So we just recently made it “official” and are now bf (M 34) and gf (F 24) who are exclusively seeing each other. After our first two dates she talked a lot about marriage and kids and it kinda tripped me out that she was talking about it so early so I tried to pump the brakes but it went poorly and she ended up blocking me. She unblocked a month later and we ended up re connecting and went on more dates. This time she completely switched her tone and was super chill. Saying things like no need to ever rush things we can just be friends for a while and get to know each other etc..
So after making things official we’re hanging out all day on valentines. I took her to a spot and the marriage and kids thing came up again. She starts talking about timelines, when she wants to be married by, when she wants kids… and I’m like damn she really is stuck on this. She said ever since her sister had a kid recently shes had baby fever and cant get it off her mind. She said she feels like her clock is ticking and doesn’t want to have a baby too late. Shes 24 and says she wants a kid by 26. So basically she wants to be married with a kid in two years, and possibly sooner.
I’m a late bloomer and while I am the older one, she is only my second girlfriend. Because of my lack of relationship experience I’ve never really thought too much about marriage and kids. I’m not completely opposed to either one but its something that I would never want to rush into and I definitely don’t have any strict timeline like she does.
I get that she wants to be very upfront with me about her long term relationship goals but also think its kind of weird that were even talking about this when we just became official less than a week ago. It all seems pre mature. Like we don’t even know each other like that yet.
So I told her that I’m not ready for all that yet and honestly have never thought too hard about it. I guess shes just asking if I’m wanting those things in general. To which my answer is I’m not sure yet. I would need to be in a long term relationship with someone to really know. I said that and she seems ok with that answer but she’s also very firm like she said “down the road if you realize that you don’t want those things with me, don’t lead me on. Dont waste my time because i’ve made it clear what I want.”
I just feel stressed out and conflicted now because I wanted to just date and get to know each other without any kind of pressure or expectations. Just see how things evolve. With her timelines it really feels like shes in some kind of rush and is on a mission. I feel like I need to really sit down and think about what my long term relationship goals are. So far when I think about it I’m not able to come up with a solid answer because I feel like I havent experienced enough to really know. I really don’t want to lead her on and want to respect her goals of marriage and kids but I don’t know how to proceed. Like I feel like if things don’t work out down the road shes going to freak out and accuse me of leading her along. My honest answer right now is I DONT KNOW because I think its too soon for me to know.
Edit:
We had dinner last night and she said 3 years would be her maximum waiting time. Like at three years she wants a ring or shes gone. And I’m like damn 3 years is a long time, thats plenty. I’m not even asking for that long. She said 2 years is ideal. She basically said she doesnt want to wait around for me to figure my shit out and obviously the sooner I can confidently say I want marriage and kids down the road the better. I’m not there yet but my plan is to think deeply about those things while I date her and if I ever come to a firm no, let her know immediately. And in 4-6 months if I haven’t come to a solid yes on wanting marriage and kids down the road then I think it would prob be best for us to part ways.
10 comments
Discussions about marriages and children SHOULD be happening in the first 1 – 3 dates. Long before you go official.
Otherwise people end up together for 4 years waiting for a ring that will never come. 10 years waiting to start a family, only for them to say they don’t want them, etc.
You have a quick conversation at the start. Marriage and children? Both agreed on what you want? Great. Now store away that information for when you’re both actually ready for that stuff.
People are allowed to have general timeliness for when they want things to happen.
If you don’t ‘know’ by age 34 (more than **15 years** into adulthood), you’ll never know imo.
Move on now, for her sake.
These conversations should be happening especially if your ideas don’t align.
It’s something I always brought up honestly before going out on a date, at least children because I don’t want children. There is no point in me dating a fence sitter or someone who wants kids because it would never work.
Marriage is brought up in the sense that I was never looking to just fuck around. I don’t want someone that isn’t potentially looking to settle down if it was the right fit when I was dating.
If I wanted kids, I wouldn’t be asking when or how on these things but just knowing you will eventually is important for people who want them.
I think it’s really important to talk about these things early on. Otherwise if you don’t have the same future goals a relationship will never work.
I had this conversation before I was in a relationship with my partner. I don’t want to get married I’ve been divorced twice. And I don’t want children (I’m 42) my partner also doesn’t want marriage and doesn’t want children. So both knowing that about each other made getting into a relationship much easier because neither one of us would be disappointed down the line.
Also I think you need to maybe think about these things. Is marriage and children something you see in your future. You don’t need experience to know whether these are things you want or at least are open to.
Having these conversations early is important. When I was interested in marriage and children, I would bring it up early to make sure the guy I was seeing was on the same page as me.
This does not mean she wants to marry you or have your children. Or that she’s envisioning doing those things with you. Rather, she’s letting you know this is what the end goal is for her.
I feel like there’s a difference between having “these types of conversations” and the conversations she’s having. After a year of dating someone I said – “I would like to be married some day and I would like to have a family. I’m not saying that I want that with you but if you were to tell me right now, you never want either of those things, I’d like to move on.” I was in my mid-20s. I feel like she’s not concentrating on finding the right partner, just someone who will fit her agenda AND it wouldn’t be your fault if you or she decide that you’re incompatible in a few months. I think she should be the one to move on, you’ve said you’re unsure what you want to me, that’s a “no” and that’s how I think she should interrupt what you said. You have every right to change your mind and get married in a month but right now, it’s a no, if she’s serious about marriage/family, she needs to move on but she’s putting it all on you, which isn’t right.
She’s pre qualifying I guess. She wants to get married and have kids sooner rather than later. Doesn’t want to spend 1+ years with someone who doesn’t want that.
I think long term goal conversations should happen right away (date 2 or 3), because the whole point of those early dates is to see if there’s compatibility & chemistry.
If you’re not with her timeline AGAIN. Stop wasting her time Sir
Sidebar; if she ended up pregnant some type of way would you be responsible for it?