My gf has asked if it’s ok for her to watch an x rated video of an ex lover
So, my gf(F 42) has asked me (M54) if it’s ok for her to watch a video of an ex lover that is definitely going to be sexual.
Background:
We’ve been dating 7 months, have agreed to be monogamous, and are working on building a serious monogamous relationship.
Details:
They were involved online and had one IRL meet up, which in her words didn’t fulfill what she was looking for and decided to just be friends.
He is “married” in an “open relationship”, a few weeks ago they were interacting online and he asked if he could share a video with her.
A couple weeks go by and we are at dinner and she lets me know about this. Says she told him all about me and offers to let me see the interaction.
From the beginning of us dating, I told her I’m not an open relationship type of person and don’t share my partner with other men. Which she agreed to and also wants a monogamous relationship. When I asked why she would entertain his request, she said “why not?”. Informed me that he’s an exhibitionist and she thought it was hot that he wanted to share this.
I sat with this for a couple days and realized I have an issue with this, it feels wrong to me and feels like cheating or sharing on a level I’m not ok with.
I wrote down my feelings about this and shared with her. Mostly I feel disrespected by them both because if she truly told him everything, he wouldn’t/shouldn’t be asking her, and she should have said no immediately.
I really like her and totally trust her. I am happy she asked me about this. But I’m also concerned it took a couple weeks for her to bring this up.
I’d be interested in feedback on this while I sort it out and wait for her to reply to all of my questions I presented yesterday. She has been working alot and hasn’t had time to respond, so I want to give her space and time to think.
3 comments
What do you want advice about?
Nothing about this is ok in a monogamous relationship. Not the interacting online, not the talking about sex stuff, not the exhibitionism, not the watching a sexual video of/with him, none of it. He is trying to keep her in an open relationship. If you want a monogamous relationship with her, then he needs to be cut off.
Everything about this situation is weird and wrong. He shouldn’t be sending these things to her, and she sure as hell shouldn’t be encouraging it. I don’t know what kind of game she’s playing here but none of this behavior is even remotely ok in a monogamous relationship and don’t let her gaslight you into believing otherwise.
You are not overreacting, if anything you’re underreacting. A lot of people would have walked away from the relationship the minute their partner told them they’re still in regular contact with an ex, who sent them a video of the ex having sex, and your partner would like to watch it. I’d need some kind of graph to show all the lines that got crossed there. Not to mention the fact that there’s zero chance of her not having watched it already; I get the impression your approval was being sought after the fact. Better to ask forgiveness than permission, etc.