’t \*have to\* wait for them, then it’s no harm no foul when they show up late.
I also feel like I try to make things special for them, or at least think of them, and then never have it reciprocated when it’s “my turn.” My one friend…I took her to the amusement park for her birthday (something that she hinted to me that she wanted) and treated her to dinner. I got her an art book from one of her favorite animation studios, I even got frog wrapping paper on Etsy to wrap it because she loves frogs. I don’t expect special wrapping paper or anything, but she didn’t even say happy birthday to me on my birthday. She didn’t *forget* that it was that day, she just “couldn’t think of anything to get me” and felt weird saying happy birthday with no gift. A few days later she got me cupcakes from a bakery in the same building as her work, half vanilla half chocolate. I don’t even like chocolate cake.
When we *are* together, we really do have such good conversations. Connecting with them emotionally feels effortless. They have helped me (verbally) through a really bad breakup and more. We can talk for hours and I do truly feel seen and understood in those moments. It just seems like all of those occasions happen at their convenience, and they make me feel bad like I’m obsessed with “stuff.” I really don’t think I am. But I would like respect, and consideration of my time. I would like to feel like I don’t come second to “never being inconvenienced, ever.” I would like reciprocation on more than just…talking. I’ve tried meeting some other people and branching out more, but “just make friends” as an adult is so daunting, and everyone else that I’ve met so is like this too. I don’t know if I want to leave because my standards are too high, or if I’ve stayed because they’re too low.
tl;dr: Friends are very emotionally connected, but flakey, and it feels like they take me or leave me exclusively on their terms. Is this the new normal and I am wrong for wanting more? Or am I being taken advantage of?
8 comments
Maybe your friends just aren’t great friends/people?
People do exactly what they want to do. Every single time. They put their time, effort, and energy into those things that are important to them, and they put less (or none) into things that are less (or not) important to them.
If they are not acting as if basic courtesy is important to them, it’s because it’s *not*. If they are not acting as if your time has value, it’s because (to them) it does *not*.
It’s time to go find some friends who value the same things that you do.
It doesn’t matter if it’s ‘the new normal’ (it’s not)- it matters if you don’t like it and expect more from friends. Time to find people who you can rely on.
You need to categorize your friends. These aren’t friends you can rely on or gift giving friends, so treat them accordingly. Do not make any plans on them where it will inconvenience you if they no-show or are late. Only invite them to things you will be going to anyway and are fine going to with or without them. Don’t accept invitations from them that might cause problems. Don’t put effort into their birthdays. That isn’t the kind of friend these friends are. Accept them for who and what the are, sometimes friends you can sometimes have good conversations and support from.
And look for new friends who fit other roles. You find friends who reciprocate effort by not getting close to people who don’t early on in the forming of the friendship. Participating in activities you enjoy that happen regularly in your community helps. People tend to make friends by regularly seeing the same people over a long period of time in a setting that allows for social interaction. So clubs and activities are good for this. Even if you struggle to make new friends, treat your old friends appropriately to the type of friend they are, rather than putting in effort in ways that they don’t fit.
The dynamics were established before you knew it. So for them , it’s become a norm. It’s likely they are the same with others too. Like attracts like. It *is* difficult to make friends as you get older but it’s never too old to ditch such friends
Those are not friends. They’re people you know. That’s it. I hope you can find a friend. None of mine would ever treat me this way. Never.
These aren’t friends you can make these kinds of plans with. These are the friends you invite to things you’re going to with or without them, so you will have a good time regardless, or who you can call or text with, but they are telling you they are not the friends who will show up on time for a reservation.
There are absolutely other people you can be friends with who will be where they told you they would, when they said they would. Your wishes are not too much. There can be room in your life for both kinds of friends.
These people don’t seem bad just emotionally immature. And that’s ok, but there’s probably others who are closer to your level… Sometimes it’s hard to find others!