We divorced 6 years ago, at the time we were unhappy but I was hanging in there for my daughter, her decision, she moved out to a rental. But 3 years ago during pandemic she moved in her bf’s apartment getting rid of all her furniture & appliences. Now she’s unhappy again and having fights with her bf who holds the landlond card to her face, although her income is 3-4 fold of his income and she pays all the bills as my daughter tells me. I don’t know the guy, never met him. My daughter overhears these fights between them and feels that she has no future in that house.
My daughter was on anti-depressants and she has a life changing university acceptance test in 3 months. I always tell her that I’m open to the idea of her living with me but it seems like she needs her mother to be around. Rather she stays with me somewhat weekly.
My daughter recently quitted anti-depresants and now has sleeping difficulty and last night when she was asleep, the bf woke her up (while my ex was asleep) to have a “talk” about house rules, how she needs to be quiet, how she needs to keep the house clean, how she needs to be organised/focused on the test ahead, etc. She called me today in utter sorrow not knowing what to do. This is a reoccuring scenario which happened 2 months ago. I have no beef against the guy playing daddy, as long as he doesn’t make my daughter’s life any harder by lecturing her at 3am.
Now to me I have some options:
Encounter the bf and threathen him to stay away from my daughter
Contact the ex wife’s brother, get him do the talk
Try to convince my daughter to relive with me
Contact xwife(least favorable option)
21 comments
Your daughter isn’t legally required to live there. She’s an adult technically.
So to me, this is her battle to have or avoid. I’d focus on talking to her, next in line would be ex wife. I don’t think you talking to the BF will have any positive outcome. You can’t control what happens in that home—HIS home.
I can appreciate that you want to help her but I think she needs to help herself a little here too.
Talk to your wife.
Have daughter move in with you
Get daughter back on her drugs and into therapy.
The most important thing is the health of welfare of your daughter get her out of there… if it’s possible and get her to live with you. He’s a jerk and will stay a jerk but right now the only important person is your daughter… as for your ex wife, she got into this herself let her get out of this herself.
If you ask me, have your daughter move in with you. Your ex is your ex, your daughter is your child.
I would not talk directly to the guy, talk to your daughter, make sure she knows she can stay with you, and have your daughter talk with her mum or you offer to talk with her.
The younger guy has found a sugar mumma…
Your daughter is an adult living in his house.
She had to follow his rules.
If she doesn’t like it. She can walk out and live on her own or with you.
His house. His rules. She has to live by them to live there.
Your daughter may be an adult at 18, but she is still your child. You need to take the reins here.
I’m willing to bet that her mom has guilt tripped her into staying. Saying she needs her there for support, she’d be so lonely without her, she can’t handle her bf without her there, etc. All of that, presuming it to be true, is so very wrong.
Take your daughter out to dinner (neutral ground). Very gently guide your conversation and make sure she knows you’re not judging her at all. But that you would very much like to have her live with you and there are no expectations of being a maid.
It’s very concerning that your ex wife’s boyfriend woke up your daughter at 3 am to tell her she basically needs to be a maid. It’s also concerning she has stopped taking her antidepressants. What brought that on? Was she forced to go off them?
Bottom line, your daughter needs much more support than what she’s receiving. She cannot be responsible for her mother and her mother’s living situation. Please help her.
Your daughter is 18 and she knows she has the option to live with you. I would encourage her to solve this problem herself- if she tells you she wants to continue living in the house, you can encourage her to be more assertive and go over what she might say to the boyfriend. Or, you can help her move into your house.
But she’s old enough now that you don’t need to go over her head and discuss the situation with the boyfriend. Especially if she’s been depressed, this will be a good opportunity for her to practice standing up for herself and boosting her self-esteem a little. Show her she has the power to improve bad things.
I would keep trying to talk her into moving in with you full time. If she is reluctant to leave mom, I would point out that mom might be more motivated to leave the bad situation herself if she knows her daughter doesn’t want to be there.
I don’t understand why your daughter won’t live with you. She is an adult – so there is no legal order.
