Im currently feeling really down about my family’s situation with finding childcare. I’m the dad of two kids (4 & 2). I was a stay at home since our first was 6 months old, for a bit over 3 yrs, although I went back to work in September. Since then we’ve had a nightmare: we’ve had two nannies who quit shortly after joining (lol I don’t think we’re horrible people), and now believe it or not we can’t find a nanny. Our kids do some short days in a local preschool (like a nursery but shorter hours and only open in term time), so we are finding it very difficult to find a reliable childcare solution.
We’re in a very fortunate position that my partner has a very good job, so me going back to work is not about money. It’s more about my wanting to do so for my own mental health. But we just can’t seem to find a way to make having two young kids work with both of us having jobs, with an hour of travelling on days we don’t wfh. Everyone around us seems have one parent who doesn’t work, again very fortunate bubble I guess.
I feel like a twat even posting this; because I get that we’re incredibly fortunate. And I am sure lots of people don’t have a choice, and need to put their kids in childcare full time. That said, we are very lucky and we do have a choice, so should I be quitting my job to look after the kids? I don’t want to, but we can’t find another nanny, and even if we do, their salary takes up my entire take home pay. We can try the kids in preschool + breakfast club + after school club, but it’s a crazy long day for them (and again that option comes close to wiping out my salary) and we’re still screwed in school holidays. I want to stress that it’s not about the money: if we can find a better option that costs a bit more, we can take it. But it increasingly feels like our options are failing and I’m going to have to quit my job to be a stay at home dad. Most dads would kill for this opportunity, but after 3 yrs I just feel like I have had enough of being at home.
Please give me any thoughts about how families manage young kids + parents working. Am I being really out of touch to have a problem with just putting the kids in nursery from 7:45-17:30? Am I being a twat for wanting to go back to work causing my family all this stress and not actually bring much of a net financial gain? Do people think kids staying with parents is actually better for them, than spending time in a good preschool/nursery?
16 comments
Could you possibly do part time hours or work only say 3-4 days a week? Then your children only need to go to nursery on those days? Or possibly a child minder for all the times they are not in preschool? I’ve done both. That way I could get back into my career and also be there for my children. But, loads of parents I know send their children full time. Yes, it usually eats up one of their salaries.
Also, 30 hours of childcare and Tax-free childcare will bring down costs considerably for your older one. Are you claiming those?
A day nursery sounds like the obvious solution, but if you and partner could stagger a late start/early leaving you might be able to pay for less than 5 days.
Once they’re in school then you’re looking at after-school club or childminder, then holiday clubs. After-school nannies tend to be like gold dust and unreliable (we went through 8 in 2 years, only two lasted more than a month thanks to medical reasons etc).
One parent going part time plus a day nursery is likely the best bet, assuming you can’t magic up a doting grandparent to do a day a week.
It doesn’t work. Constant state of near catastrophe. I don’t know how people do this. My wife went SAHM and it’s still really hard.
My husband works full time over 4 longer days (civil servant) 2 days in office 2 at home.
I work part time (30 hours 4x 7.5hr days) – midwife so a mix of weekdays and weekends but I am also responsible for all pick ups and drop offs at nursery.
Our daughter (3) goes to nursery 2/3 days a week 8-5.30, 51 weeks of the year. Husband has her 1x day a week. We specifically chose a nursery that’s open all year round and they have been great with flexibility, I request what I need a month in advance. She also gets the 30 hours funding since Jan which helps loads.
I could work less hours and pay less childcare but I love my job and my career, I couldn’t be a SAHM for my own mental health. It’s all about compromise I suppose, fortunately we have an amazing nursery and our LG loves going and is used to the pattern. She started at 10 months, similar schedule tho I have upped my hours since she turned 2.
I dont think you are wrong for wanting to work and have something for yourself, as you say its not about the money. Finding the right work may be key here, jobs make adjustments for working mothers (part time, flexible working, WFH), why not working fathers too.
Can you take turns to leave work early and get them so it’s not as long a day?
We chose to have one parent at home (me, M)
Again we were lucky it was possible financially
I wouldn’t go back and change it.. it wasn’t easy and the low point maybe was around the age of your kids atm but it helped us have the family life we wanted with them not having long days and being looked after by random people
As they get older the decision to return to work is different as they are more independent and less reliant on you … when both in school then being at home is different again with different work opportunities if you wanted them
(They are uni age now)
My 2 year old goes to nursery from 7-5:30, 3 days one week and 4 the next. He sometimes plays up a bit at drop off but according to the staff is totally fine a minute after we leave him. I don’t think about it at all as he loves it and comes out with so many new things he learns at nursery.
