My best friend of almost 11 years happens to also be my ex bf and first sexual partner. We live across the country from each other (west coast and east coast). After our break up many years ago, our relationship eventually ended up becoming a more brother-sister type of friendship. I have been married now to my husband for almost 2 years and he (my friend) has only had one dysfunctional relationship since our break up.
My husband can’t stand him because he says that my friend is just not a great person. He thinks he is selfish, narcissistic and just overall not a great guy. I was blinded by my affection for my friend to agree, but there were times where behaviors would catch my attention and it was like a “behind the mask” peek at what my husband was seeing. Anyways, my friend decided to get back into a relationship with the girl that he had dated a year ago, which was a very toxic relationship from what he told me. He was asking me for relationship advice, and I told him he should talk to a couples counselor because I’m not the right person to ask about this stuff. I followed up with “all I can say is that honesty is the foundation for any relationship. Without honesty there’s no trust and that will break a relationship real fast”. My friends response was “I don’t agree with that, I don’t think honesty is the most important thing”.
After this revelation, I was just kinda stunned. Like it was as if the person in front of me was not the person I’d been friends with for years. Now I had to go back into my mind and re evaluate everything he’s ever told me. I know he has a history of doing what he wants in the moment because it makes him feel good, which he calls “being logical”, but I didn’t think there would be such a difference in core values.
The reason all of this came up in the first place was because he was going on a trip out of state to stay with a friend, whom he used to have an affair with. The friend and the friends husband both work for the same company my best friend works for and my best friend had an office affair with the woman, while she was pregnant with her first child. Anyway, the affair happened a long time ago and I thought my friend had learned from his mistakes, but I’m not sure.
His new gf doesn’t know the history between my friend and this woman, and I suggested that he tell her before he goes on this overnight trip so there’s honesty between them and she can trust him. That’s when he drops the “honesty isn’t everything” bomb on me. He’s like family to me but I feel terrible sitting by watching him just be this, well, not great person. I have stepped back and haven’t talked to him in a while, but I’m considering just ending the friendship because idk if I can be friends with someone like that. What should I do? Is this the right decision?
TL;DR: my best friend of many years has turned out not to be the person I thought he was and now I’m considering ending the friendship.
3 comments
I would be reconsidering too. I do consider honesty to be one of the vital components of a relationship. I think I’d take a little time to think about the other things that have made you doubt or talk to your husband about what he has picked up on. It’s hard to rethink what sort of person someone is when you’ve known them for so long, but sometimes it really is best to accept you misjudged somebody. Better than continuing to let that misjudgement happen.
Like you said, trust is the core of any relationship. He said dishonesty is ok with him. You can not respect the person you lie to, because you are willing to make them into a fool for believing you. From the sound of it, he has no problem making his girlfriend a fool and I am sure no problem making you one too.
You don’t need a man like that around in the longterm when you’re married. Your husband will be wondering if you’re gonna cheat on him later down the line when things get strained.