Like I said in the title, I’m a virgin and I don’t want to have sex despite being a very horny person. And I don’t know if it’s anything to do with sexuality, or if I’m just subconsciously worried or something. mostly I feel like I’m just not ready and talking about it makes me uncomfortable, but at the same time I love thinking about it and fantasising . It’s weird. I don’t think I’m a-sexual or a-romantic but what else could really describe this? And has anyone else here ever felt the same?
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As you said it in your own post: “I’m not ready”. That’s it. You aren’t ready. Everyone has a different moment when they are ready to have sex. Fantasising doesn’t equal being ready. I was 18 when I was ready. A friend of mine only was ready when she was 22. It’s all personal, and it’s not weird at all.
First off, sounds like you just are not ready, which is perfectly fine. Take a deep breath and tell yourself there’s nothing wrong with you, this is perfectly normal. Sometime after that, when you’re feeling better and less anxious (minutes, hours, days, weeks, months even), you might want to think about asking yourself “Why am I not ready?”. This isn’t a question you ask to figure out “what’s wrong with you” or “How to fix this problem”, since it isn’t a problem per say, you may never be interested in sex and that’s ok. It’s to explore how you feel and identify if there are ways you could make yourself feel better about it.
Trying ANYTHING new is stressful, but having sex for the first time comes with a laundry list of other pressures and hang-ups. People are pressured about it from religious, social groups and norms, and biased impressions from media. It’s extremely common for people to be extremely worried about their “first time” being perfect, and the endless barrage of “What if I’m not good” or “What if it hurts” or “What if they it ruins things”. There’s often this false sense of finality that once you’ve had your first time that’s it, it’s gone forever and you’ll be irreparably changed. That there was life before you had sex, and life after, and that somehow this one act is the defining pivot point of your life.
The truth is life is much more mundane. You’re still the same person you were the day after you have sex. Yes, technically a “first” is gone, but you will have hundreds of other “firsts” to come. Things like a first time with a new partner, or the first time you or someone else find that thing that blows the other person’s mind, or the first time trying new kinks or positions.
The actual first time most people have sex is generally underwhelming, and understandably so. You’re more nervous, inexperienced, and generally less confident. You also just genuinely don’t really know yourself or your partner’s preferences yet. Often the best sex people have is when they are well into a committed relationship, and that goes for people with lots of experience and people with none.
Definitely don’t let anyone pressure you into having sex before you want to, including yourself. You absolutely shouldn’t feel the need to have a “just get it over with” mentality, or “I should do this because they want to”, but also don’t feel like you’re whole life experience is riding on the first time either if you DO decide to have sex. Even if it’s an absolute disaster, life will go on and you will be fine.
I’ll end with some of my experiences for you to take as an example. I didn’t date until I made it to college. I was (and am) a nerdy, out of shape guy who never had much confidence. When I finally started dating my first girlfriend, we took things relatively slow (for college students). The first time she gave me a blowjob I straight up forgot to keep breathing I was so nervous and started to pass out. Practically traumatized her, it was a disaster. The first three times we had sex I was so nervous I couldn’t finish. Now nearly 14 years later we are married, and I do still remember those times, but they are not really important. I remember the first time we finally figured out doggy and realized it was amazing for both of us far better, or the first time we did it in a somewhat “risky” location (her parent’s house). Our first time was meh, the ones we remember were not pre-defined arbitrary milestones but ones that just happened naturally.
girl you aren’t ready 🙁 I was like that when I was young.. I had a boyfriend and phewwwwwww I was horny. I only did oral cause I was comfortable with that.. I wouldn’t have sex cause I wasn’t ready. As I got older that feeling went away. Just takes time. Maybe buy some toys? That helped me a lot !
I actually just made a post on here about this.
It feels like i wrote this. This describes me perfectly.
For me, i’m honestly scared of the pain or of what to expect