I went to a show tonight. The whole night there were a couple of girls that caught my friend and mine’s attention. After the show one of them flagged my friend over and I came over as well.
The one that called us over and my friend started talking, so that left me and the other. She was very cute and I tried to carry a normal conversation with her but I’ll admit that I felt nervous. We agreed to go to another bar but before we left, one of the band members came over and started talking to the same girl I was and they hit it off. He’s a bass player and it turns out she’s learning that instrument as well. I get uncomfortable watching them talk and while they were swapping IGs I went outside.
They both came out shortly after and we started walking to another bar. During the walk me and the girl walked next to each other and chatted but I noticed that she was IG messaging someone and I knew it was the band dude.
We got to the other bar and me and her sat talking for a little while, but then the other dude showed up and she turned entirely to him and gave him her attention. I saw what was happening and decided the best course was to just leave instead of lowering myself.
So basically, that sucked. Physically I think it’s fair to say that I have more going for me but the simple fact is that the girl was interested in him and not me.
How do you deal with that situation without coming down on yourself? Gonna be honest and say it was a blow to my self-confidence.
38 comments
Go out and talk to another girl. It’s that simple. This situation was never about you in the first place, you were there to wingman your mate from the get-go.
You bailed. Should have just left at that point. Why did you even come back.
You’re feeling down about being turned down by a girl you basically don’t know at all? Did you fall madly in love with her in that short amount of time or something?
I wouldn’t take it personally, you’re letting a stranger you hardly know anything about affect your mood. Aside from finding her cute, was there really anything interesting about her?
I’m more attracted to a person when our energies match. Otherwise, why would I want to spend time with someone I find boring?
You don’t have to deal with something that didn’t involve you.
You described their story, you were just an extra.
Just step over it.
I understand the rejection part. Def sucks. But you just need to move past this and don’t let it be the reason for not trying again.
By being like [this guy](https://youtu.be/zrbL3QAio6I&t=3m16s).
Unfortunately it is what it is. We can’t click with everyone we meet and unfortunately you didn’t this time.
That’s no reflection on you at all, you put yourself out there and took a chance. There will be more.
Very understandable to feel that way, and it happens to us all unfortunately but that’s life. Something I have found useful when faced with adversity or rejection in the past is that you really can’t control other people’s emotions/thoughts, only your own.
“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
-Marcus Aurelius
You likely have little to gain from worrying about events that are beyond your control, all you can do is focus on yourself and your own reactions to the outside world.
Having said that, focus on the things you can control. Be someone people want to be around: confident, kind, playful, fun, empathetic, a good listener etc. A thought experiment my psychology professor once taught me was to imagine the absolute ‘ideal you’. What would he look like? What would he say in that situation? What would he be doing with his life? Now imagine ‘current you’. Is he living up to ‘ideal you’? Why/why not? How do these two entities compare? Now, the goal is to try to make the ‘ideal you’ and ‘current you’ as similar as possible.
Logically there are likely millions of women out there who would have chosen you over the bass player, you just happened to be in the wrong place wrong time I reckon.
It is what it is mate – she was interested in some other guy and that’s really that. Maybe your paths cross again, but they probably won’t. You did the right thing, just exit stage left. Don’t make a scene or anything, just slide out and go. Or find someone else to talk to, really. It’s a bar, there’s lots of people and that’s what happens.
I got rejected several times at bars. Eventually I just got hammered at the bars almost every other weekend by myself for a couple years. Nobody ever really conversed with me and nothing really became anything because of it. Would just walk home at bar close feeling lonely.
go out and get rejected 1000 more times.
Exposure therapy is the only way.
Move on and find someone else.
That’s actually not even a concern. You were not even rejected. Stop thinking. I mean I can understand that you might be comparing yourself to the band guy, which again I might be wrong to think. But this isn’t even worth thinking.
I think it’s perfectly fine that she liked this base player. Your move should have been to immediately recognize the situation as a waste of your time, energy, and effort with respect to her from that point on.
I’m not saying being rude, if she talks you can politely talk, but I would have shifted my attention else where. Probably started chatting up someone else who seemed interested.
People can like or dislike you, that is their right, but you should also exercise your freedom to pick and choose and you should always choose someone genuinely interested over someone who is not.
I’ve been in situations like that quite a few times. Get talking to someone nice, then there is someone they are just more interested in. They might think they are better looking, or they might just click more in terms of personality. Not much you can do about it, and I think you did the right thing by just leaving them to it. You may have had better luck if this other guy wasn’t in the equation, but he was, so you didn’t.
Dude, you just got unlucky this time.
Don’t undermine yourself for being in this shitty situation. It was just that, a shitty moment, and at least you know she’s not into you – some other girls can let the dude think he has chances for a long time.
Pat yourself in the back and get back there.
Cheers !
This happens and it sucks, but don’t let it ruin you. Chalk it up as a loss and move on to someone else. Sounds like you just didn’t click with her and the other guy did. If you had two women talking to you and you clicked with one but not the other, which one would you go with? The one you enjoy talking to or the one who talked to you first? I had this happen multiple times before, and just walked away and went to talk to another woman in the bar, no big loss.
Don’t take it personally.
She couldn’t have possibly rejected you. She doesn’t know you. You were a stranger.
Another stranger came along that had something more vital in common with her.
It wasn’t a statement about you or your worth.
Taylor Swift that shit and just shake it off.
I always would make up stories in my head about how I dodged a bullet and it was a good thing that I got rejected.
In this case, just imagine that those two hooked up that night and he got her pregnant with twins. The bass player does the right thing and sticks around, but it costs him his music and they both end up selling their bass guitars for the babies.
