I think I’m too controlling over finances, advice?
Husband (32M) and I (27F) are divorcing. I felt like he was too financially irresponsible (we agreed to start saving up for vacations and then he would buy a new gun, I wanted us to have an emergency fund in case of house repairs or job loss/illness and he agreed but then bought a $5500 project car then put in $1000 of repairs). We had separate finances but we would pay half on bills and the one vacation we did go on. We made about the same salary wise.
Am I controlling? I grew up really poor so I am always worried about budgets and saving money. He was saying he was always upset and stressed about money but I offered to help him make a budget if he wanted to save money and he always refused. He admitted after we separated that he was embarrassed to tell me about his spending habits. I just don’t want this to repeat in future relationships. I am seeking individual counseling but wondering if anyone experienced the same.
TL; DR: Husband would not sit down and budget with me despite being upset about money and now I asked for a divorce.
9 comments
So you came up with plans that would make sure that you were financially stable and your toddler of a husband would just blow money on ridiculous things that were completely unnecessary and you think the issue is that you’re controlling?
WOW, I guess his work on you is done. Do not change, find a grown up that acts like one.
> I just don’t want this to repeat in future relationships.
The simplest way is to ensure you and a potential love interest have a similar approach and expectations around finances BEFORE you two commit to a relationship.
Granted we’re only reading your account, but nothing about this strikes me as controlling – if there was an issue it’s a failure of communication and a lack of common goals. Wanting to have savings in case of an emergency and working together to save toward joint goals is just normal financial responsibility and part of being an adult. Having a budget, on its own, isn’t controlling.
He made agreements and promises he didn’t keep. He didn’t want to be accountable or honest with you about shared plans.
That’s not you being controlling. That is him being so bad with money he cannot even make reasonable agreements with you, and talk about money in trustworthy ways.
Come on. You know that. Don’t let this man take petty swipes like this at you while you’re headed out the door.
Divorce is expensive, so if you *weren’t* controlling about finances before, now is a good time to start.
Just to give you another perspective, it’s pretty common for couples to check with each other if a purchase is over some amount, ex. $500. You don’t sound controlling to me, it sounds like he was just unable to be financially responsible.
from what is written here, i dont think you are too controlling over finances.
so many people just refuse to think critically or plan ahead in regard to money, and it cause enormous issues down the line.
you are fine OP
You’re not too controlling. But maybe something to consider in future relationships is to both pay into a joint account to cover things you agree you need/want to buy (or save up) as a couple; and keep some money each to spend at your discretion which you don’t have any say over. My husband buys some totally ridiculous things; but that’s fine with me because we always have enough for the vacations, repairs, and daily expenses that we agree upon.
Does he live with ADHD or an impulse disorder?