This all happened today.
We’ve known each other for about a little over a month and a half (starting Jan 6), and waited 2 weeks to have sex using condoms.
This appointment was booked three weeks in advance and I held no secrets from him at all and thoroughly included him in the booking process even going so far as to share a screen shot of his official appointment time with him over text so he would have a copy of it.
In addition to him getting screened, I also checked myself in, despite knowing my records would come back all clean and good to go. As a woman, piss tests are very difficult and blood draws are always painful. But I still did it and was informed of the wait time for the results (around a week).
Booking so far out meant that he had ample time to let me know of any complaints or misgivings about even going. So, the days ticked by with nary a word nor complaint, except for the occasional reminder that it was “next weekend” or “be ready by 8:50 tomorrow morning.” Just general stuff like that.
And then, literally 6 hours left to go before the appointment time, he texts me in the middle of the night WHILE I WAS STILL ASLEEP, claiming that he was influenced by no one except his own “conscience” (whatever that’s supposed to mean):
> Hey sweetheart I hope you slept well. I am having cold feet about tomorrow. Not because I’m hiding anything. But because I know that I have nothing to worry about. Further more you didn’t stop me from going down on you multiple times, and I trusted you, so I’m going to need you to trust me if you won’t or can’t just think of it as if you just saved time and money on a pointless test that you don’t have to pay for and someone you don’t have to think about. I’m not trying to hurt you but if you can’t just trust me now when I say I know without question that you have nothing to worry about, then I’m not the one for you. Again I love you I’m not going in the morning so when you wake and read this feel free and go back to bed or try to text me and we can talk about it. Goodnight
I was shocked, hurt, confused and heartbroken. Why’d he wait so long to tell me these things? Why’d he cancel so close that it may result in a cancellation fee? Why is it suddenly so difficult for someone who claims to love and care about me not to be able to do this one simple thing?
So, I did it. I checked myself in the day previous despite the alleged “waste of time” because I wanted a clean slate and to have my own health record in writing.
So of course, once I had gotten up for the day, I sent him a single text:
>Let me know when you get up
He wouldn’t until about 1.5 hours after the appointment time had passed. I broke our usual formality of calling ahead to let him know I was coming over because he’d let me down harder than I could have ever imagined. I was past respecting his boundaries since he couldn’t even be bothered to respect our relationship or our health.
He said he was sorry and that he still cared about me. All I could say back was that if he was really sorry, he would reschedule. He refused and we broke up. I’ve already cried hard twice today and the only bright side so far is that at least he lives in a part of town I don’t really go to very often.
TL;DR I scheduled both of us (he is M44, I am F33) to get an STD screening so we could stop using condoms. I went to my appt. He didn’t. Our 1 month, 3 week relationship didn’t survive.
Edit: for those of you saying him telling me that he loves me is manipulation, we have been exchanging ‘I love yous’ about two and a half weeks into our relationship. I’m sure you’re all balking right now, but it was a mutual decision. We both have big and soft hearts and it is very easy for both of us to fall in love very quickly, apparently.
25 comments
You made the right decision, OP. Refusing to get tested is a hard no, even when you’re using condoms. Going bareback is a whole ‘nother level of exposure. I’d expect that kind of behavior if the guy was much younger and ignorant. At 44, i’d say chances are he’s got something.
Sounds like you did the right thing. I think how he handled this is a sign of how he’ll handle similar situations in the future, and you definitely don’t want to rely on someone like that. The “let’s get tested” dance is an early and important step that I’ve done many times, and either there was more going on than he let on or there actually wasn’t “nothing to worry about” 😬It’s manipulative to suggest that if you really loved him, you would trust him.
I’m sure it hurts plenty, and I’m sorry things ended for you. But on the bright side, you failed fast! Take some time for yourself and get on back out there.
OP, jsut saying that at 33 you’re too old to believe that someone who’s known you for a month can “love’ and “care” about you? They don’t know you, you don’t know them And that yes, unprotect oral sex can transmit STIs, but it’s a risk many are willing to take. But refusing a full panel on that basis seems bonkers to me, not a matter of trust, but of goodwill? Dude’s not good new to my mind and you dodged a bullet. *You can never know without question that you don’t pose an STI risk.” That’s just BS coming from a man way old enough to know better.
Dating almost 2 months is not real love, and at 33 and 44 this should be known you’re in the infatuation stage. You cant get to know someone that quickly. But that doesnt stop a break from hurting.
Edit( forgot about this story). When I was 27 I met a woman that was in a situation with the guy like this, he ended up having hiv. Told her he was clean, love bombed her, she slept with him multiple times, contracted it and he did it because he “liked her so much”, he knew that if she had the virus she’d be more apt to never leave because her dating pool would shrink. People are sick.
His reluctance to get tested to protect you both and for comfort of mind is very alarming. This sounds like a man that knows he has something, or feels he might. And yes people will lie about their status. I’m glad for you that you dodge a bullet there.
Claiming to love you in a month and a half is a red flag in itself. He’s a walking red flag and you’re making the right choice to walk away. My advice is to not get so emotionally invested in someone so quickly. He’s basically still a stranger at a month and a half – he shouldn’t be capable of breaking your heart.
