TLDR: is there a correct way to go about dating? Is there a basic playbook that everyone knows instinctually?
I’m realizing that my overachieving academic upbringing coupled with my parents absolutely loveless marriage has conditioned my brain in such a way that I can’t understand how this entire field of human existence—romance—operates and I don’t know how to learn about it or what I should be aiming for. In the past, the fear of failing is too great to even try. But NO MORE! Tell me what you know!!
I’m 29 years old and have never really dated. Had a few bad experiences at a football college. Graduated with depression. Lived at home. Struggled with low self esteem and anxiety. The only time I’d ever sleep with a guy was when I’d get really drunk and it would be like once a year. Afraid to be vulnerable, meeting someone cool, burning everything down in a blaze of glory. Making excuses about why I should move on. Regret and pine. Repeat.
All of a sudden I’m turning 30 soon and all of the excuses I have been feeding myself about why no one would want to date me are evaporating. I have been working really hard on myself, working out, Building up my hobbies. I’ve been casually dating guys, one casual relationship lasted for 4 months. It was the first time I had slept with a guy more than 2 times. Its amazing the different parts of your personality you discover when you have to explore it with someone else. I feel emotionally pretty healthy and able to be vulnerable. There is so much I’d like to do with someone who loves me. And it’s not because of loneliness or self hatred, it’s because I want to share. And acknowledging this change of heart feels very powerful and makes me happy.
**My issue is this: I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like or how to build one or how to identify what would be good qualities in a future partner. With so little emotional and sexual experience, where do I even begin? ** Is there a book everyone is reading about what to expect? Or do people just know what the ideal is and try to make that happen? Is there a right way to date and build a relationship? Is it just instinct? Or is it something you can only learn when you’re in it? Does everyone just have romantic role models in their lives? **Is someone like me too set in her ways to learn about this?**
4 comments
The right way is the way that makes you both happy. There is no playback. It would be 8 billion pages long because every single period on this planet is different, and no relationship is the same.
Find someone that you want to be with. And ask them out.
Treat them how you would want to be treated. Communicate about everything. All the good and all the bad. Do not hide things from them. Don’t lie.
Good luck.
not really. just hit the apps and go on dates and find your style and comfort level.
First of all you are in a very good place to date as per the info you have given that’s a very good start.
Generally people go out on multiple first dates with multiple people to get to know each other and feel the vibe, if most things go well (good interaction, good conversation, signs that you are looking for like is he respectful, how is his attitude towards you and/or others , what are his goals, how clear he is in communicating) then they proceed towards the second date where usually people go for first base (kissing and making out) and then third fourth fifth and so on to check more about each others emotional, physical and mental needs, wants, demands, choices (future past) etc to see if they are compatible with each other. I would suggest a dating period of atleast 6-8 months if things are going right with one partner and then people decide whether they want to commit and come together in a relationship. Thats the general tone of things.
A couple of disclaimers- generally people go out on first dates with multiple people in a same time period if that’s not your thing you can be upfront and tell your date that you want exclusivity in dating meaning dating just one person at a time.
Read about the honeymoon period in dating.
You can also read research papers on it or watch videos by Jordan Peterson and shwetabh gangwar (he also has a book called ‘the rudest book ever- blacked version’ certain chapters of which will be greatly beneficial in this case for you.) on relationships.
Have realistic and YOUR expectations not the the ones fed by social media.
But above all you do you, find what suits you and your emotional needs you will figure things out yourself as you said its amazing to find different parts of your personality.
unexpected case for a woman