I’m 25F and I don’t think/know that I am a sexual person.
A little background about me, I’m straight and am sexually and romantically interested in men. My ‘body count’ is 4 people, and I only really had sex with 1 of them. The other 3 was just oral.
None of the sex that I have had was spectacular. I blame it on the fact that 3 of the men were college one night stands. I might not have been relaxed because I didn’t know them, but I knew I wanted to have sex.
The only man I’ve actually had sex with was a childhood friend I’ve known for a long time. I was 19 and I was an in tune with my body then as I am now. I was overweight and had irregular periods, I overthink about being pregnant, and truthfully I just probably wasn’t in the right mental & physical state to handle the responsibilities of sex. I was also still in college.
Now being 25, ‘post’ pandemic, and living on my own, I’m ready to finally have a sex life. I’m not a virgin but I feel like one. My sexual experiences are low and not that great so I feel as though I’m not that experienced and damn near a virgin. Since being 19, my period is regular, and I understand my body/vagina way more.
I’m ready to have more sex but I don’t think I’m a sexual person. I see women wearing lingerie, being submissive, being dogged out by men, etc while having sex. I don’t link shame, but I just know that’s just not my vibe. I’m a calm/nonchalant person and sex is sometimes so barbaric and vulnerable that I don’t know how comfortable I am with that.
Im also interested in dating more but I only want to date men within my collegiate alumni network. It’s easier for me that way. Im just wondering if there are any other non-chalant/late bloomers who have had similar experiences.
9 comments
Do you even masturbate?
Have you tried sexting?
You like older guys? Maybe need to just have a bit of fun? 🙂
Be safe….but try a random hookup…at a local bar or venue…be spontaneous. Find someone you can explore sex with and not commit to and so on…turn setting into sex
Don’t compare yourself to others who are posting about their bdsm and wild fantasies. Those things aren’t as common as the internet makes you believe.
I’m also 25F and was in the same boat as you. I thought I was asexual until I got into a loving relationship with a long term partner and they brought out my love for sex. Not saying you need a man to come and solve your problems, I just mean it really does depend on the partner.
I don’t mean to be pedantic here, but it sounds like you have anxiety around being vulnerable, likely due to low self-esteem. Just looking at the stuff you write here:
1. I was overweight. This is vague as anything can can describe anything from someone with a few extra pounds on them after a Christmas period, to morbidly obese. You seem to think that it is a blanket description when the truth is it isn’t, yet you lump it all in as a reason as to why you wouldn’t have experience back then.
2. You overthink about being pregnant – it’s a real possibility when you have sex, so this one is a good thing to be aware of. HOWEVER, you COULD be hit by a car crossing the road – just because YOU take precautions, look both ways, cross at the crossing and wait for the signal, doesn’t mean some idiot driver isn’t going to run a red light and knock you down. EVERYTHING in life involves SOME kind of risk – are you just never going to cross a road in your entire life JUST IN CASE you might some day get run down?
3. You LITERALLY say that sex seems so vulnerable and you equate vulnerable acts as “barbaric” (your literal words)
Perhaps right now, you shouldn’t be dating at all, and instead exploring your fear of vulnerability. Even the simple act of taking your clothes off (kind of necessary for sex) with someone makes you vulnerable to them – your body is exposed to their gaze, to their touch etc. It seems like you are intrigued by the IDEA of sex and that you appear to WANT to want sex, but your current attitude suggests that perhaps now you are wanting to want it, now is the time to look at why the necessary component of sex that is vulnerability is so off-putting to you. Have you perhaps been burned in the past by a partner or prospective partner who did something that upset you? Have you perhaps heard a few horror stories from your friends about their dating/sex lives (we all have them) and, due to your own inexperience, you’ve lived by proxy and empathized with them a little TOO much?
All this being said, I do think that you will be able to sort this out if you are willing to put in the work for one reason – you write that you did have sex with one man in the past, a childhood friend. This suggests that you might be what is known as “demisexual”, i.e. where you can only experience sexual arousal or interest where there is already an emotional connection (As a 36M I am the same – my wife of 10 years is only my second ever partner because I just couldn’t ever bring myself to have casual sex – no matter how objectively attractive the woman was when I was single there was 0 arousal, and not from lack of trying). What you should be doing is unpacking WHY you have such a fear of vulnerability and building on that confidence – it is actually quite a confident act to be vulnerable with another person; it says “I like myself enough to be able to show you everything I am. Enjoy it and appreciate it or I’m leaving”, and then look to take dating slowly. Get to know the men you are meeting and see if an attraction builds over time.
You are setting yourself up for failure if you only plan on dating within a sub-set of a population.
You are of course welcome to do so, but most men these days do not have a university degree anymore.
Not being into casual encounters are totally fine, so go on dates and build a connections to the guys.
Personally i find that sexuality is what you so with it, if you want to be more sexual talk about it, let it be a bit more de-mystified and explore yourself.
I may be similar to you in that I think the flattery and ego pandering is a terrible habit.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels like social media has raised everyone’s attention expectations. I simply don’t understand how people want/need that much attention.
I like sex, and I like doing a lot of different activities. The amount of *effort* it takes to attract new partners doesn’t seem to be worth the trade off.
I’m 24 and I’ve had sex with two people. I haven’t had very many positive sexual experiences. I’m still very inexperienced. I also don’t see myself as a sexual person. All my friends are so cute and sexual and I’m just a blob. No one would ever find me sexy. I hope I never have sex again