I’m not sure where to post this so I’m starting here. I’m 41(f) dating a 41(m) for a little under a year. We both have two kids from our previous marriages. For context, I left my marriage bc I was unhappy. It was not his choice to leave his marriage. His ex left him for another man. She was the love of his life and it completely broke him. He’s told me he still loves her as a person but is not in love with her, that he’s in love with me. But some of his actions and words towards his ex would suggest otherwise. We are talking about building a life together, buying a house, integrating families etc. my question is to the men out there, I guess. Do you ever actually get over your first love? Am I doomed to live in her shadow forever? I hate the feeling of knowing I’m not his first choice, and while there is zero chance they would get back together, that he would be with her if he could. Even though he claims he’s over her (she did some pretty shitty things to him). I left my marriage bc I wasn’t in love and wanted more for myself, now I am in love, but the complicated dynamics make me question everything.
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I’m still with the love of my life so I can’t answer that. But you haven’t even dated for a year and he’s still getting over his tragic rejection. It sounds like you both are rushing things too much for his mind to get in the right place. I’d even wonder if you are simply the rebound? I’d keep dating to give him more time to establish where she is in his rear view mirror.
I think it is normal for people to have lingering feelings about past loves. But I also think you can develop a second more mature, love than the one who broke your heart. Lots of people live in that circumstance. But you need to have an honest conversation with him about whether he wants to live in the past, or whether he wants to live with you in the present of
This guys still living in a state of trauma and you’re his emotional support for now. Most likely once this guy comes to his senses his red flags are going to be going off galore about you. He’s going to realize his ex left him for another man cause she “wasn’t happy”. Then it’s going to click that he’s dating someone that discarded her marriage cause she “wasn’t happy” when that clicks for him it’s going to be hard for him to take you serious.
I was the victim in my divorce.
Mr. Perfection, after 25 years of marriage left me for a woman the same age as our oldest daughter and hopped on an airplane to a new country to start his new life.
Shit. It was 30 years and four kids I had done with him. How can I erase it? What he did to me was awful. Should I cry about it or move on? I did well and married a real human a few years later. BUT every now and then I think of that day flying the kites when the kids were young or holding hands as my daughter graduated. I never want him back! But instead of hate, I’ve forgiven. I love the man I’m with, but the memories are still there. I don’t feel love or want, but I can’t forget.
Any sense???
I’m not a man, but I’m hoping I can add something here. I believe that you can love different people, differently, at different times of your life.
When you married your first husband, you believed at the time he was the love of your life and you would love him forever. You were a different person then.
I believe he still loves her as the mother of his children. He loves her as his first wife, but she wasn’t his person. He loves the happy memories they shared and will always think of that fondly.
You are his choice now. He chose to be in a relationship with you and nothing that happened in his past should make you question his love for you now. Be the love of his life now. If certain things he does or says bothers you, speak to him about it openly and honestly. Don’t let the ghosts of the past cloud your present with your partner. Good luck to you!