How to stop being a pushover (& take back control)

Being a pushover is a turn-off to most people.

And it kills your confidence and self-esteem.

If you want to stop being a pushover, there’s a skill you need to learn.

**Setting solid boundaries.**

Weak boundaries with other people is one of the biggest reasons for a lack of self-esteem, social anxiety and poor relationships.

But what is a boundary?

*“A personal boundary refers to a psychological or emotional limit that a person sets for themselves in terms of how they allow others to treat or interact with them.”*

Boundaries are the rules you establish to not let anyone f#ck with you.

They’re essential to living a great life where you’re free to be yourself.

But why do so many people struggle with boundaries? A few reasons…

* **Guilt.** Feeling selfish for setting boundaries or sticking up for yourself.
* **Fear of rejection or abandonment**. Thinking that people will leave you.
* **Fear of conflict**. Thinking that things will get out of hand and you can’t handle it.

There’s many more.

If you have weak boundaries, for whatever reason, **this needs to stop.**

A lack of strong boundaries costs you self-respect, creates inauthentic relationships and robs you of your personal power. By letting people walk all over you you’re telling yourself you don’t deserve better. It makes you low-status and lower value.

**So here’s the game plan to implement boundaries on your own…**

1. **Identify your values and priorities**. What’s important to you here? For example, if it’s important for you to be respected at work by your colleagues then you know what your goal is. Another example might be with your woman you might value alone time to feel free in the relationship. Get clear on what’s important to you and what your goals are.
2. **Know your patterns**. What do you normally do? Let people walk all over you how? Do you pretend you didn’t hear them? Smile and laugh even if you’re offended? Say “it’s no problem” even when it definitely was a problem? When you know your patterns you can catch them before it’s too late.
3. **Define your boundaries**. Once you understand your values and priorities, it’s time to identify your limits and needs. Think about what you’re comfortable with and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Write it down.
4. **Communicate clearly and assertively**. Use “I” statements to express your needs and preferences, and avoid blaming or criticizing others. Be firm and confident, but also respectful and empathetic.
5. **Stand your ground**. You will be tested on this. Expect it. Sit with the intense emotions of guilt and shame. Resist the urge to go back on your boundary, over-accommodate or apologize just for communicating it. Remember, you don’t need to fix their feelings if they have them. It isn’t up to you to make everything nice. You can leave the interaction at any time. You always have that freedom.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.

Both from other people but most important a lack of respect for yourself.

Take care

Oliver

**EDIT**: removed the word “men” because this topic isn’t gender specific