My boyfriend and I met a year ago, started dating about 6 months ago and I moved in with him 3 months ago. We are very happy, my family adores him and his family adores me and he’s the best boyfriend you could ask for. He is literally the man of my dreams in every way. He is handsome, tall, professional boxer, has the same culture, religion and plans for the future like me, same family values and treats me like a princess. I’m also his first girlfriend.
E (29m), M (28f), A (27f) and him are best friends since childhood, at least 15 years. E and M are a couple and living together and A is single. They often went on vacation together with each other’s familys and live on the same street. M and A also work together. I met them about 4-5 times and we celebrated New Years and my boyfriends birthday together. They weren’t rude to me, but never really included me in conversations or answered my questions with more than a one-word-answer, except for a few times when they were drunk. I really tried to bond with them, but thanks to me being bullied in school for a long time, I have trouble making friends and being in large groups. They are all very loud, quirky and outgoing, while I am also a little bit bubbly when I’m with my family or alone with my boyfriend, but rather introverted, shy and quiet in big groups of people I’m not close with.
Now the situation: My boyfriend and I went to a cute little restaurant on valentines day and I posted a picture of us there. After a few minutes I saw that M saw the post. I tend to overthink and asked him if he thought that M has some kind of problem with me, because the last time we met, she and A were especially cold to me. He said he doesn’t know, but he said that they really were cold to me and didn’t tried to include me in anything. He then said that A texted him a week prior to valentines day, a day after we celebrated his birthday.
He showed me the conversation and she basically said that she and M both have a weird feeling about me, that I would look at them like I’m pissed off with a “venomous look on my face” , that maybe I’m too young for him, they have a feeling that I’m using him and just pretend I have feelings for him and that every time I whisper something to him that it “looks like I’m giving him crap about something”. She complained how he spends too much time with me and they don’t see him as much anymore, that I’m “stealing him from them”. Also she said that maybe it’s too early to move in together and since I’m his first girlfriend he should be careful and shouldn’t be too naive with me because they have the feeling that I’m tricking him. She mentioned that he got more quiet since he’s with me and he looks “tense”. She said that M also wanted to talk to him about that in person. He defended me and the relationship in the whole conversation, but she didn’t seem to believe him and still tried pushing him more and more to “rethink the relationship”.
After I read this I was shocked, because this girls didn’t even tried to get to know me and already had a bad opinion on me and judged me. They also have no idea how me and my boyfriend treat each other, especially when we are alone. I moved 400 km away from my family, my friends, the town I grew up in and my college. I cook, clean and do the laundry. On his birthday I spent 8 hours making him a dragon ball z cake, because he loves dragon ball z and I wanted him to be happy. I always make personal gifts for him and watch his favorite shows with him. This relationship is the most healthy one I’ve ever been in and I feel safe with him.
The days after that I got into a really bad mental state and cried often, because I was very scared that he’s going to leave me because of it. He assured me his isn’t going to because he loves me very much, especially my big heart and how I always care so much about the people that I love and do everything for them. He said that they only met me a few times and don’t know me and judged way to quick.
One thing that’s bugging me about all of this is that A one time drunkenly confessed to me that she tried to make a move on him very often in the past, but he always rejected her. She said it was all a joke, but with her now trying to wreck our relationship I’m not sure anymore.
My boyfriend said that they need to accept that I’m going to be the woman on his side and that they will like me eventually someday, but it’s hard for me to be around them knowing that they talked so much shit behind my back without knowing anything about me or our relationship and making false claims out of nowhere. I don’t think I could ever trust them, but I don’t want my boyfriend to be conflicted because of this.
I would appreciate any suggestions about how I can behave in this situation.
12 comments
You’re not wrong. They are trying to get you out from under him, but there is a way to go about this. Which is to catch them, saying something cruel to you or doing some thing and you may not be able to do it all at once you stay the way you are but you start recording a little snippets when you’re around with them because eventually they will lose their cool and say some thing and he will begin to see who they are, and move more away from them. If you do anything else change who you are get overly needy, anything else you will be the problem. So stay true to who you are, they will eventually slip up.
