(29M) frustrated over her (25F) lack of focus / ‘sexiness’

We have been together for 3.5years and I feel like for the last 1.5 the quality of our sex life has been slowly sinking, especialy since we got a dog 6 months ago, to the point where I’m at a loss and asking here for advice.

Small background info: she studies and works multiple small-time jobs while I work from home in my own office. As such, we spend an IMO healthy amount of time of being together (both at home and outside) and being apart (by ourselves, with others, or just in different rooms). Communication and any other aspect in our shared lives is great and I feel shallow for admitting that an unsatisfying sex life is the only reason holding me back from proposing.

When it comes to intimacy background, I’ve personaly experienced a lot before this relationship, while she rather had an ‘awakening’ when we started dating as she originates from a close-minded country where female joy in bed and orgasms are a myth. Thus at the beginning she was obviously very shy, but in a “im shy but open-minded, interested and liking it” -way.

The shy-behavior remained but kind of took a weird turn. She still portrays herself very shy though it’s clear that she no longer is. Instead, she uses this image and behavior to lay down what’s on the table and what’s not. Wether or not she is down to be touched in certain areas or do certain things, if anything at all. This is the first problem I’m addressing, as with time, she has been using it more and more, to the point where pretty much nothing is on the table.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with a fairly vanilla life, but the limitations are not just positions or toys. It started with ‘having to shower first, no exception’ – which I was fully understanding of and started doing myself, although this took brought the first restrictions to _when_ and _where_. This quickly moved to _not outside (risky)_, then to _not in the kitchen (old ugly kitchen, we saving up for a new one)_. Finally to _not in the shower (bad lubrication)_ + _not on the couch (too cold)_. Sooo, yes, it’s been bed only for 1 year.

Its not just the repetitivity of being limited to bed, but also the increasing lack of anticipation. Knowing what’s coming, where, what we are going to do and how. I’ve tried so many times to both communicate and to turn her on elsewhere, to be dominant while not forcing, to tease, etc. But she always ends up using her shy-behavior and/or a change of topic or some excuses to delay, move or deny the act.

Topics and communication, this leads to my 2nd problem. I firmly believe communication is key and so does she so we have put a lot of effort to ensure time and laziness doesn’t cause us to start to lack off on the matter. I ensure that I take every single day at least half an hour to just listen to her when she comes back from work, for example, while we cook together, or just plain up sit and pet the dog if matters are more serious.

While this has been a crucial and beautiful routine, the amount of time she needs to talk and vent has also steady increasing and most of the time, it’s just her loosing the point and describing things way too detailed. Short or long story, the point is that these topics are in her mind at. All. Times. Including during the deed time.

When it comes to that time, I’ve always been a ‘giver’ and started / focused on her (or previous partners), as that’s what turns me on the most. This is obviously good and it helps her focus, but I’ve also noticed, _it’s mandatory_. Besides all the other 1000 factors that could be mood killing which I’m understanding for (clean environment, good mood, no time pressure, etc), even if everything is perfect and we have no problems, she will not focus on her own.

It was yesterday where I could no longer take it. I had gone through an array of out or the ordinary tasks, where she had been stating multiple times how great I was doing, how thankful she was, how sexy I was being doing X task, and how I had earned a massage that day. In the evening, we went through the usual routine of getting clean and ready and head to bed. This time though, I had been realy wanting to just let myself go and enjoy it…

Well, first, it was about locking the door away in the office, closing all doors, making sure it wouldnt disturb… Then, the urgent (not actually urgent at all) messages she needed to send to co-worker… 20 minutes of me just laying in bed waiting until finally she joined me and… “it’s so comfy I could fall asleep right away”. I told her we didn’t have to do anything and she could go to sleep right away, but she insisted in doing it. But also insisted in keeping up the talk about her tiredness. To which I voiced and made clear that the topic was a turn off. To which she tried to turn the topic into a bad joke, whilst continuing to talk about tiredness…. Well yes, 3 times total I insisted in quitting it, because it was clear that 95% of her focus was on talking and she was touching me like she was trying to do dough for bread.

I quickly lost the bit of erection I had had – something that has never happened before – but admittedly I had already been trying to put 300% of my focus to get this erection to begin with due to all the accumulated, boring, unsuspenseful acts and routines. I pretended that knowing that the dog was sad was distracting me too much, so I stood up to let him free, and the thought of any type of massage or deed was promptly out of the room.

Ive been thinking deeply and come to the realization that while there is hundreds of positive things I could say about her, she is just not _characteristically_ sexy. Sex has become like a task. I do things, I persuade her, I am patient, I put the effort, then we have sex. Even in the occasions where she wants to satisfy me with a HJ, it still feels like a task. She touches me, I finish, we move on.

I miss the anticipation. I miss most of all the enthusiasm. The purpose of it is to focus the mind to be able to satisfy the body, but not to satisfy the mind. There is no tease or fun involved. I also miss being spontaneous. Not the “hey we are both clean and the flat is clean, let’s go to the bedroom” -way but the “right here, right now, we dgaf about anything”-way (which has never been a thing but I wish it was).

Even at the peak, when she is moaning into the sheets in doggy and I see her beautiful body, I can’t help it but have to try and concentrate, as my mind drifts off. My mind goes on a loop. We _started_ because _I_ wanted it. But we are _doing_ a specific position, in a specific place, in a specific moment, because this is the only way _she_ can let herself go and enjoy it aswell. And when she has gotten what she needs, she goes back to giving me what I need based on her step-by-step guide.

Ultimatively, it is like she lacks the feeling to do things with me / my body instinctively. I don’t have a vagina but I can read fairly well if I’m doing good or bad. It might be instinct, it might be practice, it might be talent, call it whatever. But she lacks just that. She follows the tips I’ve given her on how to make the HJ better, but both her expression and hand movements are tense as if she was handling a kitchen utensil. In the rare occasion that her lips are involved, even the simplest of kisses on my body feel aimed, like she thought “let’s give a kiss on the neck in 5 seconds”. Which is I guess the 3rd big problem and reminds me I should be wrapping up this long wall of text, sorry for the long read.

TL;DR: GF lacks the feeling to do things instinctively, everything is rather like structured guides. Sex life is thus extremely restricted and feels like a task instead of fun.