Sometimes you may have to deal with her kicking and screaming of hers to get her in a healthy situation.
Talk to your daughter. ASk her what she and you can do to make your house feel welcoming, safe and fun for her to live in. She’s old enough to decide for herself where she wants to live.
You can talk to her about her current living situation, and use the contrast to make the option of living with you exciting for her. It shouldn’t be all that difficult since your ex’s bf wants your daughter to stay quiet, clean the house etc. You can also remind her that this could be a recurring occurrence. For all we know, there might be something else that comes up two years down the road.
Do what you can to get your daughter out of that house.
As for your ex, she made the decision to leave you. She made her bed. She’s not your responsibility anymore. There’s really no need to contact her. IF you really want, talk to your ex-brother-in-law. Give him the full picture. Any decisions and actions he takes from then onward would be his responsibility. You did your part.
Talk with him mano a mano. Inappropriate for him to be in her room let alone waking her up at 3am. There needs to be boundaries. Id stop that shit quick.
Option #1, encounter, will only make matters worse and increase drama for all.
Option #2 sounds like option #1 but having someone else start the drama for you.
Option #3 sounds like your best option possible, but it’s really up to your daughter.
Option #4, xwife, is questionable. It could end up being the second best after #3 but could also end up even worse than option #1 depending on how your xwife handles the communication from you and her response to her BF and his reaction.
UpdateMe!
You don’t do anything. She has a way out of this mess if she wants. You could call and invite her to dinner or to do something fun and relaxing when she’s over there. Maybe she’ll see that moving is the better idea. Or not… her choice and you going all controlling and angry is only going to make her NOT want to move in with you. And then the stepdad figure would have even more control over her. So definitely don’t do that. It IS ok to tell her your feelings and worries about this however. “Honey, I’m not trying to pull you away from mom, but I’m honestly concerned that a lack of sleep and extra chores over there is going to hurt your grade on this exam. I’d like to offer you a temporary respite at my house for the next few months. Zero rent, clean up after yourself in the kitchen and bathroom, do your own laundry but you won’t do any of the major household cleaning. I’ll be glad to cook enough dinner to share and I’ll buy groceries for you to cook for yourself also. I just want to help you get a good start in life, I love you”
>Encounter the bf and threathen him to stay away from my daughter
>Contact the ex wife’s brother, get him do the talk
>Try to convince my daughter to relive with me
>Contact xwife(least favorable option)
My dumbass would do all of them
Don’t you think maybe your daughter is in an abusive situation and that’s why she cannot manage to get out? She is a teenager, not an adult.
She also should not have quit antidepressants unless it was a decision made by her doctor.
You should just tell her that she is a very dangerous situation for her mental health and she is living with you. Period. I’m usually not into making decisions for others, but she is stuck in a toxic home because her mother is in an abusive relationship. I’m sorry, but she makes 3-4 times what he makes yet pays for everything, gets treated by crap, and this man is controlling your daughter. He could also be grooming her; like why is he coming into her bedroom when she is sleeping? And she also has trouble sleeping so it’s even worse.
>Encounter the bf and threathen him to stay away from my daughter
It’s his house. With what are you going to threaten him exactly? You are 50 years old, dude, and this is the best you can think?
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Contact the ex wife’s brother, get him do the talk
Talk to whom, again. She is living in this man’s house. You can ask him to talk to your ex-wife,
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Contact xwife(least favorable option)
She is in a toxic relationship and I doubt she is going to want advice from you. Don’t contact her.
No offense but your daughter knows she has another living option and won’t go there…it’s hard to feel bad when she’s choosing to live in the worse of two households. You need to keep your peace it sounds like your family is drama tbh. Sorry.
Have daughter move in with you and then have her visit mom on outings or on weekends, whatever she prefers. Just because she moves in with you doesn’t mean she needs to completely cut contact with mom.
All 4
You know who wakes people up at 3 am to give them lectures? People on meth. Does your wife’s boyfriend smoke meth?