TL:DR husband does absolutely nothing to try and speak to my love languages and it makes me feel invisible and disregarded.
So my (36f) emotions are pretty all over the place about what happened yesterday. So obviously it was valentines day. We’ve never celebrated valentines day at all. (I know what could I expect?) We’ve been having a lot of relationship problems lately, my husband (36m) and I agreed a few months ago that we would start working on our marriage. We’ve been together for 8 years now married and he’s never celebrated me. Never celebrated my birthdays or have even really taken me on dates. He provides well and encourages me to focus on my career and building my business up. He provides great money when it comes to that. He’s fantastic with moral support.
However, he absolutely sucks at gift-giving, celebrations, time spent, or any of my love languages.
When we discussed things I expected things to change because I asked specifically for these things and this is what I need to be able to feel loved by him.
Valentines day, I asked him early in the morning if he wanted me to go to work (I make my own schedule) or spend the day with him before he goes to work. Hoping that he would choose ME. He told me to go to work. So I said fine, left in a little huff and was upset.
A couple hours later he opened up communication called me, then after we got off the phone he texted me and said I sound made… and told him that I was upset. And instead of asking me whats wrong, he completely disregarded me and told me HIS problem. Which was something to do with a Co worker at his job. I was REALLY mad about that and just said “you think thats what im upset about? …but go off” meaning “whatever let’s discuss you once more even though I’m fuming mad at you, not just upset. I felt so irrelevant in that moment and had the entire day to stew just how irrelevant he made me feel throughout our entire marriage. Yesterday I just wanted some quality time spent with my hushand doing something romantic. Hell I would have been extremely happy with an all day sex marathon. But I just wanted that quality time and I didn’t get it at all.
When I got home, nothing had been done, he canceled going to work that night, nothing romantic ever even entered his mind, not even so much as a sweet note. I had asked him to do a few things, those were left and not done. It’s like he just sat around the house ALL day and did nothing.
So I was even more mad and felt even more upset with everything. I just went to bed and watched some TV and he kept coming in pestering me to talk when I was just trying to be left alone.
I finally ended up breaking and just let him have it (not yelling) but I laid it all out there and I’m sure his ego took a giant hit.
I told him I felt disrespected, disregarded, unloved, ignored, and even the stuff he promised he would work on months ago have been ignored.
I said you’ve never even celebrated ME. When it was his 30th birthday I threw him a GIANT party with a professional cake, dinner for 20 and made him the crowned king for the day, when I turned 30 I got absolutely nothing. I told them that everything We’ve ever done in our marriage was because I personally took initiative and I’m tired of it! I have to initiate sex, initiate doing ANYTHING. I said you’ve never done anything for me for valentines day, nothing. I have bought everything and have taken HIM out and have received nothing in return.
I am STILL mad. I’m not convinced he actually likes me. He says he loves me, but he does absolutely nothing ever and I feel like being married to me is just an ego boost for him.
And to be honest those are my love languages and they’re made to feel invalidated constantly. I’m fairly simple words of affirmation, quality time, and gift giving in that order.
No I’m not a gold digger but I do have standards and would settle for something well thought out and written. Just absolutely anything that shows forethought, attention to detail, and love.
How do I actually deal with this in a healthy way? I’m so tired if being disappointed and feeling disregarded
1 comment
I say healthy way you need to give him an ultimatum and retain self respect by doing so bc that’s rough if he’s never celebrated you or you need to weight your desire to be celebrated against the value he brings to your life financially and see which is more valuable to you. Getting into couple’s counseling is probably the best idea. I think if you want to make him feel more comfortable with it, you can let him pick the therapist, to possibly convince him more easily to do it with you.