the last few months I have been really struggling with women, worse than I ever have before. I’m (21M) year old male and have been on lots of dates so far. Not all the best but I just feel like lately it’s been so much worse. on valentine’s day a girl left the movie theater and said she was going to the bathroom but she just went home. I really don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i think it’s maybe a positive feedback loop of doing bad and then feeling like i’m not attractive or not skilled at convos enough and then that is reflected in my actions somehow
like today I was talking with a friend of a friend that I just met while the other two friends were hitting a bong and he said I shouldn’t do acid because he can read people and for me it would be “too intense” “you have to be okay with yourself before you can do it” and I only talked to him for like 5 minutes prior and he could tell I have low self esteem? how? what am i doing that’s screaming that? all we did was talk about what it’s like for him going to school in LA and if it’s like the movies.
I just feel like I don’t even know who I am; when they say be yourself on dates what level of yourself? yourself with your best friend? girls will walk out on me if i do that.
also side note, when you make eye contact with a girl in public, maybe in a bar or walking down the street, do you smile right away or wait until they smile first and maintain eye contact until then?
TLDR: I have low self esteem and doing terrible at dating recently
3 comments
>on valentine’s day a girl left the movie theater and said she was going to the bathroom but she just went home
Ouch.
I have no advice but plenty of sympathy.
That last bit. Don’t fix your eyes on a woman you find attractive and if she does catch you staring you better give a sheepish smile like you’re embarrassed and look away. Don’t just keep staring until she smiles then smile back that’s creepy as fuck and I’m a man. If she likes you and manage to actually give a convincing embarrassed you were caught staring performance she might smile a little but don’t wait for it and if she stares at you after catching you that’s her assessing if she needs to be concerned about you. With strangers, facial interaction will likely get you no where you’re better off trying to start conversation and seeing if she’s eager to participate or if she’s not encouraging you to continue.
I think a big piece of what you’re hitting on is, “I just feel like I don’t even know who I am”. Find out more about yourself, get comfortable being alone.
I know you said you’re going through an existential crisis and that’s normal for some 21 year olds. Are you in college? Graduated?
It does sound painful a girl just left during a movie when she said she was using the bathroom, but that piece does say a lot.
In terms of this notion, “just be yourself”, there’s varying levels of being yourself when you’re first getting to know someone. I remember everyone’s on their, like, “best behavior” when dating. Do you ask questions? Do you have hobbies? Do you like to travel? Explore? Ski? Bike ride? I think continuing to find out more about what you like to do is important. Additionally, do you appreciate a type of philosophy in life? Do you have terms that you like to live by?
I understand wanting a companion, but it is essential you know who you are before you enter a relationship.
Some of my thoughts. All my best to you!