I have a coworker (33m) that has been bugging my husband and I at work for months now to hang out. We actually all hung out at a friend’s birthday party several months ago and had him over to our place for a dinner party. The problem is that he always keeps a gun on his person even as a guest in other people’s homes and both times he got pretty drunk. He actually fell down once and asked other people if they could hold onto his gun for him! This was like 5 months ago and ever since he has been begging me, my husband and other coworkers to hang out constantly. I keep using the “I’m taking 6 college classes and don’t have any spare time” excuse but I won’t be in college this summer. He literally asks my husband and I a few times a week at work if he can come over soon or if we can all go out together and says things like “we gotta hang out a lot during semester break.” I have 0 interest in hanging around someone so desperate and clingy especially after only seeing them outside of work twice. It is very off putting. Admittedly, neither of us nor our other coworkers have been direct with him and said no we don’t want to hang out with you. We have all just left it up in the air and respond with “maybe in the future” or something of the equivalent and hoped he would get the message after months of rejection that no one intends on making plans with him. How would you approach this situation? If you think I need to be direct with him what would you say?
3 comments
Sounds like the guy just wants to be your friend .. Maybe he doesn’t have anyone else ? However, if you truly don’t want nothing to do with him , tell him why . Let him know the gun makes you uncomfortable and that you guys have little free time …and usually spend it with family. No sense in hurting his feelings ..I completely understand, some people are just not compatible..
Spelling edit
1. Getting drunk and sloppily handling a gun is asking for trouble. Carrying around a gun on your hip is such a strange thing to me, it’s like the toxic-male equivalent of flashing around an expensive purse.
2. Alcohol and guns NEVER mix. Anyone who does so, especially to the extent you have described, is dangerous. I wouldn’t want to hang out w this dude because of that, and I would never go to a shooting range with this guy. I would never go shooting with this guy PERIOD. His behavior is an accident waiting to happen via accidental discharge of a firearm. Hopefully, you or someone you care about isn’t shot when that eventually happens. My friend was shot in her gut by a drunk dude playing with a gun, just like what you describe where he was like “I’m drunk tee hee here hold my gun BAM!,” and she almost died.
3. As far as what you should tell him or what you should do… if you really want to be friends w this person maybe suggest hanging out in a neutral space away from your home and his home (if possible without alcohol) or where guns are not allowed (like a concert or sporting event). “Oh you can’t bring your gun in here? Aw gee whiz that sucks… so you gona leave it at home or just not come?”. This is putting the onus on him and his open-carry “lifestyle”. It may make him less likely to want to hang out with you if you consistently go where he can’t bring and show off his ~~expensive purse~~ ~~manhood replacement~~ gun.
You’re not a jerk bc of this dude’s flagrant disregard for firearms safety and the discomfort he himself has generated with his behavior.
Once again if this guy offers to take you shooting, don’t go. He’s an accident walking and waiting to happen.
You don’t owe this person any type of relationship. It is not your duty in life to appease this coworker. Don’t let him bully you into being in an uncomfortable or unwanted “friendship”. Seems toxic AF.
Final note: I am a responsible gun owner who enjoys target and skeet shooting. I have this criticism because I have experienced these people and I run from them. Why do you want people to know you have a gun on you? Hypothetically: If I am intent on doing harm then the open-carry person is the first to go bc I know they are a threat. It’s fucking stupid and a red flag to me. This guy sounds like a red-flag man-baby with ZERO self-confidence and no ability for self-relflection or personal growth. Sounds fun. Not. If anything; I’d say you’ll end up apologizing for this guy more than you will enjoy his friendship.
I think it’s time to be direct. What about ‘Tom, don’t know if you realise but you’ve been a bit insistent about hanging out after work recently. To be honest, husband and I prefer to keep work and homelife seperate. We don’t have that much leisure time and we want to spend it just together or with family. We hope you won’t be offended, but we just can’t offer you the level of friendship you seem to be looking for. We like you as a co-worker but it’s kinda gotta stop there, ok? Sorry if that wasn’t your preference.’
The benefit about being really clear in this way is that you can refer back to that statement if he doesn’t back off. You can actually get quite frowny and terse if he continues to badger you. Start with ‘Hey Tom, we talked about this already. Not cool man’. and then just get on with your day.