I’ve been with my partner a little over a year. In most ways we are amazing together and honestly, I am the happiest I have every been with anybody.
Every part of our sex life is also exceptional.
My problem is this: before we got together properly he told me all about his past including sexual experiences. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m far from being an angel and in many ways am probably a lot more experienced than him , especially in ways of kink and adventure. He has however had many more sexual partners than me . He did tell me that him and his ex used to swing as well have a regular 3some . Eventually, when they split he went with the third party and lived with her for a few years.
I explained to him at the time that the scene has never really interested me. I’m not into women anyway what’s so ever either. I also explained that I felt if we were together, having had that sort of life previously, he may become bored with me and my strictly 1on 1 attitude. He assured me he wouldn’t and that he has been there and done that and isn’t interested in pursuing it again , and he would be very happy being strictly 1on 1 with me.
Well here we are , just over 12 months later and he wants to rejoin that scene, and although he isn’t insisting I join with him, when I voice any concerns he calls me negative, shallow minded, says I just don’t understand, it’s only sex no emotion and many other things.
I have a few massive concerns with this.
1- the obvious, he will repeat his past and go with another person ,
2- that this will further evolve and he will start seeing people by himself instead of as a couple – which in my eyes is an affair
3 – when we were discussing this I asked that there be no kissing other people ( I think we need something just for us if we are to remain solid ) he refuses this request saying he needs to kiss as part of sex,
I’m so confused , I have quite a low self esteem as it is , with massive self hate for my fat body, due to a past relationship.
I feel such a fool , as this isn’t the only thing he has back tracked on. However like I said, on a daily basis we have a fantastic relationship and really do have amazing sex. Also, our kissing is second to none so this is why I would like to keep that as ours.
I feel if I saw him kissing someone else, I could never kiss him again . Which , would then snowball, leading to an eventual break up. ( And I really don’t know how I’m going to react with the sex part , I’m not sure if my jealousy and insecurity can handle it ) – and yes, I have tried to tell him this , but as I said , he cuts me off and labels me negative and naive … What should I do ? I am in my late 40’s and never been in a situation like this, I’m usually very open and explorative in all aspects of sex.
8 comments
You said no originally and you should stick to your guns. He originally accepted and now he’s recanting, so I think you should ask him directly if he’s desire to sleep with someone else is more important than being with you.
Personally, I wouldn’t put up with that sort of behaviour. It’s not so much that he appears to have changed his mind, although it’s more likely he simply lied to you at the time because it suited his agenda. It’s more that he is clearly being abusive now because he can’t have his way. The likelihood is that he merely wants to use you as a passport to the swinging scene because he wouldn’t be accepted as a single male. You’ve said no and he’s being petulant and abusive about it. He’s only nice to you outside of that as a way to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Consider that he has been in two long-term relationships that broke up. Ask yourself why. It’s a pity you couldn’t speak to his ex-partners, they might have interesting stories to tell. I’ll bet he’s not willing to ask them for references.
He did say ” Fine, if you don’t want to we won’t. You’re just so negative when you haven’t even given it a go ” But the tone he used didn’t suggest it was fine and he was very short with me for the next few days, turning his back on me in bed and either pretending to sleep or on his phone watching porn.
Swingers survive all the time…. But it doesn’t sound like it’s for you. At all. So it’s not something I’d explore if I were in your shoes. But you should also be aware this relationship might not be for you. Parts of it sound good, but parts of it also sound pretty incompatible to what you need.
This doesn’t sound like a question of being “sexually explorative” for you. This is about monogamy vs polyamory. I think you know where you draw the line. It definitely sounds like you would not accept a third person in the relationship. If this is truly your line when it comes to a committed relationship, you need to make that clear with him. He can call you shallow, but that doesn’t change the fact that it isn’t what you want. This isn’t something you can just compromise on. Unfortunately, if it also isn’t something he can compromise on, that may be the end of the relationship. But thats still far better than you tagging along and suffering from jealousy and inferiority. A relationship should be a safe place. Jealousy ain’t it.
Like I mentioned, I’m no angel and have at least tried many things,. I love a bit of kink, role playing, b&d , a bit of outdoors stuff all kinds of things . Many years ago I did try a threesome a couple of times but it honestly did nothing for me. Luckily, at the time I had a wonderfully understanding partner ( who passed on ) who basically said ” oh well honey, we’ve given it a go, now let’s get back to us ”
I have considered giving it a go , but I really don’t think he can go without the kissing. I just really want one thing special left between just us , just to, I guess separate us and them …. And I really don’t mean that in a nasty way.
Here’s the reality: Your man may have many qualities that manifest in the bedroom, but he’s not suitable for anything more than casual sexual relationships. He wants a free pass to use other people for sex while using you for emotional (and possibly household) labor. He’s shown a willingness to be abusive and manipulative toward this end. Your concerns are not only valid they are probably accurate predictions, and your boundaries are being ignored. His approach to nonmonogamy is entirely self-serving and lacks the ethical and other foundational requirements needed for success as a couple.
You deserve better than someone who sees you as a meal ticket and a launchpad for their own adventures.
Wow, this is kinda spooky, OP and I must be living in a parallel universe … I’m watching the comments with much interest…