So for context, we had plans to go on a long hike and have a picnic together tomorrow which I know he was really looking forward to. However, this week has been quite full on for me so much so that I’m feeling extremely burnt out…
It was his birthday on the 21st April so as a birthday surprise I decided to finish a detailed sketch of a character from his main hobby ‘universe’ that I started for him a year or so ago. I thought it would be a nice gesture to gift it to him and so I utilised all my free time to get it finished in time for his birthday. This meant working on it on my lunch breaks at work and on my evenings after work. I finished it just in time for his birthday (I was up till 1am on his birthday to do the final touches and I placed it in a lovely wooden frame and wrapped it). I took the day off for his birthday so we went on an easy 10 mile walk (which I gladly went on as it’s a lovely scenic route) but I can’t deny by this point I was feeling physically fatigued.
I went back to work the next day and it was a day of overwhelming work load but I managed reasonably well but I started to feel mentally fatigued by the end of the day.
Saturday (today) rolls around and I was aware that his mum was coming to stay the night (My boyfriend and I live together). I spent my day off tidying and cleaning the house and washing bedding, ready for her arrival. My boyfriend was at work today and so she met him at his workplace to travel back to ours. At this stage I felt utterly and completely burnt out both physically and mentally and the thought of getting two trains to the hike area, hiking for 7 odd miles up hills and getting two trains back just fills me with dread.
So this is where I feel a bit upset and possibly a little heartbroken? He asked me if I was okay once he got home and I was honest saying that I felt exhausted and a bit deflated that I haven’t really been able to do anything for myself this week (but it wasn’t said with resentment). He asked me if I didn’t want to go on the hike tomorrow and again, I was honest saying that I’m not sure I’m up to it but maybe once I got on the hike I’d feel differently. He seemed outwardly disappointed so I asked him if he was okay. He replied that he felt he couldn’t enjoy the walk even if we did go because he’d know how I truly felt. I explained to him that it’s maybe a good idea that I have a rest for my well-being so that I’m not irritable or tired during the working week and it may prevent any negative effects on our relationship too. He still seemed quite put out. I then asked a stupid question; do you place more importance on your needs in this situation or my well-being? It came across like an ultimatum but I guess I wanted to know if he understood what I was saying/feeling. At first he said, ‘well there’s no right answer’ so I urged him to be honest and he said ‘yes I do place more importance on my needs in this situation’.
I feel like I’ve just been punched in my stomach but I suppose he was right, there was only one right answer. Have I been unfair or set him up to fail by asking the question? Or should I feel justified in seeking his support and understanding when I’m feeling so burnt out? I must add that he isn’t forcing me to go but I sense resentment.
TLDR: My boyfriend said he places more importance on his desire to go for a planned hike over me feeling exhausted from a busy week preparing a gift for his birthday and our home for his mums stay, when I expressed I didn’t feel up to it.
Edit: To clarify, we went on a planned 10 mile walk on his birthday. We also planned to go on a hike tomorrow but this wasn’t for his birthday and this is the hike I’m referring to in the post title.
9 comments
You made a pretty long list of things that you do for him. Does he do much in return? Why didn’t he clean your home, it was his mother who was visiting.
i don’t mean to invalidate you in any way, but my first and last advice is to rest up. this sounds like an escalation that was not helped by your exhaustion.
honestly, i think he’ll be fine. i would also feel disappointed or a bit frustrated in his shoes, but he should get over it soon and not hold it against you. there’s plenty more days for hikes, right?
i think your asking that question was a mistake, and i wouldn’t put much weight on his answer since you pressed him to give you one.
again, get some rest, and clear the air with him tomorrow. if issues persist, you know where to come.
I don’t understand, can he not go without you?
There’s 2 issues. First: you mismanaged your time and should have prioritized cleaning and resting up rather than going on a 10 mile hike and working on his gift at all hours. If I were your partner I’d feel a bit frustrated and let down that you knew I wanted to do this particular thing for my birthday and yet put my energy on other things and got burnt out. Secondly, I’m not sure why you would phrase your question that way- he wanted to go on the hike for his birthday, so it’s not a ‘need’, it’s more about expectations and being let down.
He’s allowed to be disappointed by a last-minute change in plans about something that he was looking forward to.
Also, I mean, yes, you were setting him up to fail. You have a thing about honesty but:
>He asked me if I didn’t want to go on the hike tomorrow and again, I was honest saying that I’m not sure I’m up to it but maybe once I got on the hike I’d feel differently.
I don’t think this was you being honest. I think this was you trying to say “I don’t want to go on a hike tomorrow” without saying “I don’t want to go on a hike tomorrow.” And so when he *correctly* interpreted what you were saying and told you:
>he felt he couldn’t enjoy the walk even if we did go because he’d know how I truly felt
You refused to take “yes” for an answer, because he’s acknowledging the self-evident truth: you don’t want to go on the hike, and if you go it’ll only be out of a sense of obligation to him.
And then you poked the bear. You didn’t like being called out on a self-evident truth, you couldn’t accept the fact that, yes, you were asking for a change in plans, and so you asked him an incredibly loaded, passive-aggressive question to escalate things. OF COURSE he’s supposed to say, “No, baby, your well-being is way more important to me,” but, I mean, you’ve been being passive-aggressive this whole time and you’re doing everything you can to deny taking responsibility for cancelling plans.
And, look – your desire to cancel plans is completely, 100% reasonable. Something like a hike is something where it should be really easy to take a rain check. “I know you’ve been looking forward to this, but I really don’t feel up to it so can we reschedule for next week?” That sort of thing happens and people will be momentarily disappointed (which you don’t take personally) and then get over it.
What you don’t do is pretend you’re not asking for what you’re asking for, and then escalate to try to make them feel guilty for being reasonably disappointed.
Hmm, I think that his response was honest from his perspective, and not necessarily bad. As long as you are able to rest and he isn’t punishing you for it, I don’t see it as a big issue. He is admitting that he’s thinking more about himself, and the fact that he can admit it is good, as long as he isn’t being mean or manipulative. We’re all a bit selfish sometimes in our wants, and communication is good.
You’ve done ALL these things for his birthday, all the sacrifices. Then you again went all out preparing for HIS mother’s visit at no help from him. You were tired.
Your mistake was not saying it clearly and directly. Your mistake, judging by this post, is that you do the bulk of the heavy lifting in this relationship and you were afraid to come out and tell him, No hike, I’m tired. Your mistake is not holding him to higher standards in the relationship. Stop being the caregiver and then being passive aggressive and playing word games with him in order to play victim.
You asked a dumb question, he answered honestly. You can’t really get mad at him for that.
That question was a little uncalled for and you should have just straight up told him that you don’t feel like going. But you took an indirect approach which may have irked him. Just talk to him, cancel tomorrow’s hike and reschedule it to a later date. You should be straightforward in these situations. Don’t feel like going? Just say that, people are more understanding when you’re straightforward.
Also, your health should be your top most priority, no exceptions.