If not invited, don’t go
If not told something others in a group are telling each other, don’t ask
If they invite you late, then decline
I always felt like I don’t really have that much self-respect. I would have to be the one to approach people and ask what they’re doing, where are they going etc. Sometimes I feel like they don’t really like me, like I don’t offer much value to the dynamic but they just tolerate me as a tagalong: I don’t tell funny jokes, come up with fun things to do, not particularly good looking. If anything, I would consider to be that ‘weird guy’ who’s somewhat adjusted through masking (I have ASD)
I don’t want to stand the disrespect of people treating me like a parasite and constantly having to chase after them. It’s humiliating and emasculating. I’m completely fine on my own, but my problem is that it’s not something really acceptable by society’s standards.
I want to, just once, live for myself like nothing else matters. Walk with dignity through my autonomy.
Should I push all of that aside and do things as mentioned? I feel like it should be common sense. But when I tell it to my parents to explain why I’m distancing myself a bit from my ‘friend group’, they keep saying ‘it’s a depressing way to view the world’ and that I’m being antisocial
5 comments
Yeah it sucks to be the npc in a group. Saying no if you weren’t actively ‘thought about’ would feel good but you might have a lot less to do.
You should definitely try to make new friends that give you the attention you deserve. I personally think it’s more of a vibe thing, by that I mean you can tell if they genuinely care about you and that isn’t necessarily from whether you know every topic they talk about. Maybe it started when you happened to be in the bathroom or they have a common interest in it and didn’t mean to leave you out.
There are never going to be a set of defined rules and scenarios that can be applied the same to every situation.
Not all of your friends all of the time have you at the top of their priorities. You aren’t the main character all the time. Not accepting late invitations or showing up for them is going to lead to not being invited. If you don’t show up unless you’re one of the first invites you’re setting yourself on a pedestal. It’s not your friends’ responsibility to make you feel like you’re the best and if they don’t you ditch.
If you don’t like the vibe of your friend group. Seek out a new one. Join clubs and interest groups that you enjoy and you will make friends that enjoy the same things you do.
You mentioned ASD. There are groups, clubs and meetups geared toward people that a neurodivergent.
This does seem like a depressing way to view the world if it’s holding you back from building relationships. If it’s not holding you back, then I don’t see anything depressing about it. #3 is the only one that I think is likely to hold anyone back — what is “late”? Is this because of self-preservation (like the first 2) or is this because of of pride/ego? All that being said, I think situations can be nuanced.
For me: If I’m not invited, or not told something, I typically wouldn’t give it much attention.
But if I want to go somewhere, and I know I can be a source of fun for myself, then I’ll go lol (with them or by myself). Or if there’s something kind I want to do for someone, like getting dinner with them, and they haven’t invited me — I’ll just invite them and see if they want to. Same goes with being invited late to things. It’s not just saying no, for me it’s important to take initiative to have the experiences/relationships that I want to have — I can’t just expect them to fall in my lap. I won’t let my pride or ego get in the way of me having a good time. At the same time, I water the flowers that grow towards me — I’m not investing energy if I feel like a relationship is draining, unbalanced, or unfulfilling – I will look for something else.
Remember that we will act in ways that will affirm our beliefs as true. So if you change your beliefs, you will change your experiences.
To do this, throughly analyze and ruthlessly eliminate all the beliefs/thoughts you set forth in your post.
Ask: Why do I believe this? Do I want to believe this? What events or experiences did I have that led me to believe this? What feelings do I feel as a result? Do I want to feel that way? If not, how would I prefer to feel?
As you unpack your beliefs, you’ll find that your attitudes shift over time. Sometimes it is dramatic – literally shifting in a few minutes. Sometimes it takes weeks or months. But over time, you’ll find yourself acting in a way that leaves you feeling better about yourself. Maybe you’ll ditch your friends and make new ones. Maybe you’ll keep your friends but relate to them differently. Keep this up for a year or two, and you won’t recognize yourself.
One and two are good but if you wanna go why say no to an invite? Seems more petty than self respecting.