Four years down the road, they’re still living with his parents. He’s working a low wage gas station job and she’s helping his mom make scented candles shaped like dicks to sell on Etsy.
The kids are alright, but due to the influence in the house, the kids swear like truckers and picked up a pack a day smoking habit before they could walk.
It just goes downhill from there, but the important thing is it didn’t happen to you. Bullet dodged good buddy!
Ahhh, the old 5th wheel scenario, maybe things would have worked out differently if the Bass player hadn’t shown up, but he did, and she got her head turned.
Be happy that happened in the first 10 minutes of meeting her, not on your 2nd date or 5th wedding anniversary.
This happens all the time, not your fault at all, wasn’t meant to be. Take pride in that you took the courage to go over with your pal and get chatting to a stranger, a pretty one in a bar as well. Next time, it could work out differently, but I’m sure you have blown off a few birds in your time and never realised.
Chin up. Always another bar, always another girl.
Sometimes you just gotta take the loss. Just order another drink and take it back to your friends or if you’re up to it, another cute girl. There’s billions of women out there, you’re not gonna get lucky with all of them.
It’s just some chick in a bar. Who gives a fuck?
It’s not like it was a girl you actually knew or had real feelings for; she’s a stranger you’ll never see again.
Do not take it personal.. had nothing to do with you.. read the book “The Four Agreements “
You win some, you lose some. You knew the girl for a few hours and she went for the bassist of the band she went to see that night.
Get used to it, been rejected enough times it doesn’t faze me anymore.
Doesn’t sound like you got rejected though bro. Sounds like you just got passed up on. Not really a bad thing apart from being “strung along” until the band dude got there. You both kept each other some company, though being on her phone maybe she was already looking for some other company before he even got to the next bar!
You noticed they were vibing quickly, you noticed she was probably messaging him, you already knew how it would go but you stuck it out anyway. That’s not a bad thing but probably did lead to you feeling worse than you could have if you had told your friend you were going to leave soon because other girl wasn’t interested in you. I guess just remember to be present and aware, you could bring this up with the other person, ask if they knew each other or had met before or just make an observation that they were getting on well together.
It doesn’t mean anything negative about you, this thing happens. You don’t always connect with entirely anyone/everyone all the time, its decent to be able to see when you don’t connect so you don’t waste your energy wondering/hoping 🙂
How do I deal with it? I think of all the times it went better, all the times I did make a friend, all the times I did vibe with someone. All the things I do have going for me and those I do like to talk about. There is no way everything is going to come up in a quick meeting. You just be yourself and find ways to be yourself and let the other person be themselves, that’s all there is. Those two met and meshed together quick because the instrument thing was RIGHT THERE easy level to quick snap connect on.
You’ll find someone you vibe with, just keep being you 🙂 sometimes it is easier than others and sometimes it is easier to show yourself to others and sometimes it is easier to encourage others to show you themselves.
You talk about ypur physicality and say you have alot going for you. Can you expand on that?
At least you had the guts to try. Go out this weekend and try again — the more you succeed, the better your self confidence will get; the more you get rejected, the less it will hurt your ego.
Practice makes perfect.
– Understand that there are 4 billion women in the world.
– Of those 4 billion, there are good ones and there are bad ones but there is no ONE.
– Rejection is the default experience for most men most of the time in these “cold approach” scenarios.
– She’s not special. It’s just that at the moment, you do not have that many other options. That’s why it stings.
– Women are the sexual selectors. Today, you were not selected but that doesn’t matter. Why does it not matter? See points 1 and 2.
– if you are never being selected, you will need to evaluate why. Gym, wardrobe and build confidence/social skills will be the basic high points.
– You can always choose to have an internal locus of control vs and external locus of control. It’s “I hope I like her” not “I hope she likes me.”
Move one the fuck lol. Your young it suck yes hut that how it is. Shrug it off and move one go to the next.
Went to a show on my university campus early on freshman year. By chance I ran into a female acquaintance from high school who I knew but wasn’t really friends with. She was very popular, I wasn’t. She was visiting from her nearby university with someone at my campus that night just to go to the concert. We danced during the show. At one point she initiates a really heavy and handsy hookup. OK – I thought, I know this girl is no prude, let’s take this shot. I asked her to stay with me since my roommate is gone for the weekend, and I’d make sure she got home whenever she wanted to leave. She flat out told me to fuck off loudly in front of a lot of people. And I’ve ever seen her in the 25 years since.
Soon after I met the girl who’d become my wife who I still love deeply many years later.
TL,DR: Not every shot hits the mark. But the next one could be a game-winning goal. Keep shooting.
Don’t take it personally. It’s a crappy feeling to be traded for another person, period – worse yet if she led you on.
Shrug it off, realize the more you compare, the worse you’ll feel.
There’ll eventually be someone who’ll want your attention only, and when that day happens, remember how you felt in this situation and treat her better than you were.
Crappy feeling, crappy girl, learn what u can from it and move on.
You should probably cry a little and write about it on reddit while you soak in a bubble bath playing sad music.
Gentlemen, great advice in here. There is hope for us.
If you’re going to date women you need to be okay with the fact sometimes it won’t work our!
Be happy and comfortable with YOURSELF first.
Try to have a fun time with EVERYONE you meet.
In that situation I would have accepted she is into the bass player. You can’t compete with that. But you can be part of the group. You can still have a FUN TIME.
You can also, when the chance presents itself, talk to the bass player and get tips.frpm him about approaching women. Probably he will help you if you’re cool about it.
Don’t let rejection ruin your evening.
Say to yourself: NO BIG DEAL, smile and carry on being awesome
It’s not rejection! Be nicer to yourselves guys. You’re talking yourself into feeling worse than you need to by using language that is totally disproportionate to what you’re describing.