Posted in another sub already, but hoping to get some more insight.
So on Monday, I had my first hinge date after recently coming out of a two year relationship.
The date went really well. Went out to dinner and at the end asked if she wanted to check out my apartment, to enthusiastically agreed.
So I brought her home, eventually we start hooking up. We make it to the bedroom but then I get in my head too much (stage fright/ performance anxiety). First girl besides my ex in two years so I had some nerves. Had some trouble getting it up… so I suggest she go down on me and promptly finish within like 30 seconds 😓. Quickly clean myself up, and suggest we go again. We start hooking up again, I finish her off and then we finally start fucking annnnd I finish again after another 30 seconds of time…
She was cool about it and we clicked on a really good level and it wasn’t super awkward afterwards. We hang for a bit after sex and then she goes home.
I text her a couple hours later saying typical “hey hope you made it home safe. I had a great time, we should get together again soon” to which she said:
“Thank you for tonight!! Yes I agree 🥰”
I like the message and wait till 3pm the next day to text her:
“Happy Valentine’s Day!”
“Deff a little bit distracted today at work thinking about last night 🤤”
As others have pointed out it was probably not the best idea to send a suggestive message like this after a one time hookup. But whatever, can’t change what’s done.
She replies:
“Haha 😉 happy Valentine’s Day”
So I say:
“Thanks lol”
“You all packed up for cali yet?”
To which she hasn’t responded.
We had previously talked about her upcoming trip to cali. And I thought she was leaving the following day. But i checked our messages and her trip isn’t until next week, so my message didn’t really make any sense.
I guess I’m wondering what I could say to rekindle the conversation or if I should just let it die (because of the slightly awkward sex…) we’re both moving away soon so I don’t think either of us have any expectations of a relationship, but I was hoping for a FWB situation.
My plan was to wait another day or two (so I don’t come off clingy) and say something lighthearted like:
“Wait just realized you don’t leave until next week lol. Hope you didn’t pack your bags rush to the airport because of this text!”
Then maybe:
“Btw what’s your Instagram? I’d love to see more of your travels”
(She’s big into traveling)
From there if she sends me her insta, I’d prob just like the message, follow her. And then wait until mid next week to text her again and see how she’s enjoying the trip.
Idk. Part of me says just let it die she’s not interested after that minute long performance lol. But the other half of me says can’t hurt to try again 🤷♂️.
I know I’m overthinking it but, if anyone has any advice or insight from a woman’s perspective I would appreciate it.
22 comments
I would just TRY to not over think it. Maybe wait a day or two and instead of thinking of the “best” thing to say maybe just be honest. “I don’t want to be over eager or anything but I’d like to see you again, I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, I had a great time the other night I’m sure you noticed I was still nervous at the end of the night but if you’re still game I’d like to take you out again when you get back from your trip” or something like that. She will appreciate the honesty and candor and will more than likely give you the same.
So stop with this waiting game you’re playing. If anything that has a better chance of tanking it vs you not lasting very long.
Reach out and set up a date. Don’t try to do small talk or leave her on read hoping it’ll make her come to you. Be more proactive.
Agree with MaxBlack entirely.
Give it a little bit of breathing room. You don’t know what’s going on for her in her life, and she may need to focus on that for a sec. It doesn’t mean she’s reading the situation like you are.
If, after a few days, there’s no response, I think being honest about the situation will fare out better for you. If honesty makes her uncomfortable or if she doesn’t respond, it’s not meant to be.
Look either it didn’t bother her and she’ll reach out / see you after her trip. Or it turned her off and she doesn’t want to see you again. Just let it ride and see how it plays out.
Move on
I don’t think akwars sex is a good enough reason for you to give up and let it die. but as Max said,let her breathe a little, and personally I would like your sincerity but I don’t know if the explanation is unnecessary for her. wait a bit, if you get an answer be honest and if not, let it go, I think it’s fair to say that something like this could happen to all of us after breakups and long relationships
Twice in under a minute total, tough to bounce back from ..
