My husband keeps telling me to be quiet in publive

3 comments

1. I met my spouse when I was 19(f) and he was 25(m). We met at a time where we were both extremely social and each had a large group of friends and participated in many activities without many responsibilities. During our courting phase of 2 years he was super fun! We did many different things including travelling, camping, rock climbing, skiing, road trips and my souse presented as happy and loving life. Today we have been together for almost 16 years. We are a child-free family however we have various pets. A bit about me. I’m 35 female. I feel all the feels and I like this about me. I have a strong personality. I can rub people the wrong way if I come on too strong or too happy. If I don’t like you it shows on my face. I wear my heart in my sleeve. I’m not fearful to talk to anyone or approach anyone. I like to include everyone I see. I say my thoughts without hesitation and without filters. I am very honest with my thoughts and feelings as I have them. I am emotional. I cry at anything I see if it’s slightly sad. I would cry watching Bambi even know I know the mom dies. I’m also very ambitious, very outgoing, a risk taker, I see things out of the box, I love new experiences, I love people. I love making friendships and entertaining and showing someone a great time. I’m most often high energy. I also deal with generalized anxiety disorder but if you met me you would never know this unless I personally told you and I went through a deep depression at 24 that lasted 2 year which I treated and I’m glad to say is now 100% gone. I’ve come to terms with my anxiety and accept it and it has a very small presence in my life when it pops up here and there. A bit about my husband 41 male. He is what I refer to as the straight arrow. He shows a very limited range of emotions. He can show anger and then I would say he has a level emotion that just stays that way all the time. He does not express happiness. He does not express excitement or joy. He does not express hope. He does not express that he’s satisfied with his life. He is not high energy. He is not affectionate unless it’s geared towards sex or the possibility of sex. He also does not give praise or words of affirmation. He does not look at things with enthusiasm. He does not like travel or car trips. He does not like going out. He prefers being in the comfort of his home. He is scared to take risks. He complains about anything and everything. From his perspective, he claims he’s a realist but from my experience I would say he’s a pessimist. He prefers to be alone and his most ideal life is unlimited time of video gaming and anime. He likes peace and quiet. He need to be pushed to take any risk and he often shows me he’s fearful and has a long list of “what if’s” before he will even consider any risks. I often have to push him to commit to the risk we are about to undertake…and I know this doesn’t look great because I’ve felt I’ve had to force him to do some of the risks we have taken. Risks we’ve take over the past 15 years. Purchased our first home. Year 3. Purchased recreational property. Year 12. Purchased secondary real estate. Year 14. Started from scratch a business. Year 9. We have been very lucky. All the risks we have taken above have been beneficial and successful. We have yet to fail in a risk and I’ve been lucky that this hasn’t come down on me personally as someone who chose to take the risk, forced the risk on my spouse and caused us a great financial set back in life. The above preface is only to describe us. It’s not meant to come across as negative. To be honest we balance each other out well. I want to jump and do this and that and he wheels me back in and says hold on let’s think about what if, or this could happen.
   In a sense it’s a perfect fit. He’s also extremely loyal. He’s a good person. He helps others when in need and would be there for anyone if they asked. He has no bad habits (I don’t consider the video gaming bad at all – it’s what he enjoys and it’s his hobby along with anime) he has no drug problems. No lying problems. No wondering eye problems. No money problems. No secret addictions. He’s super healthy. He’s fit and in great shape. He’s extremely attentive and actually gets even better looking with age. He smells good. He has really nice teeth. We are just not connecting on a romantic mental level when we go out on dates. Or anytime we take together as personal time together.
   We have great sexual chemistry and have a healthy sex life. We would average 2-3 times a week with a handy or something else thrown in if sex is not in that days’ cards. Due to all our risks we’ve taken together, we both work full time and then some together on the business aspect. We bring great assets in terms of personality and skills to our careers and we work together in a business like relationship 6 days a week and we do this very well. We can end up working late days with each other together and not get home until 7pm or later. Due to the business being our baby we get very limited time off together (for the business to run well, it takes both of us). We rarely get date time. Or date time that has us both rested, fully emotionally present where we are both putting in strong efforts. But take out this scope of our business and what we’ve created together as of life. We are not connecting together as a couple. And we don’t talk about anything in terms of personal things. Events of where we are no longer aligning from my perspective:
   In the last six months, he’s commented that I love my animals too much and that it’s unhealthy. He’s brought me to tears and I’ve felt so disconnected from him as my spouse to say I have an unhealthy and over loving relationship with my own pets. I love them very much. They bring me a great sense of joy and happiness and he thinks this is bad. Who would of thought this would be considered a bad thing? On the last two dates (happening about 4 weeks apart)we have tried to have an outing in a public setting. He has personally “shhhhh” me to talk more quiet. Or to stop talking and to make my voice lower. He has also done this before in the past but it’s happening more consistently now as we are older and whenever we are in public together. I would be in a mid conversation describing how an event or person has made me feel, referenced a name or two, or spoken in a enthusiastic manner. I was not yelling or being overly Loud or aggressive. And he would take his hand and wave it down for me to not talk to be quiet and to stop what I’m talking about. Recently, the first time this happened it was during a week day in a brewery with no one around us at all. All the tables were empty except for one table approximately 20 meters away. Not one person was paying us any attention. The second time this has happen was this week on a very special date night that he planned. I was very excited for this night. I put in the effort to look my best. I anticipated we would get down and dirty that night when we were home together. I also had extremely high hopes that we would have great conversations and really re-connect on a deeper emotional level.
   But I got “shhhhhhsss” at the dinner table again. And the night didn’t make a come-back from it. I feel no mental connection what so ever. I do not appreciate being told to be quiet when I am not being rude, swearing or loud to the point that other people are getting upset. I also was not overly intoxicated.

2. Sounds like a case to deliver a bit of his own medicine. What is something you can publicly scold him for? I don’t suggest this to escalate the fight but to end it.

3. He’s controlling and abusive .. sorry that’s how I see it