I (32, M) don’t know what the future holds with my partner (30, F)

TL;DR: Late last year, my partner confronted me that she needed to know what our future was with regards to marriage and children. We have been together three years. She has a condition and has been suffering with it worse and worse through our entire relationship, and is now concerned about her fertility declining at an accelerated rate (not uncommon with her condition).My essential issue is: I don’t think I want marriage or children for a decent time. At the time of the conversation, I said we would aim for a year from this conversation to move forward but time hasn’t remedied things as I hoped it would

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I have had someone of a stunted development in that I went to University later in life and have only just really entered my career, something that excites me and rewards me for my commitment towards it. The thing that makes me happy on a day to day is the idea of progressing in that field, making more money, getting more responsibilities (the current job I’m in is a bit of a stepping stone, I will be looking to move on and move location within the year I anticipate) etc. My partner on the other hand has had the same job for many years, she is very good at it and is rewarded financially but pretty much strongly dislikes it on the day-to-day and I don’t think she has much aspiration to move into another field because she wants to have children and become a full time mum, at least for a time.

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Our relationship has been up and down. Because of her condition and other life circumstances; she has lost a lot of things we once had at the start. She has put on a large amount of weight and gave up her hobby of running, because her job now allows her to work from home she stays put in the house most of the time and she has gone from having an active social life to having very few friends that she sees with any kind of regularity (she cut ties with a lot of them in the last two years because they haven’t supported her through her condition). She sees a counsellor every other week who insists she does not have depression but as a layman for some time that would have been my assumption. She can be quite critical and will never admit when she is wrong (to take some of the blame here, I am a day dreamer and can be absent minded with tasks so she is often right though I am trying).

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I on the other hand am a social butterfly and greatly look forward to going away on the weekends to see friends and their partners. I go to the gym very regularly, I have taken on many activities to try and better myself recently like learning a language, meditating etc.

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Also because of her condition we no longer have any physical intimacy: we have had sex twice in the last six months and they were both quite awkward affairs. She does not like being touched in a casual setting like she used to, she says I am clumsy and worries about me hurting her or touching her in a place she is sensitive(something I should take some onus for, I am clumsy). I still have a high libido and find myself frequently fantasising about other women.

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It is not a loveless relationship by any standard however. We kiss every day and hug, we tell each other we love each other, we spend time together after work and I call her on most of my lunch breaks. I actually find it quite difficult when I am on my own on the rare occasions she has to go away for work for a day or two, I struggled a lot with depression and anxiety in my mid-20’s and could fall into destructive habits again if I don’t keep myself in check. She is also a very kind hearted person who will try and support me in endeavours, if I’m feeling low for whatever reason etc.

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Now you might be thinking: You’ve really stacked the deck in one way here OP, it’s clear what you want. But I honestly don’t know. I have been an interminable commitmentaphobe for my entire adult life, and have no way of knowing if these could be temporary things that are fixed with hard work? Do I want to break up or am I scared of getting married? Do I not want kids right now or am I just scared of having one? Is 31 starting to get a bit old to start afresh (If I read this from another person I would scoff, but it’s amazing how it can feel that way when all your friends are getting engaged and pregnant)? We also live together and share pets, how on earth would breaking up work logistically (though sadly I would give her the pets)?