EDIT: I did not expect this post to receive the amount of comments it did. I have spent a large chunk of my day reading through every single comment. It amazes and saddens me how many women have gone through similar experiences. Thank you for sharing your stories and helping each other avoid toxic people in our future relationships.
41 comments
EVERYthing I did was amazing. I had a guy get excited that my favorite animated movie was a movie he had only seen one time as a child. He didn’t even remember it! Yet he cited that as a reason I was a perfect match for him. Anything I did, even if it directly conflicted with one of his opinions, would turn into yet another reason I was perfect
When he invited me to come on his study abroad trip to Europe. I had only met him once in person.
Didn’t put 2 and 2 together until after a few months of dating. I had never heard of the term before, so I didn’t think there was anything wrong at the time. Literally 1 day after our first date, the guy asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes because I was definitely in an emotionally vulnerable state back then. I was pretty desperate to be in a relationship and went with the first guy who treated me like a human being after running into a string of emotionally unavailable guys.
Anyway, me and the guy dated for a few months and most of the time, I was his main focus. He called out and skipped work often to hang out with me all day, always told me how perfect I am and how he can’t believe I’m with someone like him (tell-tell sign). He avoided arguments/disagreements like the plague, he spent money on buying me things instead of paying bills sometimes, told my mom that he was planning on getting me pregnant which was very strange to me, told me he loved me a few days after meeting.
Looking back now, all of this sounds insane to just overlook but I was a firm believer in when you meet someone and you just know ‘they’re the one,’ everything is going to be perfect. No. It takes time to REALLY get to know someone. No matter how bad you feel like you’re ready to be in a serious relationship, start a family and all of that, always take your time with dating and understand that things like that can’t be rushed.
[removed]
I felt uncomfortable. Being showered with actual love shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable.
Didn’t figure it out until I told him I was leaving for real after 13 years of marriage. I agreed to one counseling session to appease him and the treacle that flowed out of his mouth – how great I am, how much he loves me, blah blah – was so fucking fake and inconsistent with his actions that I was physically repulsed. He was so kind when he was BEGGING me not to leave him and then SO cruel when he realized I wasn’t backing down. So cruel. Unreal.
The abuse cycle and trauma bonds are nooooo joke.
Edit: the number of upvotes on this is depressing 🙁 hope all y’all are on the road to healing ❤️
Honestly I didn’t know until a very long time after we broke up, when I read a comment on reddit defining love bombing.
One of my friends had expressed that she thought I was being love bombed waaayy before I figured it out…I guess I wasn’t ready to see it when she told me. Listen to your friends! Their perspective is invaluable.
[deleted]
Nope not at the time.
I was pretty starved emotionally as a child and when dating became a thing it was like I’d cracked the code to being loved. I was really cute and decent looking in my teens and early twenties so it made finding boys really easy. The problem was that I was so desperate for someone to show me they loved me that love bombing felt AMAZING. I was like WOW this is what it’s SUPPOSED to be like. When someone loves you, you’re SUPPOSED to be the center of their world. I was in awe of it and couldn’t get enough.
The first few times, the love bombing turned into future faking and eventually completely slowed to a grinding halt and then turned the other direction towards complete neglect/being cheated on. Those experiences completely destroyed my self worth for a while.
Then I had to put a guard up and really get to know someone before believing a thing they said. It took til I was about 25 to get there but I guess that’s a pretty normal age to feel like you’ve really matured.
It happened after every screaming session. My mom would just go off on me for the most random of reasons, very “wire hangers mommy dearest” then afterwards it was a complete 180. With lots of hugs and kisses and affection.
As an adult I could recognize it in men and steered very very clear.
People who love bomb seem like they are trying very hard, because that’s what they are doing “trying”. Love and affection is a natural thing not something to be forced.
[removed]
Dated an ex for 3 years starting when I was 20 and he was 24, he was incredibly abusive in every way except physically (though he threatened it a number of times). I can only remember this incident toward the end of the relationship, not sure what prompted it, but I came home to his house and there was a big bouquet of flowers and a cookie from my favorite place waiting for me. This, from a man who used to brag that a florist he used knew him by name because he went there so much for exes, but not once in 3 years did he ever buy me flowers or really ever went out of his way to do or buy anything nice for me. He came home and was suddenly being really sweet and asking if I liked the flowers, and “oh, did you see the cookie was from [place]?” At that point, I had already signed a lease to move the hell away from him and was just waiting for the keys, so I wasn’t falling for it anymore, but he was very disappointed that I didn’t immediately fawn all over him.