This is why I’m not a big believer of people being friends with datable people, especially when they’re in a committed relationship. All kinds of boundaries get crossed
If you want this relationship to work, you will have to be polite and fake it until they accept you. Or don’t. What they think of you is irrelevant. What matters is how your boyfriend feels and he clearly chose you. Trust that.
His friends are probably right to worry about a situation that’s this intense and hurried. Moving in together after only three months of dating does by definition indicate that you and he aren’t taking your time to truly get to know each other before making financial commitments to one another (which is what cohabitation is). But you also have to ask yourself why he showed you these conversations. Figure out why he’d be trying to put a wedge between you and his friends. Often when this is case it’s because someone wants to put the brakes on a relationship that’s moving too fast but doesn’t have the nerve to do it themselves (so they orchestrate a situation where they can blame it on someone else, in this case these friends). So have a reasonable conversation about how he’s feeling. Offer to move out for a while so you can get back to a more normal progression in building the foundations of the relationship. Unfortunately when we fast track things like this we usually miss some of the components necessary to making a relationship work in the longterm. Good luck
the only thing your focus should be on is you and your SO. communicate with each other often and both of you should feel safe doing this.
If you hear them speak about you when your around them, let them know you understand why they are protective of him and that you feel protective of him as well. Let them them know you hope they can move past this and support their friend
so you all didn’t know each other well but you think they don’t like you, they think you don’t like them, and everyone is thinking other things that may not be right.
you can clear the air or you can keep focusing on your bf and showing his friends that you’re not the person they think you are.
I don’t think you should be pretending to be nice to them. They have already made you very stressed, trying to play nice would only burden you even further.
What does it mean you don’t want your boyfriend to be conflicted about it? You want him to be ok with their behaviour? Please have some self respect, not only should you be upset about it, but if they continue your bf should be increasingly upset about them as well.
She wants him and she’s purposefully trying to sabotage your relationship. That’s pretty obvious. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t see it and make it clear her jealous behavior is not acceptable. You sound like a thoughtful and caring girlfriend. Tell him your concerns and what was drunkenly disclosed to you. Beyond that, keep being the wonderful girlfriend you have described and hopefully he puts a stop to this if she continues.
You had the advantage when he shared that text with you. Consoling you the first time was really nice and loving but if you keep getting emotional, breaking down and crying it’s going to get old fast. You’re boyfriend will start thinking you’re to fragile to be honest with you about what they say. You really don’t want that to happen. Stay strong and don’t let them get inside your head. You have the home court advantage and he’ll likely always pick the woman he loves over annoying friends.
You moved in together after dating only 3 months?!?! And you moved 400 km away from your friends and family for this guy? You also do all of the house chores for him?
About your question, you should behave the same and not get in the middle of him and his friends. It’s his relationship and he needs to handle this on his own. If he doesn’t handle it how you would like it, then you have more information about how he is.
That said, I think you were very irresponsible to move 400 km away from all of your family and friends for someone you were dating 3 months, and now you are like a house slave or something. I know you think this is how you show him love blah blah blha… but why not show him how to be a partner? You should be doing 50/50 of chores. You doing everything is not sustainable in the long run. So you will work full time and do everything? You will work full time, have kids, take care of the kids, and also all of the chores? You are creating a lot of problems for yourself. All for someone you have only known 6 months.
While your moving in seems rushed to me it isn’t unheard of and to each their own. The age difference isnt crazy. As far as his two friends? My vote is they thought of themselves as their own 4some and A and your boyfriend should be a couple. It’s great they are all friends but people grow up and meet new people. They sound like mean girls to me and I would do my best to be polite but engage as little as possible. I think they would act like this to anyone he dated and it isnt personal.
They are mean girls. Looks like they always planned A being with your boyfriend. It would be a red flag to me if your boyfriend stayed friends who treated his girlfriend so badly.