Marriage

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1. healthy boundaries- Things I need to do to keep myself safe and happy. I.e. if my husband screams at me, I have to leave the situation. Boundaries need to be expressed in advance and re-enforced every time. I tell him in advance I will leave the situation if he yells at me and then I do it every single time. If I don’t follow through, then I am allowing him to treat me that way. If they forcefully cross my boundary (i.e. physically restrain me), then the conversation becomes about marital separation and an ultimatum is formed- if you do this, I will leave the marriage (but you actually have to mean it, otherwise its manipulation and a way to change their behavior). I told my mom if she starts talking about sex with my dad again, I will have to hang up. Or if my sister asks me to watch her dog with only an hour notice, unless it is an emergency, I will say no. You are letting them know how you will respond in advance, giving them the option to do it knowing the outcome.

   Unhealthy boundaries- basically anything that focuses on changing my partner’s behavior. A boundary isn’t telling my partner to stop screaming while I stay where I am, or that my mom can’t bring up sex with my dad, or that my sister can’t ask me for money. It’s my responsibility to leave, hang up, or say no because we can’t change people. We do not have control over what other people do. We can tell them we don’t like something, but it’s essentially up to them if they want to continue doing it or not and the ONLY thing we can control is ourselves. You don’t express a boundary to make them stop doing something, you express a boundary to inform them of what you will need to do in a volatile situation to keep yourself secure.

   Basically a boundary is only a boundary if it remains on your own body and personhood. We have boundaries to ensure our personal emotional and physical health. Otherwise, when it becomes about changing the actions of others, it is just manipulation. It’s confusing because obviously we shouldn’t just accept people treating us poorly or yelling at us to begin with, but it comes back around to control. If you express that it hurts you (expressing feelings is not a boundary) and they keep doing it, is it enough for you to leave the marriage? If not, you need to create a clear boundary.