This is going to be a bit long so I hope you all can bare with me, really looking for advice
So to start off I have only been in 1 official “relationship”, this was in high school and we went on a few dates, hooked up a few times it was super casual. I was leaving for school so I didn’t want anything serious because I knew I did not want to do a long distance relationship. It was also during the beginning of Covid and things ended poorly, she cheated with her ex and honestly I kind of understand it given how I was leaving soon and didn’t want anything serious. I was really upset at the time and it took me over a year to feel completely okay about myself again. I went to school and had chances with a couple girls but I just didn’t feel like I wanted to do anything that could end up like last time. Also at this point I was really only looking into a relationship for the purpose of sex, I felt a ton of pressure from friends and otherwise in high school to lose my virginity and as a result probably made some bad decisions. This is something I think I still deal with, like my worth is based on some sort of idea that I need to hook up with girls. I also watched a lot of porn in high school and started looking and porn online when I was 11 which I think contributed to that feeling as well. I still do sometimes but not as much as I used to or at least its a little more streaky, like I’ll go over a week without watching, but then watch 3 days in a row multiple times. Anyways, I met my best friend at school who is a girl, we have the exact same humor, view the world in the same way, and I can hang out with her for hours on end and we see each other almost every day. After over a year we ended up hooking up right before the end of the semester for about a week straight. We had a month break from school and I went home so I didn’t see her at all, we talked about like what was happening between us or planned to talk when I got back but we haven’t yet. The thing is I find myself really confused on what I want, or what I like. I want to have kids when I’m older, I want to get married, I would want a girlfriend etc. but at the same time the idea of all of that gives me a feeling like I’m sick to my stomach. Every time I go to a wedding I get the feeling as well, like I can’t stand the super “corny” stuff they say or do even though I know its completely normal expression of love. Stuff like slow dancing with someone or being really close like that just really doesn’t make me feel good or bubbly like a lot of other people I feel like. For this reason I feel like I just can’t date someone, because I know that the effort ill bring won’t be there, or that what I want in the relationship won’t meet their expectations or that it will eventually hurt their feelings that I don’t feel the same warmth about that stuff as they do. I still desire sex, and like sex but not the other stuff that typically comes along with it. I don’t know if I’m just aromantic or have some serious commitment issues. I feel like I’ve been misleading with this girl who is my best friend and I would be absolutely destroyed to lose her as a friend in my life, and would feel awful to say no I don’t want to date you when she is basically perfect in that sense, everything your would want in a long term relationship I just don’t know why I have such a problem with it. I also love to have alone time and need alone time in my life, I can entertain myself all day and need that sometimes, committing to something where I know I am obligated to put that effort forth everyday is hard, friendship is a spectrum and I think you get out of it what you put in and I like that I can control that in a way, a relationship feels like its all or nothing. I just don’t know what to tell her because I know I’m going to have to eventually soon, its just been eating at me. Thanks
​
TLDR: I don’t know what to tell my best friend (20F) about not being able to date after hooking up. I struggle with a lot of the things others would find warm and bubbly about a relationship. I really do love her and care about her but I can’t put the pieces together.