Because once I became dependent on it, it went away.
Any suggestion that we slow down or not make big future plans was met with sulking and the silent treatment.
First date and he kept talking about future plans with me and using “we”. I’ll take you to this place, we can do this thing etc. Dude, I don’t know if I even want to go on a second date yet!
If I disagreed with him on anything, he’d either act like I was so charming or change the subject. Usually when I disagree with others, they’d explain themselves, which is great cause I want to know more about them and how they think. This guy kept hiding himself.
I’m a very needy person. So, if someone’s giving me attention and I’m not slightly happy (or worse, I’m uncomfortable with it) it turns alert mode on in my brain.
In a week or two I’ll be dreading to talk to the person, and in three weeks I cringe to their name.
At the beginning it was constant compliments, telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. I didn’t even realize what was happening, and then after a year it all stopped. Then came the control and manipulation. When I tried to end it after 5 years, and him telling me how much marriage and kids sounded horrible, suddenly he wanted me to be the mother of his children and saying we should go look at rings. I almost fell for it, but I’m glad I stayed strong.
It was happening really early into the relationship. We hardly even knew each other yet he was expressing really big feelings. Too much too soon. Also, would pile it on when I wanted to do something he didn’t want me to do (ie. spend time with friends instead of him)
I am in a situation right now where I think the love bomb has finally exploded. Everything I do and say is wrong. I literally can’t get through a sentence without being interrupted by him.. he called me a bitch and wrestled with me and actually psychically hurt me…. he wouldn’t let me hug or kiss him….. then I brought up that I didn’t feel good and cried and he yelled at me for that saying I’m “manipulating him”
I left and am scared to go back and face him. The love bombing leads to nothing but misery and danger. I feel like a fool. What do I even say to him when I go to pack up my things and leave? Help someone
Received an I Love you within two days of our conversation.
I thought that maybe it’s hard for me to accept that I’m being loved that I was just sabotaging myself,so I kept discarding my gut feeling.
Ladies,our gut instinct is our gift,make sure to use it correctly!
When he began to project his insecurities and gaslight me. He’d say something like “I bought you all these nice things and you still want to go out with your ‘friends’?”
There were a lot of smaller instances leading up to this but one time I changed every single radio preset he had in his car just to see if he would actually get upset with me and finally stand up for himself. He apologized TO ME for having radio stations that didn’t like before that. Ooof.
I need time to warm up to people gradually. Love bombing makes me uncomfortable and pushes me away *immediately*. I just can immediately tell that it is unhealthy. I’m pretty good at discovering (and rejecting) unhealthy states of minds in generak I guess – I haven’t met anyone good enough at hiding their feelings/thoughts yet.
So, no one has gotten close to me. The one who got closest was probably the one I met one time very casually and fairly shortly at the beach. A few days later I told him I didn’t want to meet again, and he sent a picture of a gift bag trying to guilt me into giving him another chance probably, by expressing his disappointment because he had a gift for me. As if it was terrible of me to end things because he had a gift for me.
The first time? I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And then predictably, I got played.
After I’d been played, I realized it was love bombing. There will be no second time.
He stopped being loving when he got me. He quit giving me attention and barely spoke to me at all… …like a kid getting tired of a toy. I’m still angry about it.
He was telling me how much he loved me after a week of dating. Also no matter what I did, he would say “this is why I love you.” It just felt bizarre
Actions never matches their words
Basically : pretty words but no actions.
It felt fake and I knew it wouldn’t last. Felt empty
Had someone I was talking to for a while.
When I felt high whenever we talked and low whenever he would ignore me as punishment. Usually, for being too honest or not saying what he was wanting to hear.
He would shower me in love, affection, compliments, and make me feel really good. It became addictive to talk to him.
Haven’t had this from a romantic partner, but from multiple “best friends.” In the beginning, they make a point to highlight how all our commonalities make us “the same person.” How I just naturally “get” them. This then evolves to shaming me when I express a different opinion, have a different preference, or express individuality. “Getting” them turns into expecting me to anticipate their needs without communication. Then I’m stuck, shamed and accused, blamed and discarded. My new rule is anyone who finds my individuality threatening (why would you like THAT thing? Why don’t you like MY favorite thing?) off the bat I know this is not a safe person. Take me as I am, or not at all.
