I’m just going to write a little bit about what’s happening with me right now, but honestly if anybody has similar experiences, I’d encourage chatting in comments. It might make me feel less crazy.
**Backstory:** I’ve dated a few different girls in my life. For being an freshman guy in college, I’d say my 4 different relationships aren’t all that far from average. One lasted about 6 months, another about 7, my last one about 2 years, and my current one here is about 2 months now, but I’d be lying if I said that any of my previous ones really went well. Not for reasons of my own, but rather my terrible taste in people who like to walk all over me. I didn’t want to date when I got to college, but alas my hopeless romantic heart went and got attached, so now I’m here again, and to be honest, despite the amount we’ve grown attached and how good it is now, I have a feeling our futures don’t really align, and she seems to not be able to have a relationship free of drama, so she’s the one who makes it.
**The Rest:** For about the past two weeks I’ve been having pesteringly sappy dreams about a girl from back home who I’m going to call Jenny. For context, Jenny is currently a senior at my old high school that I was good friends with because we were in a lot of similar activities and polar opposites in our grades (I’m young for mine, she’s old for hers). She liked me when she was a freshman, and, in the most roundabout way, I ended up liking her when I was a senior. At the time I was in a failing relationship and she was in multiple similar, so I never really entertained that thought, but as time went on I broke off my last relationship and feelings grew, we hung out a few times, ultimately ending in a fade away with schedules not aligning and her getting with another guy.
Back to now, I’m having dreams of being back there with her, and I hate the fact that I’ve realized I don’t think anybody will make me feel great the way she did. I hate waking up in bed with my girlfriend after these dreams, having to stifle the thoughts in my head, then go through another day filled with fights and doubts, only to have another dream.
I brought my girlfriend to my hometown a bit ago, and we ended up in the same place as Jenny. I saw her, and I saw the same light in her eyes as I always had, but then saw hers pan to my girlfriend next to me and I swear she left as fast as she could after that. The last time I was home before that we ran into each other and talked for like 5 minutes in a sea of people and it was great, but I don’t know why she left so fast now. I saw her snap story and she didn’t have anywhere to be or any reason to leave so quick, so I don’t know what to think. I guess I don’t know if she’s still in a relationship either, but I don’t know if I really want to know that.
**The End:** I don’t really know what to do. With every second of every day, every song I listen to, every nostalgic thought I have, every movie I watch, I can’t help but to think about her, and I try so hard not to. I wish I could just talk to her, but I know there’s no reason I could possibly have for that. This doesn’t feel like a crush, and I don’t think I’ve even fallen so hard for anyone I’ve dated. Worst of all, I can’t talk to anyone about this because everyone I know knows my girlfriend too, and I don’t even know what that relationship is going to amount to anymore. So I just sit here, hoping for any sign to guide me or any rhyme or reason to appear, which is kind of just futile given that I’m an agnostic realist. All I can hope is I’m not the only lovesick fool that has fallen this hard and this stupidly.
**TL;DR** I’m in a relationship but can’t stop thinking about a girl that used to be in my life, and I don’t know what to. I’ve been doubtful about my relationship, but at the same time I don’t want to let these thoughts about this girl consume me. I just hope I’m not alone in this.