Hi all, I’m looking for advice on a pressing issue that has been affecting my wife (36F) and me (34M). My wife currently works as an Interior Designer, a job she took primarily to secure a special visa to come to the US. She’s been in the career for almost a decade now. However, she’s grown to hate the job due to the constant cultural appropriation involved in interior design and the negative feedback she receives as a creative professional. Totally fair, and I would probably hate that too.
I’ve been suggesting she look for a job she just doesn’t hate, though doesn’t necessarily love, but she always finds reasons to dismiss potential options. For instance, I’m an Admin Assistant and I’ve expressed that, even if it’s pretty dull at times, I don’t hate anything I do. Her response was that wouldn’t want to have to, for example, write a thank-you note on someone’s behalf and have her boss not like how she worded it. So she just brushed the whole job aside for that one kinda lame example. And she does that for almost anything I suggest. But nevertheless I just suggested that she not care as much about everything she does for work being *perfect* or anything. She ignores that entirely, and then talks about how she wants to be her own boss and start her own business. But if she’s afraid of negative feedback I attempted to explain that this would mean responding to criticism from clients instead of bosses. She seems to just fully disregard that observation.
Now she is about to receive her Green Card, and she plans to quit her job and go back to school for Counseling. My concern now is that she will keep changing jobs and accumulating debt, and we will never find a lasting solution, all because she just hasn’t learned how to process negative feedback and keeps thinking the issue is with the job rather than how she feels about herself/her work.
TL;DR: I’m afraid my wife will keep changing careers and we’ll never be financially stable. It can definitely be the case that she hates her current job for legit reasons but it’s starting to sound like she’d just hate any job because of the unaddressed struggle with perfectionism or critical feedback.
I look forward to reading whatever thought or insight you have to offer!
3 comments
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take a different tact. Instead of telling her about how most people work a job that is good and enjoyable enough (which of course she’ll hear as “you should settle”), just have a direct talk about what she wants to be when she grows up, and what that would take.
It’s not a short chat, but will take her some time to be honest with you and herself. Has she done some research into what her “dream job” would be like, what the hurdles would be, what things people working in that field call out as the downsides? Has she done an informational interview with someone doing what she’s doing? Has she made a plan for financing her education?
Basically: have her really think it through instead of thinking “this sounds fun” and then going after it. Be supportive, but don’t offer that support to an impulse.
It sounds like she wants a job she can feel passionate about and this is the first career switch she’s considered. Many people would be unhappy as an admin, I doubt she’s looking for perfection, just something she can actually feel some interest in.
Her standards don’t seem too reasonable and you seem worried about job hopping for no particular reason, at least from what you provide above about her work history and character.
I’d talk to her more about what excites her and what worries her about counseling.
If finances are a concern, approach it through planning together so while she’s in school and building a new career it’s sustainable.
You’re undermining how she feels after 10 years of sticking in a job, it’s almost certain she’s not leaving it because it’s “not perfect”. Casual racism and micro aggressions can be extremely taxing.
ETA: counseling is one of those environments where 1. She’ll get used to supervision to become registered, 2. It is possible to become your own boss or work independently within a larger therapy practice or clinic.