So my boyfriend (21 M) and I (21 F) have been dating for almost 8 months and we have been sexually active since we first met. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with so I’m still learning what I like and don’t like, I had a basic idea of what I thought I would enjoy because of things I’ve read, watched, and looked up and one of those things is aftercare. The only thing about it is it’s mainly done with BDSM which is not the type of relationship that we have. I’m not sure if aftercare is something you normally would do after sex or if it’s just thing you do after scenes but it’s something I would like to do. After we have sex we get cleaned up and then he puts his clothes back on, gets back in bed while waiting for me, and then he gets on TikTok while I do my own thing laying next to him. But I want to not do that, I want to cuddle naked with him while he plays with my hair or take a shower or bath together, words of affirmation are my love language and I would love it if he would say things like ‘you did a good job, I’m so proud of you’ ect. I know I should just tell him how I’m feeling I just don’t know how.
Update: I forgot to mention a few things, we get cleaned up right after because I’m very VERY prone to getting infections and the longer I wait the more likely it will be that I’ll get an infection. He usually just puts his shorts on after and I think that’s because my apartment gets cold (thank you central unit). The part about praise is because a. Words of affirmation are huge for me, and b. I do have a praise kink which he is aware of and he definitely loves it. He has taken care of me after especially when he has overstimulated me (I have sensory issues and I can get extremely sensitive). Thank you all for clearing somethings up for me and for telling me to just talk to him. I have trauma from past friendships surprisingly about asking for what I want and need because they would tell me ‘I was being too much’ or ‘we always do what you want to (because no one else was responding)’ I’m working through that thanks to therapy. All in all he is a really good guy and I think this is just what he’s done before with other people but I’m just gonna tell him what I’d like for us to do and ask for his suggestions. Thank you!
34 comments
>Also is aftercare just for BDSM?
No, no it is not.
Aftercare isn’t one specific thing or set of things and definitely isn’t just BDSM. Hugging up for a bit after sex isn’t odd or new, and doesn’t need to be a big request. Heck, the aftercare can be going to the living room, opening up the pizza and chilling together watching a film.
It doesn’t have to be everytime either. Sometimes it’s “hey sex! But yeah, I was halfway through making dinner so should probably finish that etc…”
It’s just intimacy. You want post-sex intimacy and it’s fine to say “hey, can we just lie here for a while together” or similar.
Initiate that onto him? Ask him to do it directly starting with “After sex I want too….” Even just a casual “come here” works for me
Have a conversation. Sex is a vulnerable activity and, unfortunately, many people are more comfortable being vulnerable in the act than in the conversations. Good luck!
This doesn’t sound like a bdsm thing at all. You just want to experience some tender loving moments.
I had a casual relationship in college with this guy and his thing was we take a shower everytime after we have sex. We’d shower together and it was fun, and made sex better because there was more of a friendly connection. I never dated the guy, he was never my boyfriend, but we’d always do this.
I don’t think it’s alot or weird for you to ask for something similar, whatever it is you have in mind. It helps build connection and fun memories.
I hadn’t thought to call after sex naked cuddle time ‘aftercare’ per-say but it is an important part of the whole process. I enjoy after sex naked cuddle time immensely, it isn’t weird to want that. Talk to your partner about what you need, there is nothing wrong or weird with asking for this. It is probably weirder to just put clothes back on and go back to tik tok. Sex is suppose to increase intimacy between partners, that is part of its beauty. Good luck OP!
I’m going to give you some advice I didn’t learn until I was in my 30s.
Ask for whatever you want. *** If you don’t feel good during and after sex, do not have sex with that person. ***
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want, and if having some aftercare is necessary for you to feel good after sex, then it’s fair to say that and want that. You and your enjoyment and comfort is as important as your partners.
It’s perfectly normal to have a post sex cuddle (or whatever you need). I wouldn’t even have considered it aftercare. It’s just ‘the thing you do’.
“Get odd that phone! I require cuddles STAT.”
You can ask for whatever you want and you absolutely should. But cuddling naked, playing with your hair, that’s all very typical. Unless there’s a reason we need to go somewhere or something, laying in bed together naked and having after sex fun together is as good as having sex. You certainly aren’t asking for anything extreme.
I think it’s normal to want to cuddle and chat for at least a while after sex. As a man I feel really open and vulnerable after having sex and I like to chat. It would be weird for me (and make me think something was really wrong) if a partner wanted to immediately watch tiktok or tv or something right after sex.
As far as getting cleaned up and putting on clothes, I have never in my life done that and I’m almost 39. Sure maybe some cleanup, but more of a toweling down than a shower. And putting on clothes just seems weird.
As far as how to tell him this goes I think you just need to say it: “hey I feel unloved when you fuck me and then that is the end of our intimacy. I think our relationship would be stronger if you held me afterwards and we talked instead of going to our screens.”