Yes you should pursue her man, we all have had one experience or another with getting inside our heads while hooking up with a girl for the first time after a date or what not, sometimes we over think things that usually aren’t even a big deal but once we start doing that it’s game over for us. This has happened to me a few times after an ex girlfriend also , start thinking about stupid things that didn’t even bother me and then just not even being able to function trying to hook up at all, but once that happened I knew that was bs and I was overthinking it and knew that it’s not going to happen next time . I owe it to myself and this girl cause that ain’t me at all. Dude Pursue her it won’t happen again bro trust me, you can tell her you had a lot on your mind , you got out of a bad relationship with your ex and haven’t been with a girl in two years and you started to worry about screwing something up and then got way into your head and messed up, that’s fine to say my guy she’ll understand dude
Be honest. “I Haven’t had sex in a while and really want to please you the way you desire. I’ve been feeling embarrassed about my performance, but as we continue to date I know it will work itself out.”
Did you happen to make sure she finished? I’ve had a few hookups where the guy makes sure he gets his orgasms, but then nothing is reciprocated. I usually don’t have any interest in contacting these men after that because why would I want to pursue a relationship with someone who really doesn’t care about me and my pleasure
You are 100% over thinking it. Just relax and see what happens
This is why I don’t sleep with people so quickly. I don’t like the pressure/awkwardness/confusion it can create. And sometimes people put way too much value into “good sex”, maybe it’s not good because you don’t know each other 🤷🏾♀️ yes sexual compatibility is important but in some situations you have to give it time. I don’t expect the first time (or even the first few times) to be amazing. I feel like as long as you both have compatible likes and dislikes. It can be worked on
I guess you could be over thinking. Finishing fast isn’t too bad, I think it’s been anthropologically good for our human species. It’s not the same as being impotent.
I gotta ask, and I hate to ask: what are you hoping to get out of this? What is she hoping for? Are you two on the same page? And you’re both traveling?
Might be worth letting it go, it happened and you two can leave it at that, right?
Also, good on you for getting back out there!!
Personally, I often overwork myself and last time I dated (21f) our second and third time were lack luster. Both of us were over worked that week and we wanted way more than what we could accomplish together, even. Overworking will definitely deplete your libido! Once we did some self care, we tried some more and found our stride together. We communicated on that, and this helped ease our anxiety and concerns that we might disappoint each other during sex. So we kept trying 🙂
Wait a few days and ask her out for a specific activity.
I personally hate it when guys ask for my instagram. Mostly because the guys who ask this just wanna get all horny over the pictures they think will be on there (jokes on them, I don’t have an instagram). But I wouldn’t ask “what’s your instagram” because skeevy guys who just like how you look usually ask that and you don’t want to get clumped into that group.
I may be an outlier, but I’ve never liked the game where guys wait to text as to not come off clingy or whatever. I don’t like the play it cool strategy… I would go for it! Text her and ask her when she is free for a date, but I’d propose something fun and not supposed to lead to sex (like not drinks or dinner, more like an activity). I’d frame it like if she’s free, you would like to see her again before she leaves.
The awkward sex is recoverable, IMO. I wouldn’t overthink it or be in your head about it!
I would stop messaging her. You’re gonna look desperate. In fact, imho she probably already thinks you’re desperate from your story.
Stop messaging her and move on. Go on dates with others etc. If she messages you after a while, great. If not, you’ve moved on anyway so who cares.
Fuck it, throw the Hail Mary. Worst that can happen is nothing.
Overthinking it
It’s called training but if she will not respond then dump her
Oof I gave a couple lackluster performances to this girl but she still wanted to be my gf cuz she liked chilling with me
I would say yes! Similar thing with my current boyfriend. He continued to pursue me and now we’ve been together almost 3 years, bought a house together and are now expecting!