Hey guys,
It’s been a tough week and I guess I am just looking for some insights from guys who have gone through this period of life before. I’m 25. I recently finished my Masters and I work two part-time jobs at a couple of start-ups. Part of me is thinking of using this experience to start my own business later this year – another part of me thinks I should still try and find a good full-time job at somewhere I like – but the search has been pretty tough. I still don’t know what I am good at or what I would enjoy – how am I supposed to know? I can’t just try every job there is for the next ten years. I’m worried I’ll make the wrong decision and live with regret.
Another issue is my relationship, I love my girlfriend more than anyone else on earth and we have been together for 5.5 years. However, sometimes I worry that we aren’t meant to be together for life because of different traits and possibly different long-term goals (she categorically does not want children or marriage – I do but only after I’m 40). I’m also scared I’ll have to choose between keeping her and being successful in my career/starting a business. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t over think it and just enjoy my time with her – whether it is one more year or five more years. Part of me things maybe if we end things sooner it will hurt less and it will be the right thing for me – and that I am a bad person for being in a relationship I don’t see myself in for the rest of my life.
TL;DR: Honestly, I’m terrified every day. I’m scared that if my relationship ends I won’t be happy again and lose someone I love dearly for good. I’m scared that if I stay in the relationship for too long it will be the wrong thing for both of us. I’m scared that I’m not going to be a success and disappoint myself. My biggest fear is feeling mediocre, unaccomplished, and unrecognized.
Do any of you have any advice for me? Does life get less terrifying or just worse?
12 comments
Only you know what’s is better for you. Some prefer starting their business while other prefer working full-time. Sit back and check your plan, which do you think is best for your goal then make a decision and set a time for achievement within a time frame so if it doesn’t work out you can bounce to your other options.
About your relationship, you can simply let her in on your plans and see her reaction and decision then move forward from there.
Make 100 kids.
Deep breath in, hold, 2, 3, 4 and release…
OK. Now that we’ve calmed down, listen:
I’ll keep this as brief as I can.
You’re a young dude, you have a masters, some income, a GF … celebrate your wins, my man!
This is normal shit. When you are 8, the future isn’t that scary because you’re going to be living with M&D (in most cases) and going to school for the next decade plus.
When you’re 18, you’re an expert child but a baby adult. At 24, you are the equivalent of a 6-year old adult. You’re, for all intents, out of school so you don’t understand the world around you. You’ve been this thing for 20 years and now you are free floating in space. It’s scary.
Here’s my advice. First, sit your GF down and say here’s all the things … about work, about us, about kids, about everything. I love you and I value your thoughts and opinions. Be mature. Be calm. Explain that you’re at a crossroads and just want to make a good decision for both of you.
Ask her what her fears are. What does she think about? Worry about?
That will give you a starting point.
Next, just a note or two:
Kids are scary hard to think about and raise. It’s good to wait so you can build up some life experiences to share with them AND people often change their opinions on having kids as they age. BUT kids are amazing, they will change you in so many great ways! You love your GF but nobody has ever, ever loved you like your child.
Also, owning a business is very freeing but it is a SHIT TON of work.
Last thing: there’s no reward without risk. If you aren’t willing to have your whole life collapse, you won’t get everything it has to offer. I’m in the middle of rebuilding my life from scratch and I’m twice your age. I wouldn’t want to experience the misery again, but for all the joys I had … I’d change nothing. Life is an adventure. Do your best and take the scars in stride!
You’re only 25 years old and that may feel old but somebody who’s 36 years old you’re going to grow and change a lot in the next 10 years. Just take the ride my friend you’re doing great! And always remember if you’re doing something you love you’ll never work a day in your life!
Remember that most people don’t know what they’re doing regardless of age. Get your priorities in order and go at it one day at a time.
Join the military
You want kids after you’re 40? You want to be 58-65 when they’re leaving the house? Think that through, bro. Also, if you’re planning on having your biological children with someone close to your age, that gets progressively more risky and difficult the further you get away from 30. (Well, the older you get period but it starts to really be a thing in your 30’s.)
As for the work part, do what you feel is real. You don’t have to lock into one job for the rest of your life. My old man had all kinds of jobs and went from one industry to the other if he got bored. He eventually started his own business when he was like 42 ffs. I worked in the trades and had a major career ending injury, and I’m basically starting over at 33 haha getting into a completely unrelated job next and it’s exciting as hell. But don’t over think it. Do what your gut tells you. I wish I would have listened to mine more.
As for the GF. If you’re both on different ends of the kids spectrum, just do yourself and her a favour and end it. It’s not fair to either of you to assume one of you will change your mind on something. I’m 100% childfree and would never even dream of being with a woman who wanted kids. Also, if you feel like she’s holding you back from chasing your dreams and succeeding, then also might be a sign to get out and do your thing. I got stuck in the career I didn’t want to be in because of my ex wife and hated it, resented the shit out of her by the end. Then I had my injury and she fucked off anyway lol.
Basically it sounds like your gut is telling you some things and I’d listen. I wish I listened to mine more.
Sounds like you suffer from anxiety or something tbh I’d definitely see a specialist
Anyway, definitely don’t just jump into starting a business with no solid plan and experience. Especially in this economy and given how much you overthink things. Start with gainful employment first and focus on developing your chosen set of skills. That way you can always make money and have a back up plan if the business idea doesn’t work out. Or maybe you’ll change your mind and decide you don’t actually NEED to start a business but the freedom of being self employed is enough. With those skills that you developed of course.
Relationship wise, she might change her mind, she might not. It will devastate you and throw you off and you seem to be very vulnerable right now. Understand that if it doesn’t work out with her, you will definitely find someone else. Just not right away and you shouldn’t rush it anyway.
Oh dear, I’ve been in pretty much your position. I met my soulmate (and she was pretty af) in my mid-20s but she adamantly did not want children and I kind of did and always hoped she’d come around and just kept sticking around because I loved her so fucking much. The relationship devolved into contempt and eventually divorce after nine years. My advice for you is to have a frank discussion about kids with your SO. If she doesn’t want them and you can’t live without them, move on. It’s only going to get more destructive to your life and psyche with time.
Man I’ll tell you this. If you think you aren’t compatible with a partner then break it off now. Those slight differences magnify over a long period of time. Breaking it off would also allow you to focus your energy on your career or whatever you want. Just my opinion.
Learn new languages, in the future a foreign language can be a very big plus, for your career growth and for you own personal experience as well