Unfortunately I didnt understand immediately, but basically I figured out that when I am about to go or gone I am the most perfect being on the planet , when I am with him : totally takes me for granted and makes no effort. His words were also absolutely inconsistent with his behavior… and of course he lied to me numerous times. I am SO happy to have opened my eyes now, I still hurt somehow but I am absolutely convinced leaving him was the right thing to do and I have dodged a massive bullet
Being overly “loved” and praised beyond what would be expected. Overly showered with praise to other people while you are present for things that are normal. If someone is over the top, it’s a red flag.
Also, pay attention to how they speak of their exes and how long their friendships are.
When his actions weren’t matching his words. In the beginning he was really affectionate, kept making elaborate plans for the future, gave me a lot of attention and made me feel like he was falling in love with me in a short period of time.
Two weeks later, he was just not the same. Kept telling me he wanted to meet me and still made plans for the future but there was no follow through. Initially I chalked it up to being busy/ work stress but after a while I realised that this inconsistent behaviour is not okay with me and broke things off.
Too strong, too much, too fast. You cannot love me when you do not even know me. Getting to know someone requires TIME. Some might argue you can never truly know someone in toll, but you sure as hell cannot know someone well in a few months.
It felt like when he was showering me with love that he was describing/experiencing a connection that I in no way was reciprocating. It felt “off” and rushed and although it felt like it was authentic to him, I know from previous relationship that emotions like he was describing can only develop so strongly with enough time. In the beginning I thought okay maybe he’s just clicking more than he usually does on dates, maybe the sex is better than he’s used to, maybe he just really loves the idea of me (guys in IT often glorify having a gf in IT, I’ve felt this from guys often).
A couple of weeks in I was really feeling it was too much, though I couldn’t tell if he was fooling me or himself. I end it, it was a little back and forth but it climaxed in an evening where he showed up at my apartment and refused to leave. I begged, pleaded, commanded, growled but nothing worked. He didn’t leave until I had a screaming crying fit locked in my bathroom, then came out like I was psychotic to push him out.
At this he turned nasty fast. It came totally out of left field for me as I have always managed to end my relationships amicably with mutual respect. He turned to messaging me that he hates me, that I’m deceiving, that I need psychological help, that he’s worried for my friends because I might hurt them (because of how I freaked out when he wouldn’t leave my house). A day or two later he’s sending me sweet messages again saying “he was just angry” and pretending like it’s nothing.
I have never been abused, I have never been in a toxic relationship, my exes are all wonderful people. This was a crazy experience for me. I realized what women are talking about when they are describing gaslighting and toxic communication with a partner and I was utterly shocked. I cut contact with the guy and when he messaged me 4 months later wanting to talk (after a 2 week fling…) I told him no.
[deleted]
I’m not sure if it’s lovebombing, exactly, but it’s definitely in the same family: oversharing. Telling me things that a really close friend would know after only a little amount of time. When I realized that it made me uncomfortable to know those things about a person (guy or girl) it became an immediate red flag and I always backed away before too much entanglement. And I was usually right.
This post came at the right moment in my life. Thank you, OP and commenters.
Things seriously felt too good to be true. I’d never had someone pursue me so aggressively and seem so genuine. Texting me all the time, calling to talk to me, coming to see me just because I asked no matter what time. OVER complimenting me. I told my friend that I felt like everything was fake and they kept reassuring me saying it’s okay to get used to being loved. So I tried to relax about it. I did feel great but from the very beginning of us talking I found discrepancies in a lot of what he told me.
It didn’t take long for him to forget the things he told me too. Accidentally telling me the truth about instances he previously lied about but forgot he lied about. I knew from the first lie I shoulda backed off but I didn’t. I looked his record up one day after he admitted being a felon to me and told me some crazy story as to why and I was just in awe. This man was a career criminal basically. Then more things started coming up and it just became a very big mess I can’t believe I allowed myself to be involved in. So he truly has fcked up men for me for real this time. I started talking to him to try to give relationships a chance again but I’m good. It honestly is less stressful to be alone and have occasional friends. I can’t do the games anymore in life.
He mirrored everything. I realised later on that it was impossible for someone to be so similar to me. Not even my sibling shared my opinions / likes that much.
Also, that feeling of dread / nerves that I mistook for butterflies. I didn’t know then that it was my gut telling me to run, now. (I did run, but towards him. I was a fu—ing idiot, but I learned my lesson now 😹)