It’s popular in BDSM as a smooth calm down from the intense emotions of the sex/scene and reassurance of worth beyond use as masturbatory aid. As BDSM involves more heightened emotions than regular sexual activity (kind of the point) then aftercare becomes more necessary to more people.
Those necessities are not unique to BDSM though, just vastly more common and amped up. Many people want assurance of a return to normal behaviour and value to their partner after regular sex, that’s entirely normal.
You can absolutely ask for cuddling, and anything else that you want to try, or do. Navigating intimate conversations with your partner can be delicate, difficult, or simple, but you’re the only people who can figure this out, with one other. Good luck! Don’t be scared to say exactly what you mean. (Wish i could tell my 21yo self that, too!)
I think that’s just post coidal affection. It’s something a lot of people crave.
*Ask.*
Relationships are built on communication. Even tough conversations that need to be had- which sex can be an awkward conversation at first.
Just say “Hey, can I talk to you? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about something and it would mean a lot to me if we could try out.” Finish up with “I’m glad we could talk about it, thanks for listening to me. Is there anything you’d like to talk about in this department?”
OK, just because you learned a term that is common in the BDSM community doesn’t mean it can’t/shouldn’t apply in a vanilla relationship. It’s just that I’ve noticed from experience that often in a vanilla relationship, the communication is limited in discussions about sex. Too much is assumed, and in the BDSM community, you can not afford to assume anything.
What I mean is with my vanilla relationships, it was just assumed that if no one said there was something bothering someone, everything was just fine. If we weren’t arguing, then we were on the same page. If it’s a good relationship, you don’t need to say anything it’ll just work out right. Not even close! In a good relationship, you talk about everything and discuss it work together towards the goals you share.
So, bottom line….
If it’s important to you say something. Don’t hint… be direct.
Why ask? Why not just do? Take initiative.
It’s not even “aftercare”, cuddling after sex is just as much part of it as foreplay.
Although I would think it was a little odd if my partner said ‘you did a good job, I’m so proud of you’ like it’s a job perfomance
I think you should ask him specifically for what you wrote here. I don’t see any reason to call it “aftercare”
I have only heard that term being used in the lifestyle but it’s definitely something vanilla couples do all the time
But so you also want him to say he’s proud of you and you did a good job? That sounds like it’s in the direction of kink …so maybe work out if you’re into bdsm and kink before you bring that one up
This doesn’t sound like aftercare as much as it just sounds like good old-fashioned kindness
I am very glad that the BDSM community talks openly about the concept of aftercare, but it’s a bit depressing to think that being loving and attentive with your partner after sex is now being regarded as a unique practice that one has to learn to employ or ask for
People have different preferences, of course, and your boyfriend may be most comfortable with immediately cleaning up and putting clothes back on rather than hanging out sticky and naked (personally I love the sticky and naked snuggle time)
But telling your boyfriend that you would like to cuddle, and continue the intimate focus on each other even after sex is finished, is not a strange request.
It’s not some mysterious, bdsm-specific activity called aftercare. It’s quite normal and expected in a lot of relationships, and you can simply say something like, “hey, can we snuggle a bit? I don’t like it when we immediately check out and ignore each other after sex”
Good Job!!!!👍
My husbands ex used to get dressed etc after, apparently. He found it horrible. No affection, felt used, like he hadn’t done a good job.
He loves our after cuddles with me. He strokes my hair and we snuggle in close and this increases our bond, showing this affection. We laugh and giggle like teenagers and it’s just us in that moment.
So unfortunately whats you bf is doing in not the norm. Until my husband I’d never heard of anyone not cuddling unless it was a hook up/ fwb thing.
Please talk to him. If he says no, look at your relationship and see if there’s any affection etc. The post sex cuddle defines what sort of relationship you have, for me anyway.
back in the days we called it cuddling…
Aftercare is important in all situations not just BDSM. Aftercare is anything from reminding each other to pee after sex (important) to grabbing a drink & some snacks so you can chill wherever you banged and re-energise yourselves. It’s not just cuddling, though that shit is nice as fuck after a.. well, fuck.
Maybe start with the whole *snack* thing. Introduce that and after you’ve had a snack and a drink, cuddle for a bit. Introduce it as *after sex I know we can both feel a bit exhausted so I figured it’d be good if we just run to the kitchen, grab some bits and then relax on the bed and get our strength back up.*
Get him into the habit of doing it, take turns if you need to as a way to encourage mutual aftercare. It’ll work out.
I didn’t know that’s called after care? We just do that anyway.
Aftercare can be so many different things for so many different people, and I’ve definitely been where you’re at (getting on phones, kinda ignoring eachother after, things like that)
If he’s putting his clothes back on immediately, it could be because he’s self conscious or doesn’t want to be naked after sex, so immediately suggesting cuddling naked could make him completely stray from that idea.
Here’s what my partner and I have come to compromise on as far as aftercare, and it’s genuinely worked for us the past year or so.