He was born in June 2020 so had very little contact with other kids until he was 1. I worried initially if he’d mix or just be playing in the corner on his own but he’s fine. On the whole I’d say that nursery is good for social skills and learning and he’s happy when he’s there, even if it is long days for him.
Not to worry you too much, but another consideration that you need to plan for as you make decisions is that when they start school, your children will regularly not be there. Kids pick up bugs so easily, and schools nowadays have strict 48 hour absence policies after vomiting. I’d say for under 10s it’s rare to have a three week streak without a child being off for a day or two, particularly from October – March.
So whatever plans you make need to consider this, and that one or both of you will need to work in such a way that you’re pretty available to drop it all at potentially zero notice.
One salary being eaten up is shit. But it’s short term shit.
Once your kids go to school your childcare costs except maybe some wrap around care will go down massively.
Get the nanny or do the full time childcare and suck up that while you won’t have much (if any) take home pay essentially for a while (assuming your wife will cover everything else with her salary) you are doing it for your own mental health, future earning potential and future benefit of your family.
I find it strange that you don’t want to look after your kids…for your mental health, but you expect other people to want to. There has to be a reason that two nanny’s left that you aren’t telling us.
When my daughter was primary school aged I worked three days a week and she was in childcare from 7.30-18:00 on those days. I think this was a good balance and she really thrived in her childcare setting. We were lucky enough to have an excellent childminder from the age 14 months to 11 years so my daughter had a really close bond with her and her family.
There is some evidence that children staying home with their parents when they are under 3 years old is more beneficial to their development but a good childminder or nursery will provide your child with love and excellent development opportunities too.
Post 3 years old consistency of care is more important, as long as they have a familiar loving setting where they are given the chance to learn through play it doesn’t matter if they are home or in a childcare setting in my opinion.
Father of a 5 and 2 (nearly a 3) here. I work full time and my wife works 3 days a week. 5 is in school full time, has two days with an after school childminder when my wife is working, and I pick up one day a week. 2 is with nursery 3 days a week from 7.30 to 5.30.
We are in a similar position, in that I earn enough that my wife doesn’t have to work, however it benefits her mental health and our lifestyle to have those 3 days a week in work. 2 has been in childcare 3 days a week since he turned 1 and it hasn’t negatively impacted him, 5 was the same before she hit school – 3 days a week with childminder and then nursery / Preschool. Fortunately we only had a brief period of a few months when they were both in childcare and had to pay for both, but by that point 5 had her 30hrs a week free so the cost wasn’t too different.
When 2 hits his 30hrs free in a few weeks, we will be putting him in 4 days a week so my wife can get a day to herself every week.
He has a great little friendship group in Preschool and is genuinely excited for his Preschool days in the week as he loves the setting and loves playing with his friends. It’s difficult early doors when they can get upset going into that environment, but when they settle it makes things a lot easier. You need to remember as well that socialising is important at that age too, and that’s not something you can provide as easily from home.
I worked full time throughout. I paid for an 8_6 nursery, and then before and after school club, 8_6, right up to the start of year 7.
Your issue is, you don’t want to pay for childcare when you are working from home. Tbh, if you are looking after kids, you aren’t working at your job. You can’t keep kids stimulated, whilst doing a job. You can’t concentrate on your work whilst looking after your kids.
You said it’s not financial, so just organise yourself properly. If you work Mon _Friday, pay for day care Mon to Fri, and use it.
I’ve got a 5yo and 5mo, so our setup with one will be the same with the other once my wife goes back to work after maternity leave.
I work Saturday – Wednesday, wife works Monday – Wednesday (so full time me and part time her).
Wednesday the baby goes to grandparents or childcare for the day.
We only have time off together when we book holiday days together, otherwise we only see each other for a bit each night.
Can’t afford childcare for the extra two days, as it would mean my wife’s salary is nulled, so would be pointless.
It sucks but it’s what we have to do to have kids, once they’re both in school it means I can change jobs or days and we can have weekends together, so just getting through the next 3-4 years before we can.
We did it from the day my wife went back to work after maternity leave. And it was great for our mental health, our child’s development and of course our careers as well.
End of the day, it’s a personal choice but it’s absolutely ok to want to work. Don’t allow society to guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.
I think that when a family can afford to actually raise their children they should be. Given in real terms it’s such a short amount of time.
However as you don’t wish to give your children that experience you have to make some choices.
Au pair? Child minder?
Full Time childcare with longer hours than many adults?
Condensed hours to reduce the need for ft care to 3 days if you and wife did this.
Term time only contracts.
Part-time hours.