I’m curious, what do you mean when you say as a woman piss tests and blood tests are hard? (Im a woman too).
Even if he said he was clean, there was no harm in taking the test. As such, his refusal to do so is way too suspicious to be ignored. You are hurting today but that will pass. Please don’t let any lingering doubt make you go back to him.
Sorry that you had to deal with this. You definitely made the decision with moving on; which will hurt for awhile…. Interesting because I thought getting tested or showing up to date results was par for the course; hesitancy would be a major red flag.
If you don’t care enough about someone to get tested, then you certainly don’t love them.
He’s a jerk. He knew not to cancel in advance or while you were awake because then you’d argue. So he basically sent you the heads up when it would be too late to do anything about it.
I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns and breaking up with him.
And I definitely think he’s either hiding something, or very worried he has something and just prefers not to know.
You don’t get cold feet when you know you have nothing to worry about, he’s for sure hiding something. He’s 44 and entirely too old to be dodging responsibility. Run fast.
Oh man you throw around that I love u word so easily
Also, wtf, is he some cry baby sissy afraid of needles? Lol
He seems like a huge idiot. Yall don’t love eachother and people who use that language so early on are usually just trying to make it happen way too hard.
He either has something to hide, or knows it’s highly likely he has something he’d rather hide.
No one likes getting STD tests, but I have never had a single partner baulk at getting one. Even when everyone knew they were going to get a clean bill of health, everyone went through the process so we could put our partners mind at ease.
>Why’d he wait so long to tell me these things? Why’d he cancel so close that it may result in a cancellation fee?
Because he is untrustworthy. Everything about his response is screaming manipulation. The fact that he waited until the **last** minute to raise any concerns (and at a point where it was impossible for you to respond or discuss them with him either at the time or before the appointment). The fact that he’s trying to shift blame/responsibility on you (“you didn’t stop me from going down on you…”) and is trying to dismiss this as “a pointless test”. The fact that he’s making this about trust and keeps reiterating “I trust you, you need to trust me, if you can’t trust me…” when he is refusing to back up his word with actions or evidence.
This isn’t about trust or love. This is about transparency, and he is refusing to be transparent.
You made the right choice for yourself. I’m sorry this guy wasn’t who you thought he was.
Getting tested isn’t that big of a deal. Literally all he’s doing is peeing in a cup. That’s it.
Omg this is so wrooooong!!!! Imagine ignoring your own health for someone who’s obviously gaslighting in the most pathetic way. I’m so supportive of you leaving him for that!!!
Naw that’s super sus. I’ve never had anyone get “cold feet” if they have nothing to hide. My current bf scheduled his STD screening for himself within two weeks of meeting me after I told him I would need an std test from him before we did the horizontal tango.He too said he was clean but was willing to do the test anyway and shared the negative results with me without me asking.
My guess is he probably had herpes.
This is not a vent sub, it’s an advice sub.
LOL.
He has something. Maybe herpes, maybe something else.
But dang, the audacity of it. LOL, waiting until the last minute to tell you that he cancels then try to gaslight you into agreeing to let his ‘crusty’ penis in you without a condom. Oh my.
Good that you guys break up.
Imagine being in your mid-forties and pulling this nonsense. You made the right decision. Don’t go back.
Yeah, asking to go condomless while refusing the exam is a HUGE red flag. You made the right decision.
Did the right thing OP, you deserve better than a coward 😤. Take care of yourself out there and stay vigilant
“There is little to no risk of getting or transmitting HIV from oral sex. However, other STDs and hepatitis can be transmitted during oral sex.”
That means he could have contracted an STD by giving you oral. Both of you are very immature for your age.
> for those of you saying him telling me that he loves me as manipulation, we have been exchanging I love use about 2 1/2 weeks into our relationship. I’m sure you’re all bulking right now, but it was a mutual decision. We both have big and soft hearts and it is very easy for both of us to fall in love very quickly apparently.
Oh yeah because this post definitely describes big and soft hearts and this was definitely loving. You’re a little too old for this naivety. You dodged a bullet, next time don’t rush into things and look for red flags and controlling behavior before you get too emotionally invested. Either he was hiding something that he was willing to give you or he’s a controlling enough that he wants you to prove to him you won’t stand up for yourself and set boundaries early on and you will let him take risks with you and your health. This is not how someone that loves and respects you treats you and you should expect better. If you’re open to therapy possibly talking to somebody that can help you understand how many red flags were missed and why could help.
Everyone should get tested. Like it’s not even a big deal and doesn’t really have anything to do with trust.
Getting tested should be part of your regular health screenings anyways. It’s good to know more about your own body.
Yeah, bye dude!!
If you had unprotected oral sex then get another full panel STD test 3 months later (or sooner if you get rashes, bad smelly discharge, or blisters)
You absolutely can get STDs from oral sex which is why I have my partners tested before I have any sex. Still a risk but less with routine testing.
I do find it strange you guys were saying I love you so so soon but to each their own.
Guy probably had multiple unprotected sex and was too scared to check OR he was hiding something.
Oh boy, you should never trust “just trust me”