We finish, get up, and go to the bathroom together. We both pee after sex cuz we don’t want utis, and we clean up. We’re usually laughing and talking that whole time, and it’s not at all awkward for us. Usually we will take a shower together, sometimes we take them separately, it honestly depends on if I want to wash my hair or not because he says I hog the water when I wash my hair lol. When we’re all clean, we get dressed and we get in bed and put on a tv show we’ll both enjoy watching, and I’ll usually lay on his chest or we’ll just cuddle, and we will usually fall asleep like that.
It makes us feel connected without putting too much pressure on the aftercare itself. We’re paying attention to eachother, the end of sex wasn’t the end of our bonding time, and we’re both happy with it.
Obviously that exact routine doesn’t work for everyone, but going into addressing aftercare with so much expectation on what that will mean for both of you can make it feel forced and then you won’t even really want it anymore. It’s kinda like mentioning you want flowers and then getting flowers, it doesn’t mean as much if you tell him exactly what you want (cuddle naked, play with your hair) because he’s not already doing those things without you asking.
Definitely talk about aftercare, but just start by telling him that you want to feel like you’re still connected after you finish with sex. Eventually you will start to get into a routine you’re both comfortable with without feeling like you’ve put too much pressure on it
Listen, if you have any chance of a successful relationship ever, you have to speak up and stay honest. What you are requesting isn’t a big deal at all! If he refuses or treats you like its dumb, dump him.
It’s absolutely OK and normal to want this, and if you have a good partner they will listen to you and want to meet your needs.
To give some insight into the biology, post orgasm men are hit with hormones that increase sleepiness and shut down sexual interest. In contrast, women are flooded with oxytocin, which is sometimes called the cuddle hormone. This means his natural inclination is to back off for some alone time at the same time as you are wanting cuddles and reassurance. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, but he should be receptive to changing your routine. He probably just doesn’t realise you need that because it’s not what he needs.
Aftercare is particularly important after bdsm because that kind of sexual activity plays with power dynamics and heightens emotions. Taking time to reconnect afterwards is normal part of ‘safe, sane and consensual’ bdsm. Having said that, aftercare is equally important when you’re building a new relationship and when you’re still finding your own sexual identity, because both of those things also involve insecurity around who has power in the relationship, exploring your identity as a sexual being and as a couple, etc.
Aftercare is literally CARE AFTER the deed. Regardless of what that is.
Relationships are about having your needs met.
Simply explain this is a need for you.
Me and my husband call it “afterglow” haha where we snuggle and talk. You don’t even have to put a label on it (we do just bc it’s fun). Maybe say something like “hey I really would love to connect emotionally after we are intimate, would you like to snuggle?” Or something. What you’re feeling is pretty normal and I’d feel sad without it too!
well i guess if you read a lot of stuff about BDSM, you’ll see that stuff popping up in BDSM relationships.
but aftercare can totally be done with other types of sexual activity and sexual relationships also. however, it’s probably because it’s not necessarily called “aftercare” in other sexual encounters. it’s just you wanting some touch and cuddles and words, lying there together still naked, instead of having cleaned up already and he then goes on to his phone while you’re next to him thinking “why isn’t he looking at me or talking to me”?
the way i like to put it is like this — you two have shared bodily juices, you should be able to bring up this topic with your boyfriend. but the caveat is, don’t bring it up when you two are about to have sex, or right after sex. talk about it beforehand, and see if the your bf is receptive to making the changes that you’re asking for. then see if he actually does it during the next time you to engage in sex.
My partner and I had this conversation. We’re not into BDSM, but I explained how important it is to me. He gets energized and wants to talk about anything while walking around. I told him that the end was too abrupt for me and that I wanted a couple of minutes afterward with real connection and bonding. We compromised and he gives me some time, and I listen to him talk excitedly about his current focus. We both feel great afterward. Maybe start by telling him before he gets up that: “I would just want to stay like this for a couple of minutes. It was amazing and I just want to be close for just a little bit longer.” Then, when he does, thank him and tell him how much it means to you. Men want to feel appreciated, and they’ll be happy to hear that it was wonderful.
Best of luck.
1. I’m **so happy** for you that you’re self-aware and engaged in your sexuality like this, keep on learning and checking in with yourself about what you want, it is suuuuper healthy!
2. Aftercare is not at all ‘just for BDSM’, it’s one of those wonderful terms that the BDSM community has given us to understand something that is **a really really normal need**.
3. How to bring it up with your partner: just be open and honest with him! Something along the lines of ‘hey I’ve been thinking and I’d really like it if we could have some more intimate time after we have sex (describe all of those lovely things you said in your post!)’ You can also tell him how you learnt about the phrase ‘aftercare’ and it feels really important to you, and check in to see if there’s anything that he’d like to incorporate to your sex life 🙂